First kiss and sex? Going anywhere?
Hi! I am a 25F and I've met this guy who looks like a dream and with whom I share many hobbies. I am so proud of how far I've come, as I've always been somehow pretty scared of any guy finding out I liked them, even scared of friends knowing, scared of meeting guys, in case they felt attracted to me or also scared of me attracted to them. As you can see, scared of everything related with guys, attraction and love.
Long-short story we've met through an app, he wanted something casual and I wanted something serious, so I wanted to leave it there. But then realised I needed sort of a reckless dude to kiss me, as I wanted to experience a kiss and at this point I didn't care anymore where this could go, I just wanted to get out of my comfort zone. It took us maybe five dates to kiss, but I liked him from the first date.
At first he seemed to only want booty call, and I always rejected it in a kind way, eventually he kinda understood I needed more structure and tried to find the time to meet, and every time we met I was so happy and calm, but the problem was that in between meetings we didn't see each others often, maybe once a month. And during this time I was crazy anxious (I still am), and specially before meeting: insomnia, no appetite or digestion problems, super high anxiety... And then we've done petting a couple of times, which I enjoyed but something felt off. Like I could not feel horny or aroused, with this hooooot most perfect looking and respectful guy?? I don't get it, most likely is connected with the other nervous system activated signs? like the insomnia and no appetite? Or what is wrong with me? I wanna have sex with him but I was waiting all along to feel relaxed, and thought I'd feel relaxed in the long term but it's not changing.
I also wanna add that about one month ago I told him this didn't seem to go anywhere (because he was only asking me to meet in the night at his and spontaneous) and he said that he could see that something was off as well but that he wanted to keep getting to know me and he thought we were both just too busy. Ever since I told him, we've met three times during the day, nice and chill plans, and once in the night. I opened up about my fears and he said we could work on it. But then the last time we met (where we went for a walk, then cuddled at his place, and even invited me to eat) I asked what he wanted, and he said he was not sure if he wanted more because of sex. Like he needs to know if we are compatible with that to know and that he's scared to hurt my feelings, if in the end we don't fit.
Now I have hundreds of questions:
For men:
-I think it is obvious that at first he was not that interested, but if he's been this respecful with me and he has changed his behaviour and we've met during the day he might be developing feelings? and it is more than rational what he is asking? (we have been meeting for months now)
I think I cannot calm down because I want or need to know he likes me. But he's not sure. Can he develop feelings after sex? Or is he here only cos he knows I've never had sex with anyone else? I feel too naive with this subjects
For women:
-I am posting this in hopes someone who has lived something similar can give me tips or something. Have you ever felt this way? with the fear and the body shutting down? How can I calm down my anxiety? He's extremely kind, always asking permission, sweet, a gentleman.