What should I do? I feel like I know what I need to do but I need advice
My Ex (20f) and I (20M) broke up last month. We ended things respectfully and agreed it was probably for the best, but the reality is that she gave up on our relationship before I did. I tried everything I could to love her the way she wanted to be loved, but in the end, it wasn't enough. I wanted to fight for us, but eventually she made it clear that I wasn't as important to her as she was to me, and that was when I finally let go.
She was an incredible partner, which makes it hard to understand when her feelings changed or why. Some of the things she said during the breakup still replay in my mind. More than anything, I wanted her to be happy, but after we broke up, she seemed completely unaffected while I was grieving the loss of someone I cared deeply about.
We still had classes together, so I had to see her regularly. While I was struggling to get through the breakup, she looked like she was enjoying life without a second thought. During our breakup conversation, I mentioned a guy from class who made me uneasy. I've never been a jealous person and always encouraged her to make friends with whoever she wanted. The reason this guy bothered me was because the situation reminded me of how she and I first met.
Just two days after our breakup, I saw her ask him for his contact information. It hurt more than I expected. A week later, I learned they were hanging out. Then, during class, I overheard her asking him about their plans for the day, and what she described sounded almost identical to the dates we used to go on together. Hearing that felt like a punch to the gut.
Around the same time, this guy and I became friends, and we've stayed in touch ever since. I've taken him to the gym a few times and hung out with him regularly, but I couldn't ignore the fact that he was actively texting my ex. One time when we were hanging out, I noticed that they had even exchanged phone numbers. Unfortunately, I had already shared a lot of personal details about my relationship with him, and over time I started to feel like he had become a go-between for her. I regret opening up to him as much as I did, but I never really knew how to address it without making things awkward or revealing how suspicious I had become. What made it worse was finding out that he had lied to me. He told me he was going to help his mom, but later I learned that he had actually gone out to eat with my ex. Whether my suspicions are completely justified or not, that discovery left me feeling betrayed and even more isolated during an already painful time.
Maybe she wasn't trying to hurt me. Maybe she didn't even realize the effect it would have on me. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that it hurt in exactly the place she knew I was most vulnerable.
Despite everything, I still love her and miss her. Sometimes a smell, a place, or a random memory instantly brings her back into my mind. Even things as small as the newsletter emails we signed up for because of her hobbies remind me of the life we shared. I think about the nights I stayed awake helping her get the collectibles she loved before they sold out.
Throughout our relationship, I made a lot of sacrifices because I loved her. I distanced myself from people who seemed to bother her, not because she asked me to, but because I wanted to make her comfortable. Now that she's gone, I realize how much of my world revolved around her. I don't regret those choices, and I would never use them against her, but part of me wishes she had noticed how much I cared.
I wasn't a perfect boyfriend, but I genuinely gave it my best effort.
Recently, I discovered that she blocked me on everything—even Spotify. She's completely entitled to do that, but it surprised me because I thought we had ended things on good terms. It made me question how much of our relationship I truly understood.
I miss her, or maybe I miss the version of her I believed she was. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks about me the way I think about her when certain songs, places, or memories come up. Ironically, she's still the person I want to talk to most, yet she's probably the last person who wants to hear from me.
At one point, I told myself that for once I was going to choose myself. Looking back, though, I still prioritized her wants and needs over my own. The person I saw during those final weeks didn't feel like the woman I thought I knew.
Lately, she's been showing up in my dreams. Sometimes they're memories, and sometimes they're moments that never even happened. No matter how hard I try to move on, it feels like my mind refuses to let go.
I even took a trip into the city to distract myself, only to accidentally end up on the same street where we had waited in line for a concert together the week before we broke up. Moments like that make it feel impossible to escape the reminders.
I spend too much time wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking, and whether she ever thinks about me. The silence left behind by her absence feels overwhelming, and part of me still hopes to see a message from her, even though I know that's unlikely.
I'm constantly caught between missing what we had and accepting that it's over. I want to reach out, but I also understand that contacting her might not be what she wants. The truth is, I miss her deeply, but I'm not even sure I want the relationship back. Or maybe part of me does.
I'm confused, heartbroken, and exhausted. More than anything, I just want this feeling to end.