Struggling post-separation
We’ve been separated six months or so and mostly I feel like I’m healing but lately two things have happened making me struggle. The first thing they finally slipped to our youngest teen about the person they’re dating. She then told me. I already knew they were cheating when we split. Maybe not physically but definitely all the other ways. All the sneaky habits. I took that one in stride because I figured as much my ex couldn’t survive without validation.
I sacrificed all my dreams, everything I wanted, embarrassed, freaking minimum of respect and support and love, all my time all my effort, my fidelity everything. In today, one of my other teams, let slip they’re thinking about moving across the country for a lucrative job. I went along with them in a manic episode, moving across the country away from family any security network left behind. My kids tell me that even on the weeks they’re with him. He’s hardly ever there. He’s not emotionally present, even if he is physically present. He always goes out. He was supposed to give me money because he’s always been the earner- I sacrificed to support him to do this. But he’s too broke, but still going to the movies. Going out and doing fun things. And then using the money that he was supposed to give me to take care of the kids while they’re with me.
I don’t know if he’s just talking a big game like he’s always done, I don’t know if he’s setting the kids up so they’ll slip and hurt me by telling me things. I don’t know if he’s trying to take them across the country away from me and leave me really abandoned after all this. I don’t know if he’s thinking of just abandoning the kids and leaving them with me with no support.
The kids are old enough to decide if they go with him if he ends up going somewhere, they’re old enough to decide if they stay with me. I only have a handful of years before I can truly wash my hands of him.
I’m happy for his career success, but I’m so angry that I’m happy for him. I’m so hurt that he gets to succeed at my expense. I don’t know why I thought “when I get married, I am truly devoting my life to this marriage . To this person.” I’ve never seen myself as a romantic- but I really fucking deluded myself. I’m so angry
that this just keeps going even while we’re separated heading towards divorce -he’s still finding ways to torture me. He gets to go and have a new relationship and a great career and be Disney dad and not uphold any of his bargain. Why am I surprised? He couldn’t respect our marriage. Why would he respect our separation?
It’s not likely, but I’m hoping there’s someone in this group is on the other side of this can offer a little bit of hope that I won’t be forever, damaged emotionally and mentally.