u/DoubleLifeBurnerAcct

...here we are.

On the good side? Energy is returning in fits and starts. I'm getting back into physical shape, but it's been a painful rebirth.

Emotions are still a roller coaster. Happy one second and weeping the next. It's like anything can trigger it.

Tapered subs down to 8mg at this point (from 24mg on days 1 and 2). Pushing for 6mg today and 4mg by Friday.

On the less good side? My marriage took a hit. There have been discussions that frequently devolve into arguments. Hurt people hurt people - so it's a cyclical angst.

I get it - trust has been destroyed. I was hiding this stupid fucking habit for so long and given so many opportunities to come clean.

In my head, I think I was getting sloppy and hoping to get caught. It was almost a relief when the jig was up. But that doesn't change the reality of things.

Going to stay busy today. I've got a life to rebuild.

Congrats to everyone who's still grinding it out and hopeful vibes for those reading this who are yet to get off the ride. You can do it. It's like jumping out of an airplane - so bring a parachute.

Probably the best breakdown / lab analysis I've seen.

The fact even somebody with an advanced degree in mass spectrometry can't tell you what's in the sauce should be galling.

To say nothing of the fact this is one of these companies who has no issue selling you "Watermelon Crush" flavored "Percs".

- Had band practice early this morning and it's the first time I've picked up a pair of sticks without this gunk in my system for two years. It was awesome. It felt like somebody had replaced a 3lb dumbbell in each hand with a drumstick. I was feeling it. Bandmates were feeling it.

- I crossed my first week at 11pm last night and while I know that's not the ball game, it's been a hell of a 1st inning. I did it.

- I didn't do it alone. I found groups, I made a couple of sober buddies and we are keeping each other in check. That's everything. This is not the sort of thing that you can do in isolation. The lone wolf thing is hard and I never succeeded that way.

- The mission is getting back into physical fighting form. I eked out two small Peloton rides this week (7 and 10mi). I used to do 30mi rides daily. But more importantly, I took my road bike in to get dialed in. Need to link up with some NYC heads to do weekend rides.

- For everyone who is just getting their first few hours or days in? Keep going. It will slowly get better if you don't stare at the dashboard waiting for it to improve. It's little things.

- Emotionally and physically? Still exhausted. We'll get over that.

- I'm really glad to have found the TIAWO group. The group meetings are good.

- Finally managed to get on my Peloton for the first time in forever. I had to dig around under the bed for the clip shoes and, ironically, there were two empty bottles of kratom capsules stuffed in them. Irony.

- The Mrs. has been holding water on her anger / frustration at my long and completely denied relapse. The dam broke this morning. I knew that was coming. I took as much as I could, but eventually had to say, "look, if you're not going to help me at least get the fuck out of my way."

- Grateful for the peeps I have met online in recovery. I feel like we're pulling each other along, checking in, reminding each other that the last time was the last time.

- Meeting with psychiatrist in an hour, first time since I jumped last Friday night. He's a good guy, but he is annoyed I kept this a secret. Fair.

- Happy Friday.

- Slept well thanks in no small part to the helper meds. Some of the low energy this morning is probably the trazodone / gabapentin / clonidine sleepy-time cocktail

- Bones still hurting. What an absolutely weird symptom. Never felt like that detoxing off of anything in my life - and I've had some doozies.

- Had a couple of incredible moments of random gratitude yesterday. It's the little things sometimes.

- They need a coffee that's stronger than coffee. I know, I know, it's called "espresso". What do you think's in my coffee?

- Need to start thinking about the nature of what keeps pulling me back into the muck, even after years of sobriety. Addiction to me is a symptom, not a root cause. Something underneath is hurting.

- Shaved my head yesterday for no other reason than it felt like a good idea at the time. Oh, and it's been oppressively hot. That, too.

I used to do SMART like crazy when I got clean in 2018.

Some of the people in recovery groups are like... "wtf is 7oh?", but that's just an opportunity to let them know.

I'm looking for some in my area - hopefully something in person, doing everything from behind a screen is kind of isolating.

- sense of smell still out of whack, but not as bad

- able to walk in little bits, actually played with the dog last night (he's been my nurse)

- walking still kinda sucks though, sudden bouts of tunnel vision, dry mouth, ringing ears

- just finally ate actual food (cheesecake, but wtf, it's food)

- thanks to gabapentin / clonidine, slept 6-7 hrs last night, dreamt of getting back on my road bike. need to do that, i used to be a freak on that thing

- urge to run to the local smoke shop comes in little pops, but i kick them back.

- fuck this shit. i've got this. coming up on the 72hr mark.

My psychiatrist and I were talking about the nature of externalizing our addiction. Like, creating an avatar of that side of ourselves so that we can be mad at it and want to defeat it.

So I named mine "Armin."

Armin is the proprietor of the smoke shop where I have easily spent tens of thousands of dollars on this crap over the past god-only-knows-how-long.

Armin doesn't care about me, but he smiles every day when I come in to get my day's worth of this crap. Smoke shops are a blight on the world - they do not sell a single thing that is good for you. Not one. Whether it's candy, lotto tickets, galaxy gas tanks, tobacco, crackpipes, or any of the grey market 'supplements' or 'research chemicals', they only sell misery and addiction.

If I was trying to go light for a day and only bought three packs, he'd try and upsell. "Only three today? Tell you what: buy one more and I'll give you one free." His stock in trade is to keep people coming back and buying more.

So I've made him the face of my addiction. I hate Armin and his stupid shop of horrors. Whenever I have a thoughts of saying 'fuck it, i can't stop' and running down there, I think of his greedy grin knowing that one of his A1 customers is handcuffed to his shitty store.

F you, Armin. Not today. Not tomorrow, either.

The big question is what's next.

My psychiatrist has the closest version of 'the truth', but he doesn't know I'm in active addiction. I've been saving up the 2mg suboxone for a while - I keep telling myself 'today is the day. I'm going to stop. I just need to tell everyone I have the flu'.

I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified.