Hatred for everything
Hi.
Have you ever been hurt and felt so much pain inside for years that you've grown nihilistic, pessimistic, and cynical of pretty much... everything and everyone in the world? I come from a place of deep anger, hate, and sorrow, due to what one person did long ago in my life, and how it affected me. I don't hate the person; I hated what they did. And I cannot move on, I cannot feel real joy. All I ever feel is sadness, anger, and hatred for many things. I hate this world and my inability to grow or escape in it. I have literally nowhere to go in life, I have nowhere I truly want to go (except for Heaven), and I have nothing I want to do. I'm in my twenties, hyper-sensitive (I wouldn't post here otherwise).
I feel a deep, sharp, burning anger for what happened and how the people who toyed with me got away with it. I don't believe in revenge, personally, so I don't wish any of them ill intent or will. I just wish what happened had never happened, and as long as I live, the pain I have from it will never fade. I have come to a point in my life where I feel myself turning into a Scrooge, where I want nothing but to be miserable, because nothing in life brings me anything but misery. I've realised how many things in this world upset me, how many people, types of people, upset me, and how I upset myself and am an enemy to myself. I feel sick when people tell me to see a therapist or psychologist, because nothing is free, and there are people in these professions who will ruin your mental health more than help it. If I tell someone what I honestly think about something when I am asked to give a reason for my belief, and I simply state that I think it's bullshit (because I feel I don't need a valid reason to give over a personal matter, especially when I feel pressed/pressured to give one) the person will either insult me, or cut me out of their life. I generally hate the way most people behave, and how instantly they'd change tune over you if you don't agree with them or give them what they want. It is the same everywhere I go.
I worked for literally one week (retail job) and quit my job because emotionally/mentally I could not handle it. My job owner was an absolute jerk, and I swore to myself that if I didn't escape that place, I would either burn it down to the ground or do something more sinister that would land me a lifetime in prison. I thought about it logically, rationally, and kindly quit and wished everyone goodbye. I am now still unemployed, and I genuinely loathe the things I hear from others about work, like ''you don't work because you don't want to work''. I WANT to work, but if you're not hired, you don't get work. If you can't handle your job, it's not the work for you. What is, then? What is a job I could do? Comtemplating these things, over days, weeks, months, years, and still getting nowhere, meanwhile being told that it is my fault, makes me sick. I have attempted to take my life before, because of people who hurt me and gaslighted me (essentially, making me believe things were my fault when they weren't, almost like false accusations). These things can ruin a person, and it ruined me. Even today, I think of what bridge I can jump off from, what bottle of bleach I should drink, or what knife is best to use for slitting my wrists vertically. I have done neither yet, because I am sensitive to physical pain as well. My last attempt was an overdose, and luckily I felt no pain, but survived and woke up in the hospital.
My point is, I have slowly, over time, grown a strong hatred for the world, the way it operates, and how systematic events, people, and things often feel like they simply exist just to make my life worse. It is a mental Hell I struggle to escape, and one that often fluctuates. I am confident I don't have much time left, I am just not sure how I will go, whether by my hands or by accident, or by something of greater significane. I just wish I could sleep, and stay in that state. When I wake up, everything that I hate, everything that hurts, returns to me in full form, and I cannot help but think that maybe there is something either severely wrong with me, the world, or both.