Husband said he’s leaving me
TW: unsuccessful TTC, older LC
I TFMR’ed last year and delivered my son on June 1st after the 26 week point. So I am currently in the thick of milestone anniversaries of finding out diagnoses and appointments.
My husband and I have been together for 13 and coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary in August. He told me last night he doesn’t want to keep trying and wants to call it. I don’t know how to not resent my son for this because losing him has totally changed my husband. I want to keep trying and working through things because I know how good we are together but obviously two people have to be willing. He only JUST started seeing a therapist 2 months ago but apparently it’s feeling too hard to trek through (among other feelings). I know that he still will have to do all of the work regardless of whether he leaves me, which we’ve discussed, because it’s never going to get better for him if he doesn’t, and our LC deserves it. But all he sees when he sees me is our dead son and a VERY traumatic delivery. And he has let those feelings build for almost a year.
Last fall we had even started trying again for a couple of months at HIS request. In January he had asked for a pause on TTC because he didn’t feel ready and wanted us to be in a better spot. He apparently was repressing a lot and didn’t fully realize it and things continued to deteriorated from there (with a lot of things I won’t get into). But I’m so devastated that there are other alternatives and things that could be tried first, and I told him he shouldn’t make any final decisions while in the thick of things, but instead this is where we are at. I have been in my own therapy since we lost our son, but I just don’t know how to keep moving forward with my life when it’s just one nightmare after another after another.
He’s literally been my best friend and he has said I am his. I know he still loves me too, but he said he doesn’t feel in love with me anymore and those feelings and our dead son is all he sees. I love my husband so much and I know we could get to a much better place if we gave it actual time, but he controls his own decisions and choices. I’m just at such a loss and yet I still have to keep going because we have a 7 year old who also still experiences the grief of our loss and desperately would want another sibling.