Trigger Warning(s): Suicidal Ideation, Emotional Neglect, Verbal (only slight mention of Physical) Child Abuse, Possible CSA, Parentification

I (18 AFaB) feel like my life is permanently ruined. I have a list of psychological disorders that, when combined with my home environment, leave me in a constant state of feeling like I have no agency. I feel as though I'm destined to be an utter failure and that my dreams of creating novel art and finding community and helping other lives will only ever be just that: dreams.

I can't remember what he did before I was ~8, and even then my memories are sparse, but I do know that my Ndad (tangent: I hate calling him dad, or even father. I've used a term I invented "authorit."/"authoritarian" for a few years in journals.) was verbally abusive and neglectful. I don't remember much of what I experienced, only piecing together parts of my experience being neglected (for example, remembering the shame I felt in 1st grade with heavily knotted hair since I didn't know how to brush it, but not connecting that with neglect until I was older), but I do remember parts of what my two younger siblings experienced.

As the oldest child, I was parentified into caring for my siblings. I don't remember much of taking care of my 2nd youngest sibling (though I've heard from relatives that I did), but I do remember taking care of my youngest sibling when he was born when I was 8. I was taught how to change his diapers, and most notably there were times when he had accidents (i.e. one or two blowouts that ended up leaving a trail along two rooms) and I was the one that had to clean it up. I probably made food for them too, though nothing more involved than microwaving. I similarly had to clean up 2-4 accidents our dog left inside in the middle of the night (when I was 8-10).

I remember our father yelling at my infant brother and my 2nd youngest sibling (<6). My 2nd youngest sibling (ungendered for anonymity) was often called a "rat", their hair a "rat's nest", and their room a "pigsty" for not taking care of themself (it's almost like parents are supposed to teach and support them??). Their creative hobbies were never supported (when our father was angry it was "trash") and the places they stored their creations were regarded as messy. I remember sneaking my siblings' stuff into my room when our father would yell at them to throw their art away and they would go to do so sobbing when I would convince them to give the art to me for safe keeping.

I've often related to our family dog. We got her when I was 8 and she was similarly abused except also occasionally physically (the only physical abuse I remember is being spanked once when I was like 6). She would and still tries to run to our neighbors whenever possible. She was called disgusting and her physical issues are ignored until they can't be any longer (my parents have never expressed financial difficulties, infact they've mentioned how stable their savings are, they just wait until things are impossible to ignore).

Trigger Warning for this next paragraph (potential CSA)

I've had weird snippets of non-age-appropriate sexual ideas at ages 6-8, though nothing obvious. At around 12, something happened internally (no idea what, I don't remember) and I began to hold extreme internal fear that my father (also my uncle for some reason) thought of me sexually or wanted to engage with my sexually. I still do to this day, though I've done a miraculous job of hiding it when I have to interact with him every day (though he has commented on my "avoidance" of him and my seeming hatred towards him. He's right but I didn't tell him that obviously.) No matter how much I've told myself how irrational or paranoid (what my father often called my severe social anxiety) I was being, it didn't go away. I still have trouble engaging with sexuality personally, I'm haunted by some sort of feeling of victimization even when it's just me. He's said before that "nothing bad happened" when I've had to talk about my mental health with my parents and I didn't believe him to be lying then.

He's "changed" the past few years ever since I've gone into treatment for my mental health, acting nicer on the outside (it sickens me to my core every time he uses that "softer" tone). But then there's always those times where he goes into a rage (1-3 times a week) and it's just... clear he hasn't changed. He only apologizes afterwards half the time, and even then it's like it's just to save face, he's not actually sorry.

I hate him. I'm not a person inclined to hate, I've often been called too sensitive for empathizing with others, but I hate him. I used to hate my mother, too (Emom with this sub's terminology), but she's a victim of him as well (I've thought before that she has the mentality of a child masking as an adult). She was raised to always submit to male authority and my father was just the next one after her dad. Doesn't make her innocent, her constant denial is hell (though I've never told her to her face that her husband is abusive, or that I think they should divorce <- I've thought that since I was ~12 lol), but at least she seems to actually care about us as her children. Our father just sees us as objects that ought to benefit him.

I've never really said this all to anyone (afaik), but I'm saying it know because I feel like my incapacity to function like a normal person has finally caught up to me. I'm not a child anymore. For the first time, I failed a class, a college class. My father had been emphasizing (and both my mother and father bombarding me to do schoolwork) the importance of my college classes. I've felt so much shame that they even have to remind me to just do my fucking work, but 80% of the time their reminders don't even help, I just can't do the work, and can hardly even care for myself. Idk, it just feels like they should've done something for the past 5 years I've been struggling through school, something more than forcing me through it despite by gradual but clear decline in mental health. It's never been enough to truly hold me back (I'm "extremely intelligent" and test really well, but would someone so intelligent get to this point?), but this time it will and they've been too ignorant to prepare for the possibility that I won't miraculously get better with no change despite the 5+ year trend of me getting worse and worse.

I've contemplated suicide as I have in the past, but this time I just want to feel freedom even before that. When my will to live reached its lowest in the past, the last thing I held onto was the joy and beauty within human expression and human emotion. I personally am agnostic and don't know what to expect after death, but I'm preparing for the worst (my worst being the absence of consciousness). Anyway, this time I was thinking I'd run away but with the intention of giving up; dying out in the wilderness and bringing very little. I have no history of a job and my turbulent psychological states and feeling of general helplessness make it feel like there's nothing for me, no alternative way for me to survive that's not the system I fail in. I dont intend to do this super soon, my parents aren't aware of the class I failed yet and maybe I can even find a better option for the freedom I want, but soon.

(The rest is just tangents lol)

I'll probably show this to my therapist, though she's never been much help. For context on my identity, I put AFaB (assigned female at birth) because I've always tended toward masculinity, but idk it's complicated. Probably because some of my psychological issues include dissociated states of identity lol, but I know that a lot of people don't believe that stuff is real. Believe what you want from what I say, I just want to leave something of myself, including what I believe. Also definitely have C-PTSD, though the biggest thing I've ever been diagnosed with was ADHD (after 4 years of talking about my symptoms) thanks to my parents finding the cheapest therapy they could find. I'm also loaded on meds that don't do shit. Very fun. It's hilarious how every check-up the psychiatrist will be like "How's the medicine" and I'll be like "well..." and my parents will be like "she seems to be doing better" every. fucking. time. if I was doing better every time how come I'm not better??? Idk, I'm tired of suppressing myself and my history, mostly cause I don't think there's much left for me and I want to be remembered, so here's some of the things I love: Human expression & art (music ♥️), philosophy, Deltarune, Hollow Knight, Subnautica, and Kaeya from Genshin Impact lmao. I desperately wanted to write a story surrounding Kaeya and him finding connection in another despite believing no one could ever understand him & his pain (Can you see why I liked it lol). I was so attached to it. But I never even got to make the second chapter. Idk, maybe I'll get to. I sure hope so.

Well, if you read all this, I'm so sorry you did lmao. I hope you get to experience a moment of true peace soon ♥️ (wishing a good day is for normal people who get good days haha)