Nothing planned. Thought I’d be gone by now.
Hi. I don’t post online ever let alone about my personal woes but I suppose now is better than never. I’ve fantasized about ending my life in a multitude of ways every day since I was about 12. I am 24 now and the thoughts have not stopped. When I was around 14 I told myself I’d give myself until about 18 to figure it out or to finally go through with it. Obviously that came and went. I’ve done lots of things to attempt to enrich my life. I moved out and to another state. Worked multiple jobs that gave me creative freedom to express myself. Tried dating. Made “friends” and went to cons. Working out. Therapy. Medications. Reconnecting with family. Moved back in with some family. College. And nothing helps. I still engage in self harm practices, which feels a bit embarrassing as I’m not a teenager anymore and in my mid 20s. I don’t have many skills, and the skills I do have and actively work to improve (art) are juvenile for my age, even with the studying and practice and going back to the basics I don’t seem to improve. My siblings are quite smart with high paying jobs in the medical field. I’m aware comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s for sure easier said than done. I journal about my thoughts frequently as my therapist recommends but I can’t say it helps mitigate the thoughts of death that seem to follow me. I’m looked down on by a majority of my family, and the parent that doesn’t look down on me is a bit hard to talk to. Suicidal thoughts and suicide itself is prevalent in my family so it’s a touchy subject.
I know I’m not the first person to fall into this hole when they’d thought they’d be long dead by now; but how do I climb out of it? I don’t have any motivation for anything whatsoever other than my art, but the chance of it sustaining me financially are little to none. My life feels stagnant and like the only option for me is to start over. I had reached out to one of my siblings with these thoughts but was met with frustration about how she didn’t get as much leeway from our dad and then brought up some frustrations she had built up about me from a few years prior. It was very disheartening and has prevented me from reaching out to anyone close to me so I’m reaching out to strangers on the internet now. If you read this far thank you.