When does it heal and get better. When do I forget it
Sorry if it’s the wrong tag. Just… it’s been a few months since things ended. While cleaning out old storage drives and one drive I came across folders of memories. Or maybe I should say nightmares.
There are days I feel like I can move on, feel like I can be normal. Then I think and think and think and spiral. Missing, remembering, the happiness I thought I had, the pain I went through for so long, the suffering. Even with pain, I miss the closeness I had, even if maybe it was fake. I miss the lies I told myself to be happy even when hurting.
I’ve turned to drinking heavily. I’ve cut it down. I use to drink 5 beers if that out of the year. Sometimes never. Then I drank and drank everyday until I numbed myself with fake joy. Going home at 4am and sleeping till 6pm just to do it all over again. I’ve regained some normalcy. Now I drink just 4 times a week maybe 3.
People tell me to be happy and can’t understand everything I’ve been through. I don’t expect them too, but I hate being told to be happy or to get over it, like I haven’t, like I enjoy the random crying, the random burst of anger and sadness. The hiding from the world.
I’ve made friends, some I find interesting. Even attractive. But when I imagine dating, I cower in fear. Afraid it’ll all happen again. How can I trust someone like that again. So I stay silent and avoid any romantic or intimacy. I find myself wanting to sleep around and have no attachment which scares me. I’ve never been like that. It takes so much of me to not fall into that abyss.
I’m just so tired of trying. I want to be loved, I want someone to heal the scars someone left on me. But that isn’t fair to someone new, but I just feel helpless. I’ve always been the one to hold the world up for others while mine dragged behind me. Cracking and breaking over each bump in the road. I just want to be the one someone cares and loves me more than I give just for once, so I can feel safe and not feel like my worth is only what I can do or give every single time.
Sorry for the rant and maybe I’ll delete it once I clear my mind. I just had to vent.