Long story short. I have a feeling I may run into the person I'm in no contact with after less than 2 weeks that is seeing someone else (as of last time we spoke). Not only that, but I have a feeling that even if I try to do what all the other advice says to do in these situations such as being polite and brief with an easy exit to the conversation, she's going to see right through that and try to pick up where our last conversation left off.
Key facts before I give a history:
-She and I never dated, but interest was at one point mutual.
-I know what limerence is, I feel this was not the case.
-The no contact was mutually agreed upon, with undefined conditions or length of time.
Long story long.
I met her at a speed dating event. We really hit it off at the event. When her friend at the event left, I walked her to her car and paid her parking ticket. From that point, we were talking daily and hanging out once a week or so. I haven't dated in over 10 years (I'm 33) and the last relationship I had, the only one in my adult life, was long distance via eHarmony. My point here is that this is all new to me, so I felt like things were going great for a while.
I was trying desperately to reconnect with her when things were feeling a little stagnant. She was sick and talking to me noticeably less, but still daily. We hadn't made a plan because she was sick, but eventually found time to do a rock climbing gym with her best friend. She'd told me about him, they used to work together a while back, and apparently the guy's now ex-wife who also worked there spread rumors indiscriminately to spite him. One of the rumors was that she randomly singled out the girl as someone he was "having inappropriate relations with a subordinate at work". All baseless, so both of them kinda found common ground in dealing with the fact that everyone was on the ex wife's side.
I've had jealous moments in the past, both in my long distance relationship and with a girl I thought I was dating who didn't feel that way. And I normally wouldn't have felt that way about her best friend, but it felt like she invited him to another event that I asked her to for some one on one time (event hasn't happened yet) without asking me if that was cool, plus the way they vibed at the rock climbing gym, his recent finalizing of the divorce, and the decrease in her messaging, I thought maybe she and him grew closer and started seeing each other.
A few days later, she said something along the lines of "we need to get you a partner" for a different event I planned to invite her to, which signaled to me she I wasn't the one. So I asked if she was seeing her best friend. To which she replied she is seeing someone, but not him. My brief reply must have prompted her to ask if I had feelings for her and if that's why I asked. I said I did, but understood.
The thing about her is that she really, REALLY likes to get to the core of an issue. Admittedly, there were some things I did or lack thereof that would have made her feel like I wasn't interested or that we settled into a friendship. We talked at length about why I did what I did, how each other felt when those things happened, and that we were sorry it turned out like this. We both did say that we'd want to be friends, but knowing it would be hard for me so soon to do the first event she had invited the best friend to, we talked a bit about how I'd handle myself.
I wanted to be firm, and I was feeling bitter and envious, so my word choice could have been better about how I'd set up boundaries until the feelings subside. Somehow in this process, she told the guy she's seeing about the upcoming event and he made her feel like an asshole for not inviting him, but understandably, nobody has the right to deny anyone a public event. She did try to be diplomatic about it, offering to stick her guy with the best friend while she and I talked and hung out. Like even trying to say she could try to avoid them if I wasn't comfortable. I told her the event venue was so small, that it'd be pretty much impossible to avoid bumping into them.
Sure, they'd all be cool and chill, but all of that going through my head when it's my first time seeing her since finding out she's seeing the guy who's also there would torture me. Like imagine feeling like you're the problem in the present company with no friends of your own in the situation as a buffer. It feels like they're pitying me, which is a hard feeling to shake.
So I ultimately told her because of that and my work schedule, I'd bow out of the free event. This really upset her and she argued with me trying to make that work because she really wanted to hang out with me. It hurts like hell because she very quickly became my best friend and a source of consistency in my life. But when I said I need to "decompress" a bit before an event like that, it was to hint for her to decide what she wants so I'm not the one to suggest no contact. So she suggested space and that it might be for the best.
I did offer that if she needed anything to reach out. She shot back with how I said during my talk about boundaries that I said I didn't want to be a "leaning post" because she already chose a guy for that. I clarified that in this case, I meant on the off chance that she has an emergency that all bets are off and I won't hesitate to help. Because I care. And she said hopefully she doesn't have an emergency, but that if she thought it was one I'd be best for, she'd reach out. I said "Deal." And we've been in no contact for about a week now.
Back to the present. There's a volunteer cleanup group she introduced me to. I hadn't gone to a single one with her due to schedules, but I've gone to a few on my own and very much enjoy it. So I want to volunteer, but worried I might accidentally end up at one she's at, potentially with her guy. I plan to ignore unless she approaches me. And as I said before, I don't have confidence that she won't try to talk to me one on one and be super direct about any of the above. Small talk could get cut through immediately and I'm worried my toxic bitter side will say something that burns a bridge for anything good to come after.
I still have strong feelings for her. I'm not so deep in limerence or fantasy that I can't see flaws. I blame myself a lot for not being more clear with my intentions, but it's also out in the air too little too late and I didn't exactly get clear signals from her either. I also don't expect her to leave the guy just because she knows I like her, she's made it clear that cheating disgusts her. It's gonna take me much longer than 9 days to get over her if she's at this event. I also get the feeling she may break no contact via text to either see if I changed my mind about the event I bowed out of, or to tell me how it was after (would be 2 weeks of no contact by then).
So I need some advice if she tries cutting straight to the point.