My father apologized to me today
I'm 25, male. My dad, who is in his middle 50s right now, asked if I wanted to come home to help him work on a "project." I agreed, but when I got there, he just wanted to talk. He apologized (as earnestly as he could) for being so emotionally distant my whole life. He blamed it both on work and on living with untreated depression. He always made up for feeling low by burying his nose in his work. He apologized for not being as close to me and my siblings as my mother, and expressed his regret over his parenting. He told me if he could go back and redo his life, he would do everything in his power to be a better man for his family. He never hit or even really yelled at us, but he said out loud that he had been a bad father.
The entire time I just stared at my hands and fought back tears. I wanted to tell him that I forgive him, that I want to be a better son to him in turn and that no matter what he was still my dad and I love him.
But I couldn't! I couldn't say anything I wanted to. I just kept talking to him the way I had my entire life; tell him it's cool and that I appreciate what we DO have. I couldn't say what I wanted to, so we just sat there in silence until mom came home. Now I'm worried I made him feel like he just cut himself open for nothing. I've always felt like my vocabulary and confidence were locked up in his presence, and my dad isn't an idiot, I know he knows I'm an awkward mush mouth around him.
I wish I could find the strength to be emotionally vulnerable in front of him. I think my body is scared he won't understand how to handle that kind of weakness, even though he just showed me his. Maybe he feels the same way? Choked up because he has to talk to his eldest child, someone who can't emotionally relate to true vulnerability.
I love him with all my heart, I just don't know how to talk to him.
EDIT: thank you all for your kind words towards my dad, he's truly taking a big step here and now I need to return that effort and show him how much I love him and want to mend our relationship. Thank you all again 💜💜