Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on this.
My partner and I have been in a loving, generally very positive relationship for almost two years. She was previously married, and we’re both working through our respective past relationship experiences. I really believe she’s my person and she’s perfect in every single way.
There’s one recurring point of discomfort for me that I’m trying to better understand. My partner maintains a friendly relationship with her ex, which I’ve been trying to be open-minded about, but I sometimes struggle with it.
In conversations with friends (and generally when exes come up), she consistently speaks about her ex in a very positive way. Even when describing why the relationship ended, she emphasizes that her ex is a good person and that they loved each other, even if things didn’t work out.
To be clear, I’m not expecting her to speak negatively about her ex. What I struggle with is that she seems to go out of her way to always frame her ex in a positive light, even in neutral contexts where it doesn’t naturally need to be brought up.
When I’ve brought up my discomfort around this, she does understand where I’m coming from but…At the same time, she feels it’s important for her to portray her ex in a holistic and fair way when speaking about her to others, rather than reducing her to the breakup or the more difficult parts of the relationship. This can still leave me feeling unsettled, even though I understand her intention.
For context, they were together for around 12 years, so I recognize there is a significant history there. I also know I’m doing internal work around not comparing or getting stuck in the depth of that past attachment versus our relationship now.
It’s also worth noting that their relationship had some volatility. There were multiple breakups (her ex ending it multiple times) and patterns of hurtful behaviour including name-calling and a lack of accountability or apology, controlling behaviour and blown huge arguments were regular with them. My partner tends to frame this as not being intentional harm, and still holds a generally compassionate view of her ex despite that history.
We’ve also agreed to try couples therapy, especially for me to try and understand how I can navigate this…
I’m trying to figure out whether this is something I should be working on internally (jealousy/insecurity), or if it’s reasonable to feel unsettled by it.. or both lol.
Has anyone experienced a partner who consistently protects an ex’s image like this, even after a difficult relationship? How did you navigate it, and did it end up being more about your own insecurity or an actual relationship boundary issue?
Edit : Her wanting a close relationship with her ex in the first place has been difficult for me.. if that provides any more context. I’ve been trying to be more open minded about it since it’s important to her, but still something we are navigating.