u/DragonflyFederal7360

ok so there is this cute boy at my church who i want to talk to i remember 2 years ago i was walking home from school with him because he took the same route i did with him and he expressed interest in transitioning but i think he gave up and is just dressing in a more feminine way now anyways we haven't talked since he syatyrf taking the bus home and im not sure he remembers me i really like his personality and i want to talk to him but im afraid ill get friend zoned or that he wont like also btw everyone at my church thinks im straight and im sure they would accept me if i told them but i dont want them to know for a while what should i do

not sure if the is the right place for this but i need to get this off my chest and tell someone and i know i should ask about therapy but if i do they will tell my mom everything and she already struggles so much and i dont want to put that on her and i dont want her to treat me any differently because im messed up in the head but here it goes i guess.

i hate myself for many reasons and i dont where to start so ill start here] im a male Christian, but i like men and i hate myself for it because i know its wrong and i feel like i let everyone down all the time and im lazy and i feel like i suck at everything i do and i let everyone down i let down my soccer team and my family more times than i count and im a horrible friend all i do is complain and im selfish and i dont feel like im there for him when he needs but hes been there for me whenever i was in my deepest lows and he is selfless and he is able to tell when im feeling down or off bur im just a bad friend and i have trust issues and im worried that hell leave me for his other friends and leave me alone with no friends and the worst part is im afraid to tell anyone my problems bevause im worried that they will leave me and i want to kill myself but and i hate that i do because i have it so good i have an amazing friend group i have an amazing life the best friends i could ask for i never feel hungry my mother loves me but i still want to die and i feel like its selfish because the are so many people that would love to live the life i live and i struggle to find who i am or what my purpose in life is and i know im too young to worry anout it but i wonder if anyone will ever love me and i dont do anything right and i lie to myself that im doing as good as i can and i hat that it affects my friendships and relationship with my family and all i do is let myself sink deeper into my sadness and i dont try to get out i just keep letting all my regrets pile up and all i want to do is cry sometimes but i cant ever seem to be able to

im sorry if this was a rant or hard to read i just needed to get it out and tell someone