I'll do my best to explain what's going on and give relevant information. I'll try to condense this as much as I can, but it is a lot tbh. TLDR at the end. I appreciate anyone who reads all of this and for any advice, feedback, or support.
I guess I'll star with this:
I have been feeling extremely guilty and disappointed in myself the past few years. It's been getting worse too. I feel like I'm letting my pupper down and maybe not giving her enough (i.e., attention, play time, walks, training like we used to).
I do give her a lot of affection and cuddles. Lots of love too. When I let her out in the backyard to do her business, I let her have as much time as she wants out there to just do things she likes while outside (sun bathe, sniff around, chase lizards, run around, etc..)
Some info:
Me: in my late 20's.
My doggo: Around 5yo and a herding dog mix. The vet is unsure what she's mixed with. Size wise, she's a little bigger than a small dog (she's 28lbs) but definitely not medium sized.
Her background:
I found her in a dog park in 2020. She was in rough shape (very skinny, was shaved down, had missing patches of fur).
A few of us at the park came to realize she was without an owner. She had a collar with no tag or any information tht would lead us to her owner. Apparently she followed another owner and their dog into the park. I feel she was either a stray, escaped from her home, or was abandoned at the park that surrounds the dog park.
I decided to drop my doggo back at home and come back to get her to try and find her owner.
She wasn't microchipped, and she had no identification on her that would help me find her owner. I posted on different platforms to see if anyone recognized her. I kept her for abt a month just to see if anyone would reply to my posts. After that, I called no kill shelters to see if they had space, they were all full.
At this point, I did become attached to her and ended up keeping her.
The past few years:
The first year I got her, I was more on top of playing with her, taking her on walks, giving her attention, etc.
Over the years, I've moved a few times, been in college, worked part time, and had some ongoing big stressors. I was pretty depressed and stressed out most of the time during those years.
That being said, I know I progressively fell off with the things we used to do. Same with my other dog, but she was old, always been low maintenance, and honestly preferred to just chill and go for short walks.
Fast-forward to now/the past year:
There's been a few major events I feel have contributed to this situation.
I chose to move back in with my parents (who have a turbulent relationship) for support with my mental health and to save money. I'm extremely grateful for them, but I feel uncomfortable, stressed, and anxious being here.
My partner and I, of 8 years, broke up.
I had to stop therapy to save money.
I work full time (8 hour night or closing shifts...like getting off work at 11pm, 1am, or 2am). I haven't worked full time in years due to college.
I had to put down my older dog earlier this year. She's been my baby since middle school, and I've had her since she was a puppy.
Looking for support or advice:
What can I do to start getting back to how I used to engage with her?
I just genuinely have had no energy or motivation lately... I'm usually working or sleeping. I feel I don't have much "me" time or free time. It's been difficult to be consistent with routines or hobbies.
I really want to spend more quality time with her. I feel I'm failing her.
I want to go on walks again. I want to get back into training (she's very smart and a quick learner) and work up to more agility type stuff. I want to play with her more...
It just feels like there's a barrier here. Something that's been blocking me from actually taking action and doing these things, consistently. I want to, so bad. Idk why I just can't take action and be consistent with this. I love her, yet I haven't been making changes. I feel fucking terrible, and I don't know why I can't just do this.
Additional info:
I have been on medication for my mental health for a long time. Recently got prescribed an antidepressant in addition to my regular meds. It's been a month since starting the antidepressant, and I do feel the depression starting to lift.
Even tho I know I need to do better, I do feel she's still living a good life, esp from what she came from. She's healthy, regular vet visits, plenty of love, affection, and company from me and my parents. I give her stimulating toys/items (puzzles, kongs, bones).
She is an anxious girl, which makes her reactive towards unfamiliar people and dogs.
This does make it harder to go on walks at times, bc she'll aggressively bark at other dogs she sees on walks. I do my best to redirect her and calm her down so we can continue/enjoy our walk.
She's only reactive towards people she's unfamiliar with who come in the house. I did find an effective strategy to help her realize they're not a threat. She stops being reactive after that.
So...
What do I do? What's wrong with me? I feel like shit over this. Why can't I step up for her...? Any support, advice, or guidance would be very, very much appreciated. Thank you to those who did manage to read this whole post.
Just wanted to add: I do not want/feel she needs to be rehomed. I truly do not want to do that.
TLDR:
I want to do better for my dog. Life has been quite rough for me these past few years, and I know I have been progressively doing less and less of the things I used to do with my pup. I feel terrible for this, and I just want to get back to how I used to be with her... Any advice or support would be appreciated.
**Edited to fix layout/formatting