u/DiscussionSad938

For this whole year and he last ive been under my cmht and all theres been thus far with them is assessment purgatory. From me there has been many written notes detailing my inner state of complete anger and hopelessness. Ive explicitly stated id like to try therapy, but they just constantly want me to explain 'why', as if that's my job. Like, i dont know, im completely isolated from human contact and it has visibly and significantly worsened me over the course of many years, and it's not going to end, especially when im not being given the help i think would work. The thing with therapy not being given is something to do with there not being enough stability in my life for therapy to have a good impact, but then that same refusal for help is what is ruining my life, having no one to talk to. So i get worse, think the next assessment will lead to anything, come away extremely defeated, cycle repeats. As if i can just fix the stability issue, fix my shit life first, 'then' therapy comes in. I dont know. This is the stupidest fucking bullshit ive ever put up with. I am never going to get better. There is no help. EDIT: I know this because of my appointment today, which was just another fruitless questionnaire, as if the main point of stringing me along is to prove i am suffering and cannot establish enough of a life for myself. Its just torture. My mental health worsens because no one will help me no one will help because theres no stability, and no help means my capacity and motivation will just plummet. Theres just nothing i can do now. Its over.

Every time after I've been outside anywhere, or doing anything that involves social contact, i just get this sinking feeling of emptiness when im back on my own. No matter how well anything goes, i get back to being on my own, in a quiet empty room, and it all just sets in. It's not too uncommon now that i'll just cry alone, there's no one to talk to. This level of isolation just feels passively fatal, especially when from outside it comes across as though you're just a loser. Im torn up inside with all these insecurities about my status, having no friends, barely any family, just no one who can help. Everytime seeing other people who are friends or together is just a reminder of what i dont have, which makes me just avoid anything, which is pathetic, but anything just seems to reinforce the loop at this point, and anyone ive sought help from has been no help in breaking the cycle. The loneliness and isolation is killing me. I dont know what to do

Pointless rant dump containing repetitive fruitless complaints and whining about the world everyone else has.

But holy shit is it bleak. Not out of chronically-online doom talk, but in genuine reality talk. Holy shit nothing is going to get better. There is no mental health support that isnt complete dogshit, there is no employment or financial stability opportunity, or any social opportunity to deal with the suffocating isolation and monotony of the everyday existence. I'm already socially stunted enough that i cant conversate properly or connect with other people, but it's too late now. Just like everything else in life, if you werent blessed with it 20 years ago, no point starting now. If you wanted money, should have been rich 10 years ago.

No systemic support 'actually' exists outside of whatever broken shit is still there just to tick boxes and fulfill appearances or whatever shit exists in society for now. Nothing and no one is of any fucking use. This country is fucking shit. Always has been, always will be. The future is downhill.

I've already been in a mental health hospital once when i was 15, what a waste of time. That's not somewhere you go to recover or be treated for your ailments. I received no therapy, just more fucking medication. Fucking medication. My god. Medication. Medication. But no help. Noooo. No just talking to a real fucking person, no help with the life problem, no help with fuck all. Great job. Nice one.

I had medication whilst there, fluoxetine, did nothing. Nothing until last year which was Sertraline, which also did nothing. So i tapered off. Till now been on venlafaxine for nearly 7 months, and yet again, tapering off cus it doesnt do shit. My dosage was 75mg, upped to 150, now im down to 35mg, taking only half a pill a day, the ones with the score lines so they can be cut. I'll stop in a week or two. And fwiw i actually felt emotion, only in the form of a hard mental breakdown, completely on my own, why fucking not, hard crying to the point of gagging kind of emotion.

Not to mention the heel-dragging with the services. It's fucking abysmal. I've emailed 3 times through the liasion that my mental health is deteriorating in the wait to my next appointment. This appointment which is only for med review. Not, yknow, the whole fucking back and forth for god knows what. I still have no idea 'what' im even waiting for anyway. Therapy? Generic CBT bullshit? Occupational therapy (because my lifestyle is really the problem, sure.)? No clue.

Last time i saw a GP i gave them a 4-or-so page note i just brainstormed, containing a blunt explanation of my horrid inner state, my desolate circumstances, and my future plan for solving the life problem. Still no escalation. Just nothing. How cool. So system/service-wise i have no idea whats going on. Im not accepting being pawned off on another fucking medication. I dont know what it is, but the entirety of the mental health topic just went to complete shit around 2019-2020, and ever since it's been just fucking daycare, psychiatric babytalk and scripted response like talking to a chatbot shit. Every single dialogue just goes down the same path, "just reach out", "helplines", "do something in real life". Like what? Go where? With who? Sure maybe the internet exaggerates it all, but nothing actually improves just because you ignore it. It's still a shithole, feeling better means nothing. Maybe if mental health was more about concrete, practical solutions and less about feelings and positivity i would just be fixed already. I just want to fix this shit and move on. I wont believe it's not a thing. Maybe things that actually work would help. But it's only going to get worse, as proven by reality.

Oh and not to mention the advice. "Exercise, eat well, sleep well" yea all the shit mental health shafts your ability to do, and also, what if you do? What now? I exercise intensely, i still feel like complete shit the same day. I sleep, i still feel like shit. I eat, i still feel like shit. Everything but just addressing the titanic elephant root problem in the center. Put this plaster on! Now another, and another. It's a broken, severed leg. Just fix it.

Only more recently have I been getting more physical symptoms from the neurological impact of my mental health, it's never been a thing for me in the past. Naturally I'm very prone to being in a high arousal state with no outlet so it bottles up and never goes anywhere, and this has been the issue for quite a few years now.
But my symptom is that I've been getting patches of consistent and intermittent itching. And at first i thought it was tied to my compulsive binge-like attachment to sweets and sugars, which cause me itching in my elbow crooks, the insides, but this eventually died down.
I spoke to my GP about medication and also brought this itching issue up, i cant remember what she said but something about stress i remember, and i have a cream for eczema now, Betnovate.
My main confusion with it all is that despite how my inner state naturally is, i dont feel stressed most of the time, usually i only feel anger, or hopelessness, which usually becomes a mix of the two, one feeding into the other, etc. But i dont feel a correlation between the feelings and the impacts; i dont itch more if i feel angrier, i dont itch less if i feel calmer, it just seems to flare up once, maybe twice a day, then is silent otherwise. I know not feeling stressed isnt the same as not being stressed, since your nervous system keeps a hold of it, but that feels more out of my control. I feel a lot calmer or neutral than my nervous system does i guess. Also my hands have been a little bit shakier but not disruptively so.
I dont have any chronic health conditions, only asthma i was born with but grew out of, which was never severe or disruptive, the thought of eczema concerns me since it cant be cured, this is all very new.
Is this common, or something that happens/has happened to anyone else?

My medications are Venlafaxine 150mg and the Betnovate, I've also been improving my diet to see if any improvements happen with my skin, as well as already looking noticeably less bloated, cutting out processed items and sugars.

I've been on venlafaxine for about 5-6 months now, started at 37.5, then 75, now at 150mg. I've considered quitting medication for about a month now for a few reasons, and have told doctors too. Mainly i dont want to be spending the rest of my life on them, which at this rate would probably happen anyway. I'm so fucking sick of medication. I'm only staying on them because obviously i have to, or i'll never get anywhere either on my own or with the team. I dont feel like the medication is even making a difference anymore, as i feel just as angry, desolate and hopeless as before i was on them. I get that they want the baseline mood to stabilise at a higher threshold or whatever before therapy but honestly my brain is wired to be such a shit show that that wont be happening in any reasonable time. I was already anti-medication before i started any last year, when i first reached out. I only feel more anti-med, this will not change. Maybe its that theyd rather the medication do the heavy lifting with my mental state even though i think about half of my condition could be partially soothed if long term isolation wasnt so suffocating. And even then, therapy probably wont do shit for me anyway, the damage is done now. This has definitely all gone on too long and has all set in permanently. I bet therapy cant do shit, it'll be like medication all over again.