u/Double-Training-6337

A few days ago, I posted about the girl I loved for almost 4 years. The girl I wrote 16 songs and 2 books for. The girl I could never stop loving no matter how much she hurt me.

I thought I had already suffered enough.

Apparently not.

Recently, I got to know something that genuinely shattered me in a completely different way.

There’s this guy in my office who always talks about women in the worst possible way. Especially her. He talks sexually about her body to his friends, objectifies her, body shames her, reduces her to nothing but physical features. Every time I heard him speak about her, I used to feel disgusted because even after everything, I still respected her deeply.

A few days ago, there was a birthday party. I wasn’t invited because apparently my presence would make her uncomfortable, and honestly, I accepted that peacefully.

But then I got to know what happened there.

She got drunk.

The same girl who once said she would never drink.

And then she got physically close with that same guy.

Holding hands. Hugging tightly. Leaning on his shoulder. Almost kissing him. Being all over him while drunk.

And the most hard-hitting part?

She already has a boyfriend.

The senior I once talked about before. .

I genuinely sat there thinking:

“What the hell did I even spend years loving?”

And before people attack me. no, I’m not angry because she moved on. She had every right to. She already made it clear years ago that she couldn’t love me back the way I loved her.

What broke me was something else.

For years, I carried this image of her in my heart. Pure. Emotionally genuine. Different from everyone else. I literally survived some of the darkest years of my life holding onto that image.

And now it feels like that image collapsed in front of me.

The saddest part is… I still can’t hate her.

I wish I could.

Maybe it would’ve been easier.

But instead I’m sitting here realizing that the only emotional reason I was still surviving in this office was because somewhere deep inside me, I still wanted to see her every day.

Now even that reason is gone.

“Ab idhar mujhe rehne ka wajah hi nahi raha.”

And honestly?

I think something inside me finally broke this time.

I met her in my first year of college.

Even now, after three and a half years, I still remember the exact moment I first saw her. It was during a cultural day in college. She was wearing a blue and cream-colored saree with a cute mask on her face. I still remember standing there asking my friend, “Who is she?”

That was the day everything started for me.

I found out she was one year senior to me. At first, it was just attraction. I used to wait for her messages, think about asking for her number, and find reasons to talk to her. But life somehow gave me a reason before I even had the courage.

One day, she reached out to me because two of her close friends who were mutuals of mine too were fighting. She asked for updates about them, and that’s how our conversations started.

Back then, I thought I just wanted a girlfriend.

I didn’t realize when that turned into love so deep that it literally became a part of me.

I loved that girl with my soul.

And I still do.

The problem was… I was insecure. I was scared that she could never love me back the way I loved her. So I lied about certain things. Not because I wanted to manipulate her, but because I was terrified of losing even the possibility of her.

Then things became more complicated.

One of her friends proposed to me right in front of her. And the worst part? Neha was happy for it. I remember feeling completely shattered inside because all I wanted to say was:

“I don’t love her. I love you.”

But I couldn’t.

I got stuck in a situation where I was trying to handle both sides, and eventually her entire friend group started seeing me as some kind of playboy or Casanova who treats girls badly. They misunderstood me completely, and I didn’t even know how to defend myself anymore.

Still, I chose her.

I eventually gathered the courage to reject the girl who proposed to me because I wanted to be honest about my feelings for Neha.

she (neha) was still believing in me that i'm not that kinda guy and i dunno what happend after that she started distancing me . i still remember she told me i believe you !!

But by then, the damage was already done.

Then came second year.

There was a senior whom she became really close with. Slowly, she started spending more and more time with him. The time she gave me became less and less. I tried to respect her space. I tried to understand her differences. I tried to act mature.

But honestly?

It hurt me like hell.

You know how deeply I loved her?

I wrote 16 songs and 2 books about her.

That’s how much she meant to me.

By third year, I got emotionally exhausted and decided to stop chasing her for a while. I started spending time with my own classmates and tried to enjoy college like a normal person.

But deep down, I never stopped loving her.

Then came farewell day.

That day, I finally confessed everything properly again. I still remember sitting there and proposing to her with whatever courage I had left in me.

But she said no.

Again.

And what destroyed me wasn’t even the rejection.

It was what she said after that.

She looked at me crying and said:

“I can’t love you the way you love me.”

She literally cried asking herself why she couldn’t love me back.

That moment broke me in a way I can’t explain.

Because for a second, I felt like the love was real… but still not enough.

Around the same period, my life completely collapsed.

Within three months, I lost my uncle, my aunt, and my best friend.

My mental health was destroyed. My physical health became terrible. My studies suffered. Everything in my life hit rock bottom at the same time.

And then she left too.

One day, she told me something I’ll never forget.

She said:

“I’ve been with you out of obligation these many days. I thought it was because of you and your situation… but now I realize I genuinely don’t care the way I should.”

She never told me whether she genuinely cared before or not.

And that uncertainty stayed with me forever.

After that, I disappeared for a while.

I worked on myself. I healed slowly. I became stronger mentally and physically. I improved my looks, my confidence, my life. I thought maybe I had finally moved on.

Then life played one last joke on me.

I switched companies because a friend referred me to a new one.

On my very first interview day there…

I saw her again.

And suddenly every emotion I buried came back at once.

But this time, everything felt quieter. More mature. Less dramatic.

She ignores me now like I don’t even exist.

And honestly, maybe I deserve some of it because there were times I kept trying to convince her to love me even after she had already given me clarity.

Now I think she’s in a relationship.

Every day I see her smiling at her phone, giggling on video calls with someone else right in front of me and everyone around us.

And strangely…

Part of me still hurts.

But most of me feels happy seeing her smile.

Because after everything, my love for her somehow never became hatred.

I still love her.

And maybe that’s the saddest part of this entire story.