I'm a 33(M) dating a 32(F). We knew each other a while back, fell out of contact and met up by chance. Eventually we started dating. It's my first relationship, and it's at least her 4th, so I'm not super sure if this is the norm and/or if I'm being petty and insensitive.
For context, we've been dating for 4 months now. I own a small business, and typically earn about 4~6k a month, on average for now. She works in the government sector, but I'm not too sure how much she earns but I'm guessing it's around 3k~4k+.
Personally, I have been feeling burnt out about a couple of things, emotionally, physically and financially.
One of those things is that she seems to have a need for a high frequency for meet ups. We would, on average, have dates that last for 10~12 hours, starting from noon to around midnight, with a minimum of once a week, but typically twice a week. Which is somewhat exhausting after a bit, and also leaves me with little time and energy to do my own stuff/ hobbies.
Another thing is the constant need for assurance. She said this is due to the traumas she has felt, which led to her needing more security and assurance, where if I mention not meeting for a week due to work commitments, she would start tearing up, but making an effort to stop herself from crying, which has me feeling nervous about what I say or do around her.
This part I'm a tad unsure of, but I have been paying for pretty much all of our meals. To be fair, she has tried to contribute on non-food matters, and has paid for maybe 4-ish of our activities, but the difference in the terms of value is pretty significant, considering the frequency of our meet ups. I don't super mind financially, the fact that she wants to go to restaurants + cafes all the time, has me feeling a little "used" and feeling a tad like she's not thinking of my well being at all.
When I asked my family and friends who are in relationships/ married if this is normal, they have all stated that this is very abnormal and feels very one sided. The intensity as well as the contribution on my end I mean.
I have talked to her about it, while she says that she will try to change and split the bills more evenly and reduce the number of dates as well as duration, she did try to justify it by saying that she feels the frequency for our meet ups as well as the guy footing the bill is normal, as least according to her friends, the internet and social media. She has also said that in her "serious" past relationships, the guy paying signals that the guy is serious about the relationship. And she does acknowledge that the relationship does feel one sided, but said that she doesn't know what she can give me. And she says that she apologises for not being able to give me a "normal" relationship, and says that her need for assurance is due to her past traumas.
I've tried my best to try to be fair to both of us in this post, but I really need to know if what we have is normal. And realistically, is any meaningful change actually possible?
Also if possible, do include your age if you don't mind. I get that her needs resonate with some of you, but my female friend has told me that what she's looking for seems more common for 20+ year olds rather than adults in their 30s.
Edit: To add in a couple of more details, she doesn't offer to pay for food at all. She has mentioned that it's a big deal for her that the man pays for the meals. I don't super mind financially, the fact that she wants to go to restaurants + cafes all the time, has me feeling a little "used" and feeling a tad like she's not thinking of my well being at all.
She seems to not have close friends, and her relationship with her family seems pretty bad. Which I think contributes to the emotional dependency.
Edit 2: "You will be spending 7 days with someone if you get married". - Yes I agree, but that's with your own space and activities (i.e. maybe in the living room, someone watching dramas while the other is on their phone/PC) instead of "constantly paying attention to each other throughout the day for 7 days a week". Unless I'm mistaken and it's normal for married couples to constantly be paying attention to each other.