Is my bf (28M) a bad influence or is it a me (30F) thing?
I’m starting to question my bf and I’s compatibility but I’m not sure if it’s me projecting things onto him or if it’s stuff we can work through or not. Seeking advice.
Background: met my bf at an edm show fall ‘24. We started dating in April ‘25 so just over 13months now. At the time I was in the midst of substance misuse/ *ddiction (unknowingly) and I’m now done with doing that stuff, working towards my 100 day sober mark. I’m now working on and have been contemplative of cutting back significantly on alcohol. I’m worried he’s been a horrible influence for me to do so. I am noticing I tend to binge drink with him much more frequently than I’d like. He also does drink more often and heavier than me, and I’m not a fan of it. Also worried I don’t think he sees anything wrong with it where I do. There’s been multiple times where I have had awful hangovers that ruin my day, I break down crying and spiral and get super upset about harming my body (I physically feel it in my stomach/ heartburn) and the drinking episode and it’s kinda like a yo-yo behavior. The thing is, I don’t binge drink when I’m by myself, I feel like he’s the common denominator. This past weekend this happened and I was really upset about it on Sunday and told him. In a way, I slightly blamed him for it and told him I can’t keep doing this and that I’m repulsed by excess drinking and worried he is a bad influence on me. He got really offended and is slightly giving me the silent treatment/ not texting me as much as usual. I feel bad for bringing him into my problem (binge drinking that I’m wanting to stop) but at the same time I think he’s a big contributor but also maybe not? I’m not sure? At the end of the day I’d like him to cut back heavily too…
I guess my question is, I know I’m in charge of my decisions so yes, I need to take accountability and work on my own social drinking habits/ limits. Although I’m a firm believer that you are who you surround yourself with. And I struggle with holding myself accountable knowing that. And am worrying that I may need to distance myself from folks/ situations that bring out the worst in me. But if I’m grossed out by his drinking habits and lack of healthy habits that I value (such as healthy eating, exercise, having a sense of faith, healthy sense of drive/ weekend hobbies) I’m not sure how to gently/ kindly tell him these are things I need to see or we aren’t going to work? Or what’s the best way to talk about this stuff bc every time I try it doesn’t go well and he says I’m being too hard on him and once he even said he worried he’s “not good enough for me” and I am not intending to make him or anyone feel that way…and then I end up feeling like the bad/ mean person and give up on bringing it up..so it’s been a very fragile topic but it’s becoming an elephant in the room.