Should I feel bad for always being irritable and being mean around my family
I have a question. Can you as someone with BPD after experiencing emotional and verbal abuse from your family. To what point do you start blaming yourself for being so reactive towards your family that still continues to emotional and verbally abuses you.
What I mean is should i feel bad that I am short tempered with my mom and dad. When I am around friends and people I am comfortable around I am not this version of myself. I am happy and just relaxed. But around my family I am angry easily irritable. I don’t like that I’m this but I’m so tired from having to be quiet to avoid fights and also being blamed for defending myself when I am yelled at or when my father criticises me or makes a rude comment.
And my biggest fear is being labeled as abusive. My mom had said in fights she feels I abuse her but when I ask her afterwards she says no she didn’t mean it she was just angry. Which is ironic because my dad is quite abusive.
And it’s confusing because she knows I care about how I make people feel and I don’t like being mean to people so it’s like am i being manipulated or am just straight up abusive.
Now I don’t want to be abusive even if it’s people who make my life hell. But I am also struggling because I am so angry and resentful and somewhat don’t care anymore. I know that’s vvvv toxic and wrong. And i used to feel bad about it.
I still live with my parents, cause of financial issues (otherwise I would have moved out). Also totally open to being corrected