Regrets
I have a lot of regrets from yesterday's conversation. Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful to hear from you. The happiest I've been in a long time.
But I know that right now, you're on high alert for feeling pressured.
I just want you to know, that during that 3 hour conversation, I heard you, I listened. However I feel like I made a mistake. In trying to hear you, and not make you feel pressured, I didn't say enough of my emotions. Which sounds selfish, but... How do I tell you I miss you without pressure? How do I tell you I want to be there, love you, uplift you, be there in all the ways I was supposed to be, without pressure.
How do I tell you that I finally realized my losses, and those losses ripped a hole in my heart. Which is supposed to be a good thing, I guess. But the problem is now I have all this access to emotions, and so many of them just want to pour into you, because they never got the chance to do that while I hid myself away and got worse?
How do I tell you any of this without pressure? I'm ready to be honest... But I guess because of our past, I feel like I still have to hide these new, raw emotions, because they're all the things you want to hear, but can't believe? I regret not saying more, I regret doubting my ability to be emotionally honest. But I hid those emotions away for your benefit. I have so much to say to you. I said I wasn't there yet, it wasn't because I was bitter or being a jerk... it was because I'm afraid to pressure you, because where I'm at is exactly where you want me to be. But you need actions, which is more than fair.
But I regret not giving you more reassurance, and more importantly the relief I felt knowing you are going to be okay. I regret not sharing the good, but I promise it was with good intentions.