Should I [28F] break it completely off between my husband [27M] and I? We’re currently separated.
My [28F] husband [27M] and I separated about a month ago. We’ve been together for over 3 years and married a little over one.
We met on Tinder and I hadn’t had a relationship for 3 years and the last one was my son’s [5M] dad, who isn’t in the picture by his choice, so baby daddy drama is not an issue. When we first started talking he was up front about a major issue he was dealing with, with the custody of his child [4 M], and had just got out of a relationship with his baby mama a few months prior. I feel stupid now for not seeing those as red flags, I saw them as yellow flags and still allowed myself to get swept up. He took 3 weeks to ask me out and even then it was kinda my idea. We went on our first date and everything went great, he didn’t pressure me for anything, which with tinder that was a refreshing feeling. We went on 2 more dates and then made things official. A week later (which was sooner than I originally wanted but I was swept up) he met my son. Then he never really left.
Soon after all that I graduated from college, he was working part time at a fast food place. So we moved together to where my first teaching job was and he quickly found a job as a custodian at the same school district. We were fine financially but at this time we started fighting constantly because I felt like he just played video games and I did the cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids (my son was was with us 24/7 and his son came every weekend) as well as working full time.
I didn’t get rehired at that school so we were moving again the next summer. We moved into a trailer house that was crumbling around us because it was the only rental available in that entire town. The job he managed to find was a part time fast food job. So now money was tighter and we ended up dropping to every other weekend with his son because we couldn’t afford the 3 hour drive to get him and the 3 hour drive to drop him off every weekend anymore. He ends up quitting his job and going to a dollar store/grocery store to work in a town over. Our financial situation doesn’t change much but I’m now working a part time on top of my full time teaching job. Nothing changes about me feeling like I’m doing all the child rearing, cleaning and taking care of the house and we’re still fighting a lot. I start noticing he’s fighting with me right before he goes to work every time, and then he has a full blown panic attack before work one day and I tell him he has to quit. He quits and promises that he will get the certification he wanted for the career he wanted to get into.
Meanwhile that house falls apart so drastically that we emergency move into my parents house and I’m now driving an hour to work everyday. We have to move out of my parent’s place in 6 months and I’m searching for another job, not because I have to but because I wasn’t happy with that school.
He has not gotten his certification and has worked delivery jobs here and there but not consistently. I find another job, I have to find the place to live, I have to take care of the kids and he sits and plays video games. We still are fighting a lot. During this time I had a major depressive episode. I had to muster up the energy to get into a doctor and a counselor for myself. It took 3 months but I got in both, got on meds and got into consistent counseling.
Once we finally find a new place he promises to find an actual job even if it’s part time to help with specific amounts on bills, like we planned it out. 5 months pass and he has not gotten a job. I get it the job market sucks but not that bad considering he was looking for retail or fast food. He does eventually find that he can work a delivery service with flexible scheduling and make enough money for what we need. He does it for a month. The next month his car breaks down.
Luckily I work with my mom so I start riding with her so he can drive my car. He slows down on working and doesn’t make enough to cover what he needs to. We still are fighting a lot and I start dreading going home. We start seeing a couples counselor and he’s feeling like she and I are teaming up on him because he really isn’t doing his part in this relationship. Things start getting better for a week, then the next week it gets bad again and that cycle repeats for months. Then before school one day my son and I are getting ready and are waiting on my mom to come get us and he woke up grumpy and starts taking it out on us. My frustrations were bad at this time so I start confronting him saying it’s not fair that he’s grumpy so now he’s being mean to me and my 5 year old son. We start arguing and my son comes out and I stop and tell my son to go to his room and he says “yeah go to your room so your mom can talk shit about me”. I was livid. I took my son and my car and drove to my parent’s house. He yelled at me out the door the whole way. We get to school and I decide that, that was my last straw.
His car is still broken down so I decide to call his dad to come get him. He leaves with some of his stuff. We’re still talking but not in a relationship. I get his stuff packed and load his car up and haul it to him. We spend that day together with his son and my son and decide to try to figure it out and keep seeing each other. This was over a month ago.
During this time, he gets a job and has to take care of his dad’s house and take care of his son on his own. The problem is he still only messages me about his woes and that his life sucks. Meanwhile, I don’t dread going home. I’m not spending as much money on literally everything and don’t have to work side jobs as much. My son seems happier and we spend more time together.
I’m feeling incredibly guilty about feeling good right now. Because he is so sad and stressed. I don’t know what to do because I feel like I’m not in love with him anymore. I don’t know if I should give it some more time. I mean anytime I’m even just talking to him, feels bad because he’s so negative about literally everything. He wants to give up and I don’t wanna make him spiral. But I don’t want my son or I to suffer anymore because of him. I don’t know if he ever will change.