u/DoneDrivingMyMom

I overheard my roommate and his girlfriend argue in the living room while I was awkwardly standing in the kitchen waiting for the toaster.

RM: At least let me drive you home.

GF: No thanks. I'll Uber.

RM: I said I was sorry.

GF: Why?

RM: What?

GF: Why are you sorry?

RM: I don't know what you want me to say.

GF: I just wanna hear you say what you're sorry for, Kevin. Are you sorry for wearing a turtleneck to bed? Are you sorry for nodding in silence when I said I love you? Are you sorry for yawning during sex? You said you're sorry, so tell me what you're sorry for.

RM: I don't know. I'm sorry.

GF: I can't with you.

I overheard two maintenance guys working on one of the elevators at my job.

Maintenance guy: It doesn't matter if you're both just in it for the pussy, if you're two guys sharing said pussy, then it's automatically somewhat gay.

Other maintenance guy: I disagree.

Maintenance guy: You can have a completely gay threesome but you can never have a completely straight threesome. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Other maintenance guy: Why you always like this bro? I was looking forward to this shit and now you're telling me it's fucking gay.

Maintenance guy: I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm trying to do the opposite. Embrace the experience for what it is and stop asking me questions if you're not mature enough to unpack the answers.