r/tfmr_support

Hi, I just want to share this to talk about the abortion/delivery itself and to share some thoughts around it.

We had the abortion/delivery yesterday in week 16/17 here in Norway, and it went as well as it possibly could..

We were assigned a midwife who was dedicated solely to us, so the follow-up was absolutely fantastic♡ Much better than what I’ve experienced when giving birth before. They were so kind, compassionate, and they gave me a hug at the shift change.

I was given two tablets first along with plenty of pain relief, and then one every three hours due to a previous C-section. I felt the pain intensify significantly, and was then given morphine, which was completely magical♡

We watched a bit of TV, laughed, and cried together throughout the day. I stood up to go to the bathroom and suddenly felt it coming. I completely panicked, rang the buzzer, and they came running to help me deliver the fetus around 6 PM. They did an ultrasound afterward because I asked for it, to check for any remaining tissue.

Afterward, we got to hold the tiny, unique, beautiful boy, who fit right into the palm of a hand♡ I wasn't entirely prepared for his skin being so thin and that he looked a bit like an alien, but the more I looked at him, the more beautiful he was</3

Took lots of pictures, said we were sorry, and told him we loved him.

Today is tough, my belly is smaller (I had a huge belly, looked like I was 6 months along), my hormones are raging, and I just want to lie in bed and cry myself to sleep.

I feel guilty for leaving him behind at the hospital all alone.

I think I can see a future where I have gotten through this, but I don't really know how to get there and how much I will have to cry along the way. Do you have any tips for how to manage the guilt and devestation?

NIPT, CVS, and some soft markers, but we never did an amnio, so I’m still living with that tiny percentage of doubt that we could have been wrong (0.5%–0%). We didn't dare to have an autopsy done, in case we had to live with something so horrific.

We are 38 years old, and we got pregnant with an embryo from 2023(34). We already had to abortions this year, in week 7 and 12. I don't know why life hates us rhis much, but I'm desperate to be pregnant again, and I'm not willing to give up. Is there anyone here whom gotten pregnant again, and how is the angxiety in this pregnancy? After my last MA I thought that if I just get to week 12, but now that is not even a milestone, just somerhing new to worry about..

I'm waiting on my tfmr due to t21. My family are incredibly supportive.

One of my closest friends when I told her what's happening because I have to cancel a few planned events, bombarded me with everything about how the baby could have a normal life could be fine could could all be okay, my son could love the new baby and not be impacted at all etc etc etc.

I just stopped talking, I feel like this is a friendship I'm going to lose as well as a pregnancy I wanted.

I am 4 months post termination. Lost my first baby back in June. Today my sister told me she is pregnant. I had no idea that she was even trying or wanting to have a baby yet. I am two years older than her and the eldest of our siblings. I was the first in our family to be pregnant. This has completely blind sided me. She felt awful and has been anxious to tell me. I am obviously happy for her and her husband and I hope more than anything that they have a good healthy pregnancy without any complications. But it has really thrown me. I came home and sobbed. I am jealous, i am angry at the universe, I am heartbroken for myself, I’m cross at myself for reacting like this. I’m sad for her that she has had to have what should be a happy time tainted by worrying about how I will feel. I know I will put on a brave face and support her because I love my sister but this feels a lot. I was supposed to haver the first grandchild and now she gets to do that. We are TTC again, hoping it will happen soon, but I was just not expecting this. It feels like every time we feel like we’re moving on something else happens and knocks me sideways, like we just can’t get out of the stormy sea we’re stuck in being batterer by wave after wave. I just needed to get this off my chest and see if anyone has any words of wisdom or love to send my way.

Hi everyone.

I will be TFMR (T21) this week. I’m heartbroken, but I’ve accepted our awful reality.

My question is more about what I can expect from this procedure. I will have to travel out of state thanks to our state’s lovely laws (about 5 hours away). I will be 13 weeks exactly based on LMP but my baby has been measuring anywhere from 3-5 days ahead this pregnancy.

We will be leaving the day before since I have to be at the clinic early in the morning. We don’t have childcare so we will have to bring our almost 12 month old with us. My husband can’t come in past the clinic’s lobby anyway so he’ll basically just be dropping me off then heading back to the hotel with our baby all while I go through a procedure that I never imagined having to do.

We reserved a room 2 nights but are planning on driving back home that same evening - is this realistic? I truly have no clue what to expect. I’d really appreciate if y’all are willing to share some firsthand experience/advice. Thank you!

I don't even know where to start. I feel numb, devastated, scared, and completely lost.
I have a TFMR scheduled in a few days, and I honestly cannot process what is happening to me. It feels like the whole world is moving forward as normal while my life is stuck in some horrible loop that I cannot escape from.
I was so excited for this pregnancy. After struggling to conceive, this baby was our miracle. I had so many dreams and plans for her. I imagined meeting her, holding her, bringing her home, and watching my husband become a father. I never imagined that I would be preparing to say goodbye to her before I even got the chance to meet her properly.
I'm terrified of the labour and delivery. I'm scared of the physical pain, the emotional pain, and everything that comes afterward. I keep thinking about going through all that pain and coming home without my baby. I know there is no easy way through this, but the thought of it breaks me.
I don't know how to exist in the world right now. Staying home makes me feel lonely and trapped with my thoughts, but going outside hurts too. Seeing pregnant women, newborns, and families with their babies reminds me of everything I'm about to lose. I want to be around people because I don't want to feel so alone, but being around people can hurt just as much.
Some days I cry, and other times I feel absolutely nothing. I don't know if I'm in shock or if my mind is just trying to protect me. I feel like a mess, and I don't know how to move forward with all this pain.
My husband is here for me, and I'm grateful for him, but I still feel so alone in this experience. Nobody around me can truly understand what it feels like to be preparing for the delivery of a baby you won't get to take home.
I'm not looking for anyone to tell me to be strong or that everything happens for a reason. I'm just trying to survive something I never thought I would have to experience.
If anyone has gone through a TFMR, especially later in pregnancy, how did you get through the days leading up to it? What helped you cope with the labour, the delivery, and the emptiness afterward? How did you learn to live with the grief?
I don't need to hear that time heals everything right now. I just need to know that I'm not alone, that someone else has felt this kind of pain, and that somehow I will be able to breathe again.
I miss my baby girl already, and she's not even gone yet.

Hi everyone 🤍 I have a question about something quite personal, and I was wondering if anyone has any experience with this.
After my termination, the hospital has said I may be able to have my baby’s remains returned to me. I’m around 12 weeks and I was wondering if anyone at a similar gestation was able to arrange a cremation and have their baby’s ashes placed in a small urn or a piece of memorial jewellery, such as a necklace.
I would really love to have something special to keep with me to remember my baby, but I’m not sure what options are available at this stage of pregnancy.
If anyone has been through something similar and feels comfortable sharing their experience, I would be so grateful. Thank you ❤️

Just wanted to share my experience, hoping this will maybe be helpful to someone. I had read a lot of mixed things about reading the pathology report, people saying they don’t think patients should have access to it, that it crushed them emotionally to read. So I was nervous to read it but also know myself and I knew if the information was there, I was going to read it.

I am so glad that I did. He was so much sicker than we knew. We knew his heart, brain, and skull had abnormalities. We knew the likelihood of development delay was very high, but of course had no way of knowing the severity for certain and that was hard for me. The pathology report revealed other abnormalities we had not yet been aware of. His arms, his feet, his spine, his facial features, his adrenal glands. He was very sick. I am still devastated beyond belief that this happened and so angry with the universe but I feel like maybe I can stop being angry with myself. I know his quality of life would have been so poor. I know that we did the right thing.

I miss my baby a lot today. TMFR’d at 26 weeks back in June. Her due date was September 25th. We planted a tree, had a breakfast with my family, put away everything in her nursery. It was so so hard and so beautiful as well. I was anticipating how hard the emptiness and grief would be after her due date when there’s nothing to ‘look forward to’ there’s just nothing. I miss her so much it physically hurts. My sweet baby Wynne is my first and only baby. We began trying last month, I wish I wasn’t trying to get pregnant right now, I wish I was holding my baby girl. I’m so sad.

I (28F) and my husband (30M) just had a TFMR 3 days ago. We lost our baby girl to trisomy 18 at 14 weeks, after our baby's NT (8.1mm) and eFTS (positive) was flagged at her 12 week scan. An early anatomy scan in the days that followed revealed a heart defect, fluid in her lungs (fetal hydrops) and several physical anomalies, along with high risk NIPT for trisomy 18 which was confirmed with CVS. We are devastated. This was our first ever pregnancy, and it took us exactly 1 year of trying to conceive that pregnancy. We prepped our bodies for a year, took prenatals and all the supplements, ate the right foods, avoided alcohol / caffeine / smoking, exercised, I even did fertility accupuncture. No family history either on either side for genetic conditions. It feels like despite being young when the odds should have 'been in our favour' we did all the right things only to still end up with a traumatic outcome that was out of our control. Unfortunately I know noone else who went through this, so its hard for me to process how to move forward or even cope - being stuck between mourning the baby we just lost and enduring that pain and so badly wanting a family in the future and knowing that will only happen once we heal. We ultimately want to wait 2 cycles to mentally / physically heal and get back our genetic testing for me and my husband before ttc but I'm terrified. The doctors told us the likelihood of this happening again is extremely low and it was "just bad luck" but its completely changed my perception of pregnancy (the innocence truley is lost after an experiance like this). Is there light at the end of the tunnel? For those that did get their rainbow babies or experianced something similar - how long did it take and any tips to move forward in this process (anything in terms of healing, health recovery, things you did different etc)?

Can I just say… You are all amazing.

I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and comments, and I’m genuinely so touched by how supportive this community is. The level of empathy, kindness, compassion and respect people show each other here is incredible.

I feel like so many of the comments I read are written from a place of such deep care, even when someone’s experience, circumstances, or feelings are different from their own.

I think going through TFMR has given us an understanding of pain, grief, uncertainty, and impossible choices that is hard to put into words. But somehow, I can sense it in every word I read here.

It’s so sad that we find ourselves here, but I’m incredibly grateful that a space like this exists. Thank you all for making this feel like such a safe place to be.

How did you find your strength to move forward after pregnancy loss?
I’m wondering how other people who have been through pregnancy loss, especially more than once, found their way back to themselves.
I’ve been through this twice now, (once at 12 weeks and other at 23 weeks) and honestly I feel pretty disheartened. Some days I’m okay. Other days, I find myself trying to fight with God and asking why this had to happen. Then there are days when I find myself praying again. And some days, nothing appeals to me at all. Nothing makes sense.

I know so many people go through this, and I know that, somehow, people eventually learn to live with the loss and find joy in life again. But right now, I’m struggling to imagine what that looks like for me.
For those of you who have been through this; how did you find your zing again? What helped you slowly come back to life, to yourself, and to finding things that felt meaningful again?
I’d really love to hear your stories. ❤️

Hi to everyone in this super-supportive community ❤️‍🩹 I am posting to see if anyone else has had a similar experience to me & how it got resolved.

I just had an ultrasound 5 weeks after my surgical termination for anencephaly because I was experiencing abdominal pain. I haven’t had the formal report back yet but the sonographer said he was concerned that there is a lot of fluid in the uterine cavity and is referring me to gynaecology to see if there is a blockage preventing it from draining. He said there wasn’t RPOC though.

I had a previous surgical miscarriage management earlier in the year (and a chemical pregnancy before that - what a year …) and again the ultrasound after the procedure showed a smaller amount of fluid and debris in the cavity. I bled more after that procedure. This time, I barely bled and my first period was light and only 2.5 days long. I took a pregnancy test and it is negative.

I am worried that I will have to have yet another procedure, or that the fluid build up is caused by uterine adhesions/Ashermans that can affect future fertility.

Any advice or information anyone can share would be hugely appreciated - thank you in advance!

Had a tfmr at 24 weeks in July. I’ve never experienced such grief. I have a LC 2 years old and so many times I’ve cried in front of her. I feel like I’m not giving her my best self, I’m always sad. If I do smile it’s like I’m pretending. I don’t feel like meeting anyone on weekends but if I don’t I spiral. My kid is the only reason I’m not completely breaking apart. The first month was really tough but somehow my brain became hopeful that we’ll soon become pregnant again (God will surely bless us soon after going through hell) but we’ve tried 2 cycles with no luck. And when I got my period this time, I had the most difficult day in 3 months. My husband is in it with me but I still feel lonely like nobody understands this. Therapist wasn’t much help, I don’t feel like discussing with friends, talking to mom doesn’t help. I just want this phase to be over.

I apologise if this is not ok to post and I will of course remove if there is any offence caused but if anyone could give advice or experience on my situation it would be greatly appreciated.

Currently 12 weeks pregnant and suffering really badly with my mental health. I previously have always been an anxious person however since becoming pregnant just feel so incredibly depressed. I’m hardly functioning. I’m working from home and take my 3yo son to nursery but apart from that don’t leave the house. Sickness has been bad (feeling but not being), however it’s like a constant feeling in my head of motion sickness. I’m usually very active and sporty however this has all had to stop.

Husband has been supportive physically (more childcare, housework etc, however just keeps telling me how I’m feeling is normal and it’ll get better. I keep saying I want to end the pregnancy due to my mental health (probably for the past month) however he has said he will end our relationship and I will have to move out (he owns our house) if I do.

Background. We were both on the same page re a second child, however have had 3 early losses in the last couple of years. I then told him I wanted a break and to pause, but he didn’t want to. I went along with some level of baby chat as I don’t want to lose him, however had been consistent with condom use. He started to make comments about the condom use and started stopping foreplay when I mentioned using one. I eventually caved one night as I wanted him to want me (stupid I know but our relationship has been pretty hot on the him withdrawing affection as a punishment over the years). I said the next day I wanted to get an emergency coil but he said words to the effect of if I get it he’ll reconsider our relationship. I know I’m so foolish to not have tried to get it.

I’m now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my life and family unit and home and I don’t want to lose this, but I know deep down I don’t think. I can cope. I’ve always wanted a second child but I don’t think I can get through this. I feel like a failure. I’m snappy with everyone, totally miserable and isolated. My mood is the worst it’s ever been and I worry about how bad it could get. I’m worried I’ll get to the point that I can’t look after the child I do have.

Any advice or experiences greatly appreciated.

A year ago today on my beloved grandmothers birthday we said goodbye to our first and so far only child, our daughter Mira.

Our story was so rare, still no other documented cases with all my daughter’s findings. From there another ultra rare genetic mutation that she inherited from me that I have no symptoms of. We’re the only ones in the world with this documented mutation. My mother and brother would later test positive too, then I would find out I have ashermans syndrome from calcified RPOC after our TFMR.

We started IVF, which has dealt us nothing but blows. Until recently when we landed 3 embryos. We’re gearing up for a potential FET and hoping we can give our daughter a sibling soon.

I truly cannot believe everything this last year has dealt us. It is unfathomable, when I think about it I genuinely feel I’m reading a made up story. Thing have been so hard and I am not the same person I was before this, I never will be. But I am finding my way slowly.

The lead up to this day was awful but now that it’s here we’re going to celebrate you the way you deserve. We love you so much Mira, happy birthday ❤️