Idk
I'm confused and consumed by internalized homophobia. Throughout my life, I've had several relationships with people of the opposite sex. I tried my best to convince myself that I loved them, but now I realize that's not true. Yes, I felt comfortable with them, but I never felt anything like the feelings I had for my first love. And that love turned out to be my best friend, although I didn't realize it right away. And when I did, I was terrified, pushed the thought away for a long time, and eventually limited my contact with him entirely (which I still regret).
The whole problem is that I grew up in a very religious family; my father is a priest. And naturally, because of his religion, he always said outright that he despised all "faggots" and wished them eternal hell.
And even though I don't adhere to his religion, I still feel like some kind of vile creature, as if I were betraying my family. And to be honest, I'm really afraid they'll turn on me, because otherwise we have a good relationship.
I don't know what to do, and is there a chance I'm wrong and these were just the wrong women?