I am unfathomably aroused almost all the time and I can’t shut it off.
Hello all, I’ll do my best to keep this non-graphic though I’ll be discussing a sensitive subject.
I’m a 22 year old male and I have an extremely high sex drive that’s only gotten stronger ever since I was a teenager. I live my life with this weird duality where I have the potential for sexual access because I’m conventionally attractive and tall but at the same time, have never had sex organically outside of 4 separate times I paid a prostitute for intercourse.
I grew up in a religious household which induced a lot of shame around sexuality and I always thought something was wrong with me growing up for having sexual desire and my home life in general was extremely chaotic (abusive dad, clinically insane mother) which led to a perfect storm of developing commitment issues which have led to me (consciously or unconsciously) turning down any woman who shows genuine interest in me because my nervous system treats a woman genuinely wanting to connect with me like the world itself is about to end and all my freedom is about to be taken away. At the same time, I’ve always craved connection and wanted to have a girlfriend and feel ‘behind’ for never having had one especially since most my friends/coworkers/family are under the impression I have sexual access (not because I brag about anything, I just don’t talk about girls much) because I’m tall and conventionally attractive.
I’ve masturbated 4-6 times a day for literally as long as I can remember and it’s peaked to 6-20 times a day ever since I’ve been 18. Most of the time it’s just at night to help me get to sleep since I have terrible insomnia but other times, I feel like I can’t think straight unless I crank one out, so I’ll go to the bathroom whilst at work or school for example and take care of business.
By some miracle, last year, I found God and I was able to go 2 months straight without looking at porn or masturbation. Before the inevitable relapse which led to the continued addiction. And even during those 2 months, I would still get stuff done but it’s like I had a newer layer of background stress not having any sort of way at hand at the time for sexual release.
Does anybody have any advice at all? I know this is a weird post but I’m genuinely just being honest here. Thank you.