u/Downtown-Stay6320

Typing this so I don't go looking for the vape pen I know is in the house. I have been on an amazing self-improvement journey for almost a year. I lost 100 pounds, I have become more zen, and I really love where my life is heading. I noticed I hadn't smoked for a few days, and I brashly said, "Well, I guess I don't need it," and threw my pen in a drawer, never to be seen again (or at least the next holiday). But today (day 4), I was a little stressed making a big meal for Sunday family time, and I could just feel the anxiety I've struggled with my whole life return with an intensity I forgot I used to feel regularly. That was hours ago, and I still feel my heartbeat. It honestly scares me as it feels like I have made a mistake. Like when a person stops taking their prescription medications because "they feel better now,". I keep remembering the first time I smoked, I said "this is what normal feels like," and it's been a friend ever since. But I was also really looking forward to not smoking anymore. Saving money, not having baggy eyes, maybe getting a cushy government job. Things like that are why I did it to begin with. Plus, I made a promise to myself, and I know the direct correlation between keeping your promises to yourself and self-esteem. I really want to take a hit because I know I'll calm down. I've spent all day on Reddit to cope, which is how I found you guys. any advice. Should I just promise to be done by a certain date and forgive a few puffs until I get there, or am I just looking for an excuse? Thanks in advance. I feel better just typing this up, but I also still feel crazy and keep subconsciously reaching for my vape.