I need to express my pain
I’m turning 24 this August. For a while I assumed things would take their course as I navigated through them. Degree, relationships, friendships, career. After getting into university at 19 years old I kind of lost my ability to be a proper student. I didn’t have the discipline to follow through with any lectures and barely passed my labs.
Then, some months after getting into uni I met my ex, we both had our issues, the relationship went on for another 4.5 years. Problem is I was not a very good bf much of the time. I would lie to avoid conflict, I would become avoidant when receiving love from him, often times I would ask people who the hot boyfriend is to know if I could do better out of fear of being inadequate. I would check his dms when he wasn’t looking, I would oftentimes do things he had asked me not to do. I messed up a lot with him. He had his own flaws and much of the time he broke up with me just to make up again a couple of weeks later. A week ago was the last time. I exhausted him. I messed up and while he put his best foot forward I lowkey took him for granted. I didn’t mean to… but that doesn’t make this any better.
I failed at uni, 4 years in a row I failed every class other than the first 3 because I stopped trying.
I am jobless, the one work I tried to start I was kicked from because I was apparently too lazy. Checks out…
Last year I started therapy but it didn’t amount to anything. Maybe I should try a new therapist.
I paid for a full year’s gym subscription and lost my willingness to attend it. That was 700€ down the drain.
And then oftentimes people would have conversations about how my behavior is not ok. And it was not. I am not here in search of empathy but in search of wisdom. Can I move forward and become a better person or am I doomed to stay the same? What does improving look like?
Mostly I do this because I am a very hopelessly romantic person. I crave a proper relationship. Unfortunately that means that I might end up hurting another beautiful soul that doesn’t deserve it. I could theoretically become celibate on my own but I know that it would destroy me. Instead I come asking for advice.
Has anyone else here been in the gutter? Wasted years of their life doing nothing, ruined perfectly good and kind people because they were terrible at being their partner? I am scared of what the future means for me. I don’t want to end up alone and bitter or hurting another person…