r/tfmr_support

Hi guys, this week has been so rough. I haven't had a week like this since the week OF the D&E, which says a lot. I don't see my therapist until Saturday, so bear with me.

Monday, I started seeing my clinic again.

Tuesday, I get TWO texts from my friends that they're pregnant with their second baby.

Wednesday, I see my friend, who was two weeks ahead of me is at the hospital. Giving birth to her healthy baby.

Basically, I've been crying all week and feel like absolute garbage about how negative I feel about everyone's situation. I have had the ugliest thoughts about my closest friends.

It's just so unfair. Why did this have to happen to us? Why were we the chosen ones to experience such an unfair and tragic loss? Why were they able to have a healthy baby?

I know life is unfair but damn this hurts so bad.

…and it was ok.

I wanted to share this, as I know reading posts like this helped me when I was in the trenches of the first few months.

My TFMR was in December, for T21. I’ve never questioned my decision, it was the only thing I could do to prevent my daughter having a life of pain. But it was tough. So tough. I cried every day for 93 days. I genuinely believed I’d never be happy again.

We took a trip away to our favourite place, scattered a few of her ashes there, and had a lovely week away enjoying being us, doing things we love

Yes, I’ll always have a deep sadness for the live I never got to live with my daughter in it, but I know I that the only decision I got to make as her mother was for her and only her ❤️

It’s been 3 months post D&E procedure done at week 22. It’s been up and down but slowly getting back to my “normal” self.

Lately, I’ve been having a harder time connecting with certain friends (not their fault as we never told many ppl about this difficult journey, only the super close friends know and have been gently providing support) but I’m finding it harder or less patience being around couples who have kids and all their conversations are about their kids lives - their schedules, extracurricular activities, education, etc. Ive spent a lot time listening through all their kids stuff and learn through them.

Sometimes it feels like I’m always a whole lifetime behind …we were just never in the same season of life…while it wasn’t a big deal when we were younger in our 20/30s, I’m finding our life gap more obvious now… my highschool friends have kids that will soon enter highschool …while I’m still here trying to start a family. I was never one to “compare” our lives per se but with my latest experience, I feel I can’t relate to those friends anymore. On top of that, there has been a few other friends who just gave birth and have invited us to their baby showers. It feels abit much and I don’t really feel emotionally connected to their life journey….While I’m truly happy for all my friends, sometimes I feel bad and have declined attending their kid/baby showers events as I feel I needed to protect my emotional well being and health.

Has any one felt this way? Is it just bad timing that I had a tfmr and this season of my life is just more sensitive? I’m usually not like this but perhaps as I’m getting older I find my tolerance to be lower and saying no to their hangouts/ events has actually made me feel better. Is it bad that I think sometimes society has placed too much on showcasing our lives, posting everything their kids do, etc?

Anyways just wanted to get this off my chest. It’s been a rough year and as I continue to heal I hope I can feel better about myself and how I connect with friends. This is tough and hard to communicate it when it seems like no one understands this infertility + ivf + now tfmr journey.

It’s been almost 4 weeks since my TFMR and I’ve been really struggling with my body. Before getting pregnant I was toning after previous weight loss of 40 lbs. I know there’s so much to be sad about but it stings to have a bigger stomach, thighs & more fat on me in general & no baby. I’ve expressed these feelings to my husband & he says to give it time & not weigh myself as much. I’ve thrown myself in the gym 5x a week for the past 3 weeks & I expected to see the scale drop a bit more by now. I was surprised to have stayed pretty much the exact same weight as pregnancy, even 1b heavier sometimes. Part of me knows I’m not giving myself grace but I was 18 weeks so I was starting to buy maternity clothes & no longer fit my regular clothes and now I’m in that weird stage where my regular clothes fit but they aren’t quite flattering because they hug onto my stomach & rolls on my back. It feels so trivial to be sad about this when I lost my pregnancy but it’s hard to even try to get back to normalcy without feeling comfortable in my own skin.

I am one week post TFRM and all I can think about is when I can try again. I obsess over when my period will return, when I will ovulate again, when I could possibly get a positive test, how long it will take, milestones, etc. Then I immediately get overwhelmingly anxious about how horrible the wait will be from the positive test to the NIPT and how I won’t have a moment of peace even beyond that and it all makes me so sad/angry.

I want to start tracking my ovulation with OPKs just to see if I am ovulating again but I don’t know if my body will still be producing low levels of HCG that will throw it off. I have continued taking my prenatal and folic acid supplements but wondering if I should add CoQ10 for me and my husband. I obsess over how much we both drink (me not at all, him moderate), if his showers are too hot, what we’re eating, if we’re being active enough. I obsess over him going out of town two months from now when I think maybe I could possibly be ovulating. I look up due dates based on possible conception windows, try to figure out when I could get the NIPT done, etc. Try to picture myself pregnant at different milestones from my lost pregnancy (her due date, Thanksgiving and Christmas). It’s exhausting and absolutely consumes me. I don’t know what to do or how to stop. I just feel like I won’t heal and my husband and five year old who is processing the loss of her little sister will not heal until we have a healthy baby. And I also feel like no one understands the extent of this grief and obsession. It’s all I think about.

I’m 10 weeks out. I’m having a bad day. I’m just replaying the whole thing in my head. I feel awful but I’m tired of it being my every waking thought. I’m tired of wondering what if. I’m tired of wondering when I’ll get pregnant again (17 months in). I’m tired of thinking of everything I’ll have to go through to get my baby. I’m tired of having to pretend I’m happy. I’m tired of the world around me being normal when I’m having the worst time of my life. I’m tired of answering ‘yeah I’m great, things are good’ when someone asks how I am who doesn’t know what’s happened. I’m tired of feeling like an embarrassment because this is my 4th loss in 17 months. I’m tired of trying to distract myself. I’m tired of losing time because I’m just consumed with hell. I’m tired of looking at forums wondering when I’ll get my happy ending. I’m tired of living my life two weeks at a time while ttc. I’m tired of nice weather when I should have had my big bump showing. I’m tired of counting the weeks down to my due date. I’m tired of looking at an empty nursery. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable because I’ve gained a stone in weight for nothing. I’m just so tired.

Unfortunately, i had the procedure done on 4/24 at 7 weeks. As of 5/18 my levels came in at 25. The doctor wants to retest tomorrow, 5/21 to make sure they are dropping continually. Im just curious as to how fast the levels should fall in between then and tomorrow. Is there a certain percentage? Should I push the test off for a few days? I know HCG rises every 48-72 hours so im not sure if they would drop the same. All of this has been so traumatic and I just want it to be over.

Today after 6 weeks of TFMR I am returning back to work.

Feelings are mixed. I am somewhat excited going back go work, since I need a change of scenery and also it‘s going to be very hard, because everyone knew, that I was expecting. I am very lucky to have such great managers and colleagues, who are supporting me throughout the grieving process.

How was it for you going back to work? I am really afraid like being there physically…. To be reminded that I was pregnant and I would leave soon for maternity leave etc…

Good evening- I guess I’ll start by saying I never thought I’d be joining this subreddit, as I’m sure all of you once felt before. I’m a 29 y.o female, mom of 1 (healthy pregnancy) who suffered a MMC July 2024 at 10 weeks resulting in dnc. This time around, I’m now 20w1d pregnant with what was supposed to be our rainbow baby- and received unexpected and heartbreaking news my anatomy scan that he more than likely has skeletal dysplasia. I’m at a total loss- I’m angry, confused, crippling and just an overall wreck. They did vistara testing on me today and want to do an amnio on Thursday but I’m so hesitant and scared about it. Is it just delaying the inevitable? Is it worth it knowing exactly what it is- knowing it most likely won’t change the outcome? I know not all scans are 100%, but from the report in my chart- it’s not looking promising at all. Obviously not looking for “medical advice” but I need support and I don’t know where else to go. If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I’m so sorry for all who have had to experience this. I’m in shambles as I feel each movement from my very much alive child inside of me. 💔

Findings today:
Short and Bowed long bones (Rhizomelia and Mesomelia)
Very curved Femurs
Hands and feet appear to be normal
FL/AC ratio is 0.11 (<0.16 suggests lethality))
FL/ Foot ratio:0.70 (<1 suggests skeletal dysplasia)
ThC: AC ratio: 0.55 (< than 1 suggests lethal)
Bell shaped chest
Thoracic circumference less than 5th percentile
Abnormal cranium (cloverleaf)
Cardiac thoracic ratio 0.63
Abnormal cardiac axis (77.98 )
Abnormal curvature of the spine

Hi all, just looking for some advice/relatable stories regarding my cycles post TFMR at 21 weeks back in January. My period returned after 6 weeks and all seemed fine. First cycle lasted 47 days with ovulation on day 33-34 confirmed with OPKs, which ended in a CP unfortunately. Now I'm in my second cycle, CD27 and no ovulation in sight. I'm getting so frustrated since my cycles are taking almost twice as long as pre pregnancy (28-30 days) and TTC is about all that's on my mind. Also my son's due date is June 7th and I really hoped to be pregnant by now. It feels like I'm getting kicked while already down and it's driving me crazy. I'm 33 y/o and no LC.

Do you guys have any insight to make this waiting game a bit more bearable? I know it can take up to six months for cycles to regulate post loss and my CP doesn't help either. Not sure if it'll be helpful to contact my OB as they probably will tell me it's all normal up till 6 months. It just suuuuuucks

It’s coming up on 6 months since my TFMR of my first pregnancy for my son with acrania at 13w1d on January 2nd, 2026 after finding out 2 days before Christmas. When I drove to an out of state clinic, had a protestor tell me my baby with a fatal diagnosis deserved to live, and a new staff member (allegedly) not realize we wanted our son cremated and disposed of him.

The first 3-4 months were full of crying. At work, in the car, in parking lots, in the shower, in bed alone, walking past kids at the playground.

I had originally told my husband we would wait the 3 months for the folic acid to build up in my system and *reevaluate* where we were. Since that 3 month mark, he’s been non stop about “trying again”. I put trying again in quotes because part of writing that makes me feel like a massive failure—that I have to try again to have a baby because my body failed my first one.

I’ve gone back and forth so many times about if I was ready or not. Truthfully, I wasn’t ready the first time and those short 13 weeks pregnancy (I knew since 4w1d so I guess 9 weeks) were a gut punch. I was throwing up all the time and couldn’t keep food or water down some days.

One of my good friends, who is 36 and has been with her husband for 10 years, told me yesterday that she has cervical cancer. They did a surgery and it was unsuccessful and they plan to do a second surgery. If that doesn’t work, then chemo, and if that doesn’t work, a hysterectomy. My heart broke into a million pieces for her when she told me that she had been trying to conceive for over 6 months before going to see her OBGYN. If anyone in this world deserved a baby and would be a loving couple, it’s her and her husband. They have worked so hard the last 10 years that the window for having biological children is narrowing.

It made me think to myself “gosh I want to have as much time with my own children as possible” or “what if I am diagnosed with something later on that makes having children physically impossible and then it’ll be too late.”

BUT THEN (cue the internal struggle)

If I were to “try again” (again I don’t like this phrase), I just know how hard it would be for her to see another woman get pregnant when she cannot. Her own sister had her tubes tied and then got pregnant and gave birth to twins shortly after her cancer diagnosis— her sister nor her parents know.

It’s such a guilt inducing internal struggle I’m facing. Get pregnant again and make my husband happy even though I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready after this trauma, or wait, which would make me feel better and somehow make myself more “relatable” to my friend during her awful diagnosis.

The rational thing to me is to wait until *I* am ready, but my husband has thrown the “wait 3 months” in my face many times and told me that if I had changed my mind about having children that it would be a dealbreaker for our otherwise happy marriage.

I hate that I don’t just feel joy and happiness for them. I do, but I also feel empty and full of sadness and envy at the same time. I was supposed to be a mother already.💔 I feel awful for making it about me, it’s not about me, but I just can’t help to feel so much… envy. And now I also feel guilty on top of everything. I don’t even feel like I have it in me to go visit them at the hospital because I feel I’ll lose my shit and just cry 😢 just wanted to vent here with the only people who will ever understand this type of pain. I’m sorry we’re all here.

Hi everyone,

I recently underwent a medical TFMR at <17 weeks after our baby was diagnosed with T21 with rapidly developed severe hydrops and was unlikely to have survived much longer in pregnancy.

42.5 yo previously had a MMC and chemical pregnancy. All pregnancies were conceived naturally, including the last one we had to TFMR.

We cannot go through this hardship again, stopped naturally ttc to minimise the risk of another chromosomal loss and moved forward with IVF + ICSI + PGT-A.

Our last pregnancy was conceived through ovulation induction, so I am somewhat familiar with IVF stims protocols already.

Following TFMR, my consultant advised:

Period #1 after TFMR → begin Genotropin (HGH) + prenatal supplements

Period #2 after TFMR → start IVF/ICSI stimulation medications for egg collection and embryo creation

I will proceed with frozen embryo transfer only once hormones and my body had recovered appropriately after TFMR/stimulation and we have a euploid.

I’ve already started Genotropin and supplements and would really appreciate hearing from others who moved to IVF after TFMR, especially recurrent loss in your 40s.

• How long after TFMR did you begin IVF treatment?
• Did your doctor recommend waiting a certain amount of time before stims/transfer?
• How many retrievals did it take to get euploid embryos?
• How long did it take for your cycle and hormones to normalise after medical TFMR?
• Did IVF after TFMR eventually lead to your rainbow baby?

I know realistically that time is not on my side anymore. After staggered losses, your backbone grows stronger because it has to. I had to look beyond this devastating chapter and keep moving toward some hope, otherwise it would have been very easy to give up and accept that I may never become a earthside mother.

Thank you to anyone willing to share their experience, and I am so sorry for what we all have gone through 🤍

I am 8 weeks post-TFMR for T13.

I had actually been feeling "better" in the last week or so - so much so that I felt guilty for feeling better and was also worried I was blocking out the horrible thing that had happened. I couldn't pinpoint why I felt more like myself, but it was nice for a little while.

Then the bill for the procedure came.

Then two neighbors nonchalantly announced their pregnancies that are a few weeks after my due date.

Then the grief has been hitting my husband extremely hard.

Now my "good" feeling has gone away. I think what has been really difficult is dealing with grief and not being able to tell people about it. I have told close family pretty much everything, but not sure what to do about acquaintances. I had thought about when and how to tell neighbors, but at this point, I don't think we ever will. While I am jealous of the pregnant neighbors (I hate that this experience has made me a jealous person), I would feel horrible to point out that I was "supposed" to have a baby around their time, too, making it seem like I want them to feel bad.

Guess we will just be the weird, sad neighbors.

Did anyone else have a change in PMS symptoms post-TFMR? I thought I was going through waves of grief (which, also yes) but I realized today that I think my depressive symptoms are heightening around my period. I never had noticeable emotional changes around my period before. I'm about three months out so I wonder if my hormones are just still levelling out? Just curious if others experienced anything similar and what your experience was like.

We have decided that we would like a private cremation for our baby. In order to do this we need to contact local funeral homes but we have no idea what we need to tell them. I’m so scared of judgement due to this being TFMR rather than stillbirth or baby loss. Organising a funeral is also something neither of us have done and just feels so overwhelming. We are thinking we would like a very basic/simple service just for us. The whole thing feels very surreal. Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated.

I had just about come to terms with the diagnosis and horrible reality of tfmr. I thought, 'at least I have a choice, some control, over how it ends'. But no, i can't even have that. D&e at any local hospital is weeks long waiting lists (one hospital just rejected my referral outright) and I can't bear the thought of waiting and becoming increasingly more pregnant. So L&d it is and I will have to live with my first experience of birth being the most traumatic moment of my life. Thanks NHS.

Ps. I don't blame the lovely midwife who has been calling around tirelessly trying to find somewhere that can do it sooner because she is trying to give me the outcome I wanted 💜

I’m almost 40 - went to today’s initial ultrasound and there are 3 gestational sacs. I’m only 5 weeks so it’s too early to assess viability, but I can’t fathom doing 3 babies. Two are larger, and one is smaller and the yolk sac couldn’t be visualized.

Curious to hear any perspectives or recent experiences with 3-2 reduction. I hope that’s not a decision I have to make but I’m trying to wrap my brain around what that would be like, and how it even works. Do you get to select which one or is it random?

Thanks for any input and please be kind - I’m in shock and feeling a bit fragile.

*trigger warning pregnancy after tfmr* *big emotions*
Hi everyone. Hope you all are doing well. I wanted to ask for advice or support as I am slightly frustrated and not sure if I’m being over dramatic or what I should do..

I had a tfmr in august last year at the same time my sister in law was pregnant. She had her baby and mine is in an urn. I think that’s where my saltiness comes from. My man told her before she conceived that we have been trying and it was taking longer.
Then she announced she was pregnant. I got pregnant shortly after and had to tfmr.
Then she invited us to her baby shower. Now I don’t understand why people invite mothers who lost a baby that month to a baby shower, but I reached out and told her we are not coming because I am still an emotional wreck. The only thing she said was “ok hope you feel better.”

On top of that during my loss, I felt very unsupported and like they did not care.
But when she had her baby, every single person in his family was asking about her, making sure she was okay and honestly that hurt me, because it just solidified my thoughts that they don’t care. I asked my man to not tell me anything about her or her pregnancy or her baby. I didn’t want to see them or hear about it. I want to see my baby, not hers.
We are not close at all and I’ve never felt she actually liked me, just tolerated me. I have not spoken with her or really anyone in his family except those two times.

Also I fell pregnant around the time her baby was born. And I’m now 25 weeks pregnant after my loss(which I know you all know comes with a lot of emotions), with a baby boy that just passed his anatomy scan and things are starting to feel more real and I’m getting less anxious now that I’m getting further along.* knock on wood* hoping to actually take this baby home. 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽

Now she is wanting to visit for my living child’s birthday party on short notice with her baby.
And I honestly don’t want her to come. I don’t want them to ask to use my baby’s things I’ve gotten so far, I don’t want to see them at all. I don’t know what to feel other than betrayed and I just don’t want to see her baby before I see my own baby.

Idk if that sounds selfish or ridiculous but that’s how I feel.
Can anyone relate or give advice?

Hi, I know this is not a usual post for this group and sorry if not allowed. I lost my baby in April and have been struggling since. Now that I'm a month out I am slowly getting better emotionally but still feel sad and will cry randomly if triggered by something. I haven't been drinking either (not in the mood and don't really want to as I recover for the next 3 months before trying again). All that said I do have a bachelorette trip coming up in June that I am now dreading. I only know the bride and none of the other 10 girls and don't feel up to traveling and spending a weekend partying and pretending to be happy I guess? Has anyone had trips like this planned so close to TFMR and did they go? I want to cancel but don't know how to do it only a month out since it seems rude now. Was looking for any advice on what to do