u/Dopesenia

So for context me and this guy have been talking for about a month and actually have hit it off very very well. He opens the car door for me, he pays for dates, he’s very sweet and open minded and I think we would’ve been great together. I really really like him but I know actions speak louder than words and I fucked up in such weird unforgivable ways. Anyways, for some reason I don’t know how to be normal around alcohol and the men I like. I always black out like it’s actually so ???? Because it never happens to me otherwise. So anyways I’ve blacked out around him on two separate occasions, both at the same bar on two different nights (I am never going back to that bar). The first night I ended up getting so drunk I did a bump in the bathroom???????? Like an idiot (trust me I know and honestly I would never talk to me again). Mind you I had never done it before and was out of my mind and this girl in the bathroom peer pressured me into it. Anyways he forgave me and I felt so bad about it because it was completely out of my character and I didn’t want him to view me like that. Moving on…. Things were fine we were hanging out like every other day, watching movies, painting, going to the park, building legos, etc. just very sweet stuff. We would hang out until like 2am just talking. I like him a lot I really did fuck up and I quite literally never want to drink again….. okay are yall ready. So it was my brother’s bday party, he came along with a few other friends of mine and we decided later on in the night to go to the bar. I had already been drinking and was fine w staying but everybody else wanted to go (which I really shouldn’t have but oh well). So anyways we get to the bar and it’s a video game bar, so I’m playing games w my other friend [21F], we’ll call her K and we got drinks. 2 hours into being there I black out and I have no recollection of this but I woke up to paragraphs in the morning. My friend, we’ll call her D [21F also] sent me a passive aggressive text in the morning and once I responded that I didn’t remember anything and asked for clarification, she went off on me. Apparently I was making out with K in the bathroom and told D to stay????? Good lord. And not only that but I then made out with K where the guy I like could see. It wasn’t weird like I was trying to make out in front of him but it was like girl wtf are you doing you have no respect. I feel so bad like the guilt and shame is consuming me because I have no memory of that and I would never ever ever ever do something like that period. I don’t remember it at all. He texted me too and he wasn’t as mad as my other friend D but he said it’s better we stay friends fr and that he doesn’t wanna go out on dates anymore (which is completely fair I wouldn’t either). So I’ve been depressed for the past 3 days like cannot get out of the bed and missed work depressed. So idk can someone just give me some advice or words of wisdom cause I fuxked things up so bad and I really doubt he will ever talk to me again, it’s like I was playing how to lose a guy in a month and I don’t understand why i won’t let a good thing be good. He’s a very nice guy and isn’t deserve to be treated like that or disrespected and I don’t even know what to do. Thanks for reading