Nc for 10ish years, now dad is dead
I am 33 (f) single parent. Went no contact around 10 years ago. My parents were 16/18 when they had me. My dad was always "trying" and as a child i absolutely loved him. I was also scared of him. He was diagnosed bipolar and an alcoholic even before i was born.
He was abusive to my mother while pregnant with me, and physically abusive to every woman in his life. He was emotionally abusive, would steal from me, and a string of a whole bunch of other shit. Think frank gallagher from shameless and that was him. Ill probably go rewatch the series and bawl my eyesout at the end.
He has tried to reach out 2x in the last 10 years and both times he put me down, told me to change my name, and what a terrible person i was for cutting him off and how when he dies we wont ever know. My stepmom contacted me 2019 to ask me to make ammends and i told her i would not unless he reached out and not her Well... it happened and today is my birthday when i found out.
He died on monday and i found out today. Cirrhosis. My estranged half brother (who i have never met-mind u a convicted SO), messaged me 2x last week asking to call him and offered no context or urgency. Come to find out he was on his death bed and i could have possibly seen him but i ignored the messages. Father told step brother that he didnt want us knowing.
Im so FUCKING PISSED. I will never get the closure i want. I would have taken my child to meet him on his death bed. I would have said im sorry for things that werent even my fault. I would have told him how much i loved him as a child. I would have said i forgave him for everything and i feel ROBBED AND ANGRY THAT THIS WAS THE LAST FUCK U TO ME. Ive been crying on and off all day. I just feel so much guilt.... so much anger.. so much grief.
I wish he had told me he was sick so i could see him or that my half brother would have told me it was an emergency... im devestated over a man i knew 23 years, nd held a grudge for 10. Why couldnt he be a good father to me? I hate this disease and mental illness. Its not fair. Idk what to do... im trying to stay strong for my toddler.
Now im alone, my family was with me all day.. now i can truly cry with boogers running down my face. How can the same man who beat my mother be the first man to show me how to love. He showed me genuine love as a child... or so i thought. Im just so heartbroken. He was not a good person. Scammer, abuser etc. But.... he named me... he loved me more than himself or so i thought. Ive never felt the love of a parent the way i did from him as a child. I hate him. I love him. I forgive him.