Hey everyone. I came to this sub in the hopes of venting a bit and maybe getting some real advice besides from my anxiety speaking. This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons.
For context:
I (NB29) am a non-binary person, assigned as a female at birth and mostly perceived as a woman.
My boyfriend (M26) is a cis-male that was pansexual at some point.
tl;dr He seems to be a performative male that tricked me into thinking he was bisexual. Sorry for the long post, but I believe context is important.
We've been officially together for four months. Eight months ago I started hitting on him at the office, mainly attracted to him because he said he was pansexual. Since the very beginning I was clear I am a non-binary folk and didn't fully identified as a woman and that I am neurodivergent and have bipolar disorder. He even met me for the first time in my male persona. He was, in that moment, the other only pansexual I've met in person, so, I was both curious and attracted, happy to know someone would truly understand at least that part of me. I made all the big moves, even got his friend to help me tell him that I liked him. We started dating and everything seemed to click positively. We had a lot of things in common and we had a great time together, the sex was great too (It still is). Until I reached the point where I asked him for ass stuff. He was avoidant at first, getting "tickled" when I tried to touch him there. Me, thinking he having no experience was the reason, engaged in a very mature conversation with him on what was his experience with men or gay/butt experience overall. He seemed very honest about everything and he told me he once was with a guy but he was the active, and that's all. He ended up confessing that he thinks he's actually not attracted to men at all, that he was struggling with his identity for the past three years and haven't fully realized if he didn't liked them or not but that now he thinks he's straight. That hurt me in a deep level, since, I told him, therefore he wasn't attracted to half of myself and that he realized that with me, so, I just tried to shift the conversation to ending up things right there. Neither of us was capable of breaking up, so, we decided to continue together, talk things out and try small things on both our ends.
It has been 2 months since then, we've been seeming to build trust and care for each other, and aside from that, he's been great. He cooks, he cleans, he's responsible for himself, diligent at work, loving, caring, speaks the same love languages as me and actively makes them without me asking. But here's the part where I'm left wondering. Is this all a performance? Why, you may ask yourself?
Well, he has a Discord friend group that basically are his lifetime bros and they do meet frequently in person and also has his male friends from the office that were also my peers at some point before I quit that job. At his home, in the TV-gaming studio, there's most of the time, a group of men gathered to play. I don't have a problem with it, I actually enjoy that environment and I do some gaming myself. Feeling as a man, being a non-binary folk that's feminine, can make this environments tricky. I don't fully get treated like a man even when I'm behaving fully as a man and get a lot of hidden and not-so hidden trans-phobia. I let go of those comments to avoid friction, since they are not a direct agression and could "mess up" the room vibe. I defended myself a couple times in a joke manner and ended up being awkward for everyone in the room. I am with my boyfriend because he has always openly being okay with gay community, always making supportive comments 1:1 with me since, he was a member himself (I thought), but this comments are not present in predominantly male environments. So, I decided to present myself fully as a woman and decided to tone-down my personality to fit the group. It ended in me being overloaded at some point, having to leave the room with no apparent reason to cry and have an anxiety attack alone at his room. After some good 20 minutes, my bf went checking for me and I expressed all of the reasons why I was feeling like that, making it a conversation and not an accusation. He's got as an excuse that those are his life-time friends and he can't change them, that's why he won't defend his feminist-leaning thinking in front of them, just to avoid conflict. He is a very shy person and I want to believe he thinks as he has presented to me, but, I can't help but think this could be an act that could fall down easily under pressure.
I didn't support much feminism, until I started being a victim of several males that ruined different aspects of my life lying with no apparent need or reason. As a grown biological woman, I understand more and more why a lot of women support so fiercely this movement. It's literally about staying alive and being treated with dignity. It's so sad I have to concentrate in this aspect of my life instead of living it fully. I tend to not trust and even put people on test when I consider it necessary. It's been years of men pulling off things like these to me and I'm hurt and I'm scared and I also don't have anyone in my life that is family or any close friends.
I would really appreciate to read other people's opinions on the matter, because this is not something I can tell just to anybody, hoping they would understand.
Thanks for taking the time of reading all the context that I believe is important. Have a great day (: