childhood trauma ? Tw
Hello, I'd like to talk here because I'm wondering if I might have some childhood trauma that I don't remember. I don't see a psychologist, and I have trouble opening up (especially about this), which is why Reddit is helping me.
Since I was very young, around 4 or 5 years old, I've been imagining rape scenarios in my head. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I saw the situation as if I were the one raping the man. When I was playing at recess, I insisted on playing doctor so I could touch other children "down there" and have them touch me too.
Honestly, I have no memory of actually touching them or being touched, but the idea of doing it excited me.
Around 6 or 7 years old, I stopped playing these kinds of "games." Before that, I was calmer, more composed, and rarely spoke. This apparently surprised my parents because before, I was the type to run around everywhere, chatty, etc.
I continued these scenarios in my head where I was always raping the man, but I was starting to realize that I preferred to be in his place.
At 10 or 11 years old, I was talking to men on online games. I sent my first nude photo to one of them. We did role-playing, etc. I know they were old, much too old, but I liked it.
The online games evolved into Omegle, where I did the same thing, showing myself directly.
I don't know if it's just a fantasy that "awakened" early or if I must have witnessed or experienced something to have all this in my head at such a young age.
I don't have particularly few memories of my childhood; I don't have many, but I suppose they fade with time.
I only discovered how babies are made late, when sex education classes started at age 10. But I already knew the basics without even having seen them in school? My family is pretty closed-minded; we don't talk about those things. And I'm 100% sure that if I've made any choices, it didn't come from my immediate family.
I don't know what to think about it. I don't want to make a fuss when it might just be a fantasy or something...
But how could I, at the ripe old age of four, even think about that?
(Sorry for the mistakes, I'm using Google Translate)