Apologies in advance because this story is long, but it’s been somewhat of an intense/life altering experience so would like some feedback if u have the time!
A few months ago, I noticed a girl through work we don’t work together so I’ve never seen her before but we work for the same company. Not in a normal way either, was one of those moments where your brain just kind of stops for a second, almost like instant recognition. I asked around about her through a mutual friend, and I was told that she found me to be attractive, and that we’d actually get along really well. The only problem was that there was a work policy on her end that basically meant we she wasn’t allowed to date me, or talk to me at all (if she did she would lose her job). I was slightly bummed but I kind of just let it go.
Fast forward a couple months, and out of nowhere I find out she had actually been interested too, but couldn’t act on it because of the job restriction. She got my number through the mutual friend, and we started talking (later found out she was temporarily working remote so she felt more comfortable reaching out). We stayed up late texting, and there wasn’t any of that awkward small talk phase, it just flowed. But even then, she was already hinting at things. She had recently gotten out of a 2 year relationship, and I could tell she was a little guarded, even though she was still opening up.
We made plans quickly after connecting and although I’ve had a decent amount of dating experience, it was the first date I’ve ever had. It started a little stiff, she was very nervous, but once we got past that initial wall, everything just opened up. Maybe this sounds silly, but almost immediately it felt like she was someone that would be in my life for a long time. We ended up talking for hours, long enough that the place we were at literally had to close around us. And even after that, we sat in the car and kept talking like neither of us wanted it to end. I was obviously attracted to her but it felt like being understood in a way I hadn’t really experienced before. It was super easy and felt natural.
After that, we talked all week and made plans again. The second time she came over, we watched a movie but barely paid attention to it. We just talked and slowly got more comfortable. When we finally kissed, it felt effortless and was super natural. We stayed up late, neither of us really wanting the night to end, and I remember thinking in that moment that this was something real.
We kept talking but over the next day or so, things started to shift.
She told me she was feeling anxious about how fast things were moving. Not because she didn’t like me-she made that very clear, but because of her past relationship and the situation with her work. I gave her an out but again said she wanted to keep seeing me, just slower, more controlled. I agreed, but my anxiety started to also become real at this point because I didn’t want to lose it.
Over the next week I pulled back a bit in terms of making plans and talking as frequently. After a few days we were back to normal and eventually we made plans for the next week.
A few days before our date, things escalated emotionally on her side, and she kind of broke down. She was planning on coming back to work in person the following week and was telling me how anxious she was about it. Eventually she broke down and called me. She told me she didn’t think she could keep doing it because it was making her anxious all the time. She told me she saw our relationship going somewhere, but because she felt like she was constantly doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing it was freaking her out. I asked her straight up—if none of those outside factors existed, would you want this? And she said yes, without hesitation. I was very understanding and told her that I didn’t want to be a stressor in her life. She was sad but again it was a no brainer to me that if she felt this way, there was nothing that I could do. I was honest about my feelings (within reason) but I genuinely didn’t want to put her in a bad spot. It sucked but it felt like two people being forced to step away from something they both wanted.
I was sad but started trying to think forward, but before I could (less than 3 hours later) she texted me saying how sad she was and how dumb it was. We talked for a few more days but then again w her going back to work she mentioned that she was gonna try to stick to how we ended things.
And that’s kind of how it went for a while. She’d reach out again, sometimes emotional, sometimes logistical. A week or so later her birthday came up and I decided to send her flowers. She loved them, and almost immediately we started talking like normal again and she wanted to see me. Me knowing she was acting emotionally pumped the breaks a little and suggested something maybe later that week. She agreed. 2 days later however she got anxious again and this time I laid a harsher boundary, saying that if talking to her made her anxious, then I wouldn’t talk to her.
We then went 3 weeks of no contact. It felt like a year. Upon learning more about TFs I think this is when I experienced my DNOTS. I started to question everything and was almost embarrassed that something that on paper only lasted less than a month had this much of an impact on me (super out of character for me).
Then on a random Sunday night she texted me, breaking no contact. She didn’t overtly say anything, but basically told me that she was sad and wanted to check in. (I must note she was always very careful not to say anything emotionally loaded, but oftentimes would insinuate things or suggest them to the point I would have to say it for clarity and then she would agree).
We didn’t go back to talking immediately, but there was a work event a couple weeks later that we knew we may see eachother at. We didn’t, but she did start texting me more saying that she was sad she didn’t see me. One thing led to another and we hung out again. When we did, it was like nothing had changed. The same energy, the same comfort. She hugged me like she hadn’t seen me in years. We just talked and held each other like no time had passed most of the night. Before I left we made plans again for later that week and she kinda broke down again getting a little anxious, but I took the pressure off immediately saying that we can take our time. She calmed down and had a goodbye hug that felt like it lasted 10 minutes. Upon leaving I felt so good, almost too good, as if I knew there was going to be something that followed.
And as you could guess, the next day she was anxious again, sending me a long text saying she felt like she was putting me through something unfair, like she couldn’t fully open up because of everything going on in her life, the situation and her being afraid of being vulnerable with someone she cared about because of how badly her last relationship went. At first I tried to reassure her, that this could work and that she can trust me. That I’ve been patient and we both knew the connection was real, but ultimately she had to decide. She agreed and asked to take some time. After that conversation however I realized how much of a toll this situation had put me through emotionally and that I couldn’t handle the uncertainty anymore. I called her back and decided to end it properly.
I told her that I cared about her, and that I genuinely believed what we had was real, but the timing just wasn’t right. That maybe down the road, if things were different, we could revisit it. She agreed, but it was emotional. She cried. It felt like neither of us actually wanted that outcome, but to me there was no other way.
After that, we went no contact for a few weeks. It was honestly harder than I expected. This is when I learned about tf’s and I guess began to have my spiritual awakening. I tried to move on, distract myself, do all the normal things, but nothing really stuck. We saw eachother at a work event a few weeks later and I didn’t expect it to have the impact it did on me. I wanted to throw up. Later that night she ended up texting me, asking if I knew she was gonna be there before hand and I said no. Even then, it felt like she was holding back, like she wanted to say more but wouldn’t let herself.
It’s been a few months now, and I still think about her more than I feel like I should. Not in a way where I’m stuck or unable to live my life, but more like there’s this unfinished feeling that won’t fully go away. I’ve met other people, had other opportunities, but nothing has felt even close to that, which obviously has left life feeling very unfulfilling. I will also say tho that when I have decided to try and pursue other romantic opportunities, or put myself back out there for the sake of moving on I feel their attraction, but I feel like I instantly get blocked, which may fuel my delusions.
A couple weeks ago I found out she had gone on a few dates with someone else during a time we weren’t talking (and as I was being told this still seeing them). It was about a week before she reached back out to me after that longer no-contact stretch that led to us seeing each other again. Normally hearing that kind of thing would help me move on, but it hasn’t. I don’t know many details and I can’t imagine it is that serious, but it obviously stuck with me. Weirdly enough, it almost reinforced that what we had was real, because she still chose to reach out to me and make plans after meeting him. It felt like even if she couldn’t choose me fully, the connection didn’t go away for her either.
At the same time, I realize I’m probably rationalizing parts of it. But the fact that I feel this care towards understanding her, and don’t have any real resentment toward her is strange to me. I can admit it wasn’t handled perfectly, but I still have this compassion for her. And the fact that I’m still this affected by it is what messes with me the most. There’s a part of me that feels almost embarrassed by how much compassion I have for her still.
Everything I’ve read or heard says I need to do the inner work and detach. I have been, but I also know it takes time (and that compared to most people going through this, I am still in the very early stages of the journey). Lately I’ve been focusing more on myself—therapy, journaling, trying to detach and let go. I’ve also gone down a bit of a spiritual rabbit hole trying to make sense of it, which is how I ended up here. I don’t know if this is actually a twin flame situation or if I’m just trying to give meaning to something intense that didn’t work out. But I’ve never experienced anything like this before, especially not something so short-lived that left this kind of impact.
Recently I’ve spent less time ruminating on this (although me posting this may be a bit of a step backwards), and more so accepting that I’ll never fully understand her side of things and that no singular answer or action or dialogue will give me all the answers. I do however want to hear your input on whether this does appear to be a tf connection and if so how I should proceed going forward. Am I on the right track? Any advice? I know it’s still very early in the journey if so, so if I can avoid wasting time and going about it the ‘wrong way’ I figured I might as well attempt to do so. Anyways thanks for your time and appreciate any feedback.