i am struggling for many reasons at the moment, i am going through a rough breakup that is really giving me an incredible amount of pain to the point my heart aches. but i am having a lot of trouble trying to find the right help. i would give conditions that i align with but the truth is all of them. anxiety, depression, (diagnosed for those two) , bpd, bd, hpd, npd, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment i feel like im just collecting them like pokemon cards, and that seems extremely unreasonable just… because... i guess im not so far gone that i believe i may have so many serious conditions at once. a fear that comes to mind with that specifically hypochondria (would a hypochondriac try to diagnose themselves with hypochondria?). the thing preventing me from growth is tied to all the concepts im talking about here, and i feel like is connected to my desire for objective truth, the literal fantastic worlds and ideals (lifestyle, partners, personality, perception) that i find myself so caught up in, my obsessive chronic thinking, why i haven’t found success with therapy, my constant flip flopping/compulsive skepticism between coping mechanisms and ideologies and ways of thinking/living that i eventually take issue with, the sort of train of thought that goes “maybe im faking all of this, but if im not then ill do some serious damage to myself by not taking it seriously,” but instead of just stopping there or entering a circular reasoning loop, its just spiraling. and i can recognize that’s unhealthy but i have absolutely no idea how to deal with it. and im afraid to try because what if someone gives me the wrong advice? how would i know? im looking for something that might give me something to latch on to, something that gives me hope that there is something wrong with me and it is treatable. it feels like theres something there, and its been there, all my life, but i don’t have the hope that i can turn it around myself anymore, i dont have that much faith in myself because im just going in blindly and cluelessly after so many attempts to change something. i don’t have the answers i so desperately seek. and maybe i never will, but if that is truly the answer, it raises even more questions and i feel even more lost and confused. im at a point where i feel stuck because, since i don’t trust my brain to make confident decisions due to such a paralyzing fear that i will (as i have done in the past) adopt a way of living that turns out to be unhealthy, i am genuinely out of ideas. ive tried therapy and i don’t know what i could do differently that explains my failure. im posting here because something about dr k’s videos gives me that, it feels like an insight that i can produce meaningful change of, but that has disappeared, because of course it might just be me escaping true growth and change and replacing it with something that feels productive, and that contradiction presents itself in every single facet of my life. i consistently fail to understand, grow, and change, and i don’t know why. i feel like i really do try to open myself up so much and take everything on the chin and just accept, but its impossible to just accept and believe. cause i don’t think gaslighting myself into believing something will work. and i hope i can be proven wrong but… it’s the problem with blind faith. if thats what i have to do, then my greatest fears have been recognized and i will be more lost than ever. if the only path to making sense of the world is not making sense of it in a way…. i am at a loss for words
im looking for anything. treatment options. ideas. challenges. questions. debate. i dont care anymore because i am so out of options and hopelessly confused. i am just sick of feeling like this, the sense of complete and profound metaphysical lack of direction or sense, i feel completely out of touch. i either have a lot that im missing, or nothing that i am missing. these both terrify me in a way that makes my heart physically hurt.
i apologize if this is just too abstract, random, and nonsensical. i hope if that is the case you all will let me know, but in that event i hope i can at least get some semblance of insight.
(emotional; i know im indulging in a fantasy like i described earlier, but i just wish that i could find a therapist or someone that could beat me at my own game, challenge my ideas and reorient me in the way i hope and pray is possible. these types of thoughts are the only thing that give me comfort.)