Realizing the Source of my Attachment
For the longest time I [M26] blamed myself for how I felt. Only recently did I start to realize how my parents influenced my attachment style.
My mom is incredibly anxious and has depression. Resolution to my problems was rarely provided; she was the only one getting anything out of the interaction. She needed to know that I was OK. I have no choice. I end up being the "stable" one, even with all of my issues. Sometimes I feel resentful when she tries to talk to me. You gave me all of these problems and now you want to stay close to me? At least you were able to stay in a long term relationship. I can't do that at all.
My father is very emotionally distant. Not only that, he is very dismissive. I can't go to him with any of my problems either, as he will just tell me to not feel that way. He pretty much always took the approach that he needed to "toughen me up." That he could raise me to have certain beliefs; to think a certain way. He would have (and still sometimes has) random outbursts of anger when I didn't understand him. I will talk to him but do not understand his world view at all.
I'm so jealous of those who did not grow up with these attachment issues. This attachment style stems out into my interests. I had a perception that it would be easier to connect with others in the furry fandom; a significant shared interest. I have not had success in this. Many of the people I talk with online seem to have an attachment style not nearly as messed up. I see pictures of people going to conventions together and it just makes me think I lost before I even started.
I've been trying to better my attachment style for years now and it just barely seems like I'm moving the needle. I crave uncertainty and inconsistency; that is what I grew up with. I get attached to people pretty quickly when I don't know much about them. As things start to get more real though, my nervous system always shuts down. I lose interest. I've tried powering through it, but didn't feel any better. I long so deeply for a close relationship but my nervous system can't handle it. I feel broken inside.
I guess at this point I'm just looking for people to relate to my experiences. Because this sucks so hard.