u/Double_Map8713

tw explicit discussion of suicidal thoughts.

I don’t know what to do.

im in high school, and I’ve had suicidal thoughts + depression for the past 6 years. nothing special. it’s weird because my life isn’t particularly worse than the next person’s, besides the fact that im constantly alone and surrounded by people who don’t understand or care about me at all (my parents arent abusive, just… neglectful, detached and misguided? idk). but fun fact!! my mother told me that she wished I were dead when I was ~10 yrs old, which is coincidentally about when my mental health began to spiral. to be clear, my depression has nothing to do with the circumstances of my life and rather is just a product of existential crisis (I don’t think I can be fixed lol)

anyway, i have no idea how im still alive, because I don’t find any enjoyment or fulfilment in living. it does NOT get better. I’ve held on to this shipwreck for SIX YEARS and it’s only gotten worse and worse.

while I do have manic periods of absolute despair from time to time, mostly I just feel empty and numb. it feels like the same pointless crap repeats over and over again and that this cycle isnt liable to change, at least until I get to college - except to get to college i have to do well in school - except I can’t do well in school because I’m always exhausted and suffering and thinking about death.

at this point, it feels like I’ve been fantasising about my suicide in such excess that my brain just has this neural highway that directs to Suicide as the response to EVERY CONFLICT. even when nothing is going on. like, just now, I was thinking about getting some cereal and my parents left the house and said “call if you need something” and my IMMEDIATE REACTION was this thought: “how would they feel finding my corpse when they come back…”
smth along those lines. whenever I feel particularly empty inside, I spend the whole day seeing death in every corner. I cross the road and imagine a truck hitting me. imagine the ground giving way beneath me. imagine being assaulted and killed for no reason. im pretty much a pacifist. except I get so violent towards myself in such a casual way that the very realisation becomes painful. (you probably inferred this but I view everything in third person and I hate nothing, except myself and living).

I don’t even have strong feelings anymore. I just feel like I’ve lived for far too long and it’s been mediocre and meaningless, and continuing my existence would just create a glut. I know viewing my own life in such apathy is probably weird, but… it’s not like anybody likes me (and for good reason, since I’ve contributed absolutely no value to the world or to any of my relationships, im distant and cold and self centred) or needs me, and it’s not like I’ve ever created anything meaningful, artistically and intellectually speaking.

I really planned to die the day before yesterday but ended up being too tired to even move or carry out that plan. so I’ve been thinking, this is pretty much my second life after escaping death, so why do I regret surviving? why do I still feel so numb?

this is pretty much me attention-seeking because I had this desperate wish that someone would pity me for once (honestly, I think my brain created this whole mental illness just to seek pity, since my brothers grew up the same and they turned out great). I used to fantasise about telling all this to someone and having them actually give a fuck and be angry for the little kid who had to deal with this alone, but real life isnt a movie. in reality, every single person I’ve ever told just held the view that i was annoying and dramatic and stupid for ‘being moody’ all the time, because apparently children are incapable of having feelings worth any acknowledgement or understanding. and now im almost an adult and it’s still the same damn loneliness every day. it got worse because i moved schools and ended up completely isolated. so despite being surrounded by people i could become selectively mute and nobody would notice for… I don’t know, forever.

not only am I incapable of creating anything I consider great (and creating is really important to me, im pretty much only alive because I read and write and draw and crochet etc etc etc), but im such a worthless person considering my personality… like, im not kind, im not cheerful or generous or respectful or intelligent or caring… so obviously I can’t expect/ask anyone who is all those things to form any sort of relationship with me. which means I’ll continue to be alone until I get rid of this crippling depression and become someone who actually deserves to be loved and to love in turn (which is never happening, as we all know).

so even if I don’t kill myself today or tomorrow or whatever (scoffing at this rn, like, says someone whos been failing to do so for SIX YEARS), I still won’t get to be happy in the future. plus, why do I even bother living just to experience a world this fucked up….?

the consensus is I should die, but I know I won’t do it (unless I do), which means I have to keep existing but that SUCKS because it’s so… tiring and tedious to wake up and go to school and pretend im an actual human being and not just a prisoner in this body.

aaand look at that, I’ve wasted even more time moping instead of studying. This state of living is so pathetic, I really don’t know why I bother.

yeah, I’ll stop complaining like a little bitch now. no idea why youre still reading this, thank you. have a nice day…