My Boyfriend is Christian And I'm Not...Help
We've known each other for about two months now and it's honestly been amazing. We've grown really close and I've never felt so safe and understood by someone. But there's been this thing about religion looming over my head and I've been worried about it. We've talked about it and he said that he really likes and loves me and that he cares about me too much to break up with me because I'm not Christian and he wants to work things out so we can be together with our separate beliefs. Which is honestly a big change from him originally presenting me with a kind of ultimatum where me not being religious would end things. Which was so much pressure on me.
We've always been able to talk things out no matter how 'bad' it gets. He says his feelings, I say mine, we acknowledge them, and come to a solution/understanding that feels good for both of us. But at the same time, he's out of town for a month visiting family so I don't know if this is a conversation to have over the phone. We honestly have more conflict over the phone because reading each other's tone and understanding each other over the phone is difficult. We've never actually fought, just gotten frustrated by each other and we just talk it out. But regardless, I don't want to start something on the phone with him.
My other thing is that he doesn't really come off as that Christian to me either. He can be pretty judgmental of other people in a way that I'm not. I would say that at times I'm kinder or more generous to strangers than he is. He and I both don't read the bible, me because I'm not religious and him because... I don't know. I live in a way that is pretty similar to him, I just don't think that something exists.
I know that he said that things are fine, but I feel anxious. I don't know if I should bring it up again or just leave it alone? I feel scared to bring it up again because we've already talked about it and because I'm scared of fighting with him and because I don't want us to break up. I have no idea how to sit with something so big like this.
I also want to add a bit about myself and Christianity:
I personally have no problems with it. I think it's great that people have religion and I know for some it provides people with a lot of guidance and comfort and answers. I think there is a lot of beauty in the people that are truly faithful. I admire Christian values and I try to be as kind and generous as I can, although that's been motivated more by my own personal morals rather than Christianity because I really just was not exposed to religion as a kid (I'm still a teen right now). I sometimes think it's a scam because how many terrible people do I know that have Bible verses on their Instagram bios. How many people online have I seen claiming to be Christians while also saying despicable and cruel things about homeless people or about immigrants. So. Really I don't blame God or Jesus or religion itself for that but man do some people hide being Christianity or the idea of being forgiven. But anyways. I agree with what the Bible says for the most part to be honest and I think in terms of my own morals and stuff I've been living my life according to the Bible in a way. Since seeing him we've agreed to wait until marriage which is fine to me. He's reminded me to work on not saying stuff like "oh my God" which I'm actually glad for because that was originally something I did and then fell out of because idk why. I sometimes wonder if God is real because I look around at the world and nature and it's so beautiful and amazing and it would be nice to have someone to thank for it. But I also know there is a lot of suffering here and my own life has been very very difficult from childhood and for those reasons I don't understand God. I mean I'm grateful for who I am now. I know my struggles have shaped me into the honestly amazing person I am today. I am proud of myself for growing and learning and for overcoming a lot of hardship by myself. But again, I just don't believe in God. And part of me finds myself thinking stuff like well I don't want to give up X Y and Z. Which I don't really know what those things would be but I've heard that you're not supposed to wear clothing of different threads or stuff like that. Which then makes me wonder am I just then too tied to sin which is like the whole point of being Christian and turning to God. But I don't know. I live a relatively pure life all on my own. And since meeting my boyfriend I've felt really fulfilled and I would hate to not be able to be with home over our beliefs. I don't know. At the end of the day I really care about him but I don't think I could force myself to suddenly believe in God for him.