completely on the edge
atp i don’t know what to do i’m in such an awful place and see no way out. i’m on the edge of getting better or worse and i think im going to get worse.
i feel so pathetic because this month marks only a year since i started harming myself with ed behaviors (i did on and off beforehand but never a significant amount of weight loss until last year) but i’m still so so so so miserable. every single day is a struggle with food and body. i try to pretend it’s no big deal especially right now where it is becoming standard to be on weight loss meds and praise dangerous weights/lifestyles
but everyr day this is still the first thing on my mind.
today i went out to eat and then had an unplanned dessert and i can quite literally feel everything on me. the feeling has never been THIS bad before. i have never purged due to reading everyones awful experiences with it and that always keeps me from it every time. but i’m not sure that’s enough to keep me from it this time.
i just saw my mom last week after a year and she has lost a significant amount of weight as well and my fam is big on making comments on when people gain weight, which i did since they last saw me. during that week i indulged as we were celebrating but i was miserable the entire time. i then tried to be in a deficit afterwards and ending up irrationally hungry at a TINY deficit.
i feel it is impossible for me to lose weight now. i understand purging will not help but i have no other way to get relief. i am at a point in my life with a lot of emotional transitions and also dealing with supporting a friend and their family after a mental health crisis. i feel i am being pulled every which way by every person and thing in my life without a single moment for myself. i don’t know what else to do for relief.
pls i cannot imagine living the rest of my life feeling like tjere is nothing worse than being in my own body i don’t know what to do