u/DragonfruitRare4953

Last night my pwBPD and I got into a fight, as usual, and towards the end she randomly decided to start meditating, so I left her alone. I sent her a message saying I’d be in the other room ready to talk whenever and to wake me up if she wished to continue the conversation. When I was on the brink of falling asleep, she came in and emptied a jar of grapes on my face and all over the bed and then walked out. This was the last straw for me so I started packing my things silently. When I went to go grab my phone, wallet and keys, they were gone from where they always are. I told her to give them back to me three time and she just looked at me with a vile smug smile on her face, as if she enjoyed keeping me a prisoner. When I then started to unpack the closet and pack my bags, she turned the light off so I couldn’t see and kept turning it off when I’d turn it back on. She was preventing me from leaving. Then it got even worse. She slapped me in the face and because of the traumatizing nature of this situation I unfortunately don’t exactly remember how that happened or what happened after that. But I feel like a prisoner with this insane woman.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. I just need to be heard.

No amount of effort, love, attention, or care will ever be enough for a person with BPD. You will give them your heart and soul, you will do more for them than you have done for anyone else in your life, and you will still be told that you’ve done nothing. Not just “not enough”, nothing. You will be told that you never cared even though you bent over backwards every day to try to keep them happy and avoid an onslaught. You will be told that it was all a lie, all in illusion, and that you are a cold, narcissistic sadist who abused them every single day. Your needs will be completely non-existent and any effort towards taking care of yourself will be framed as reflections of your self-centredness, selfishness and lack of care. You will be made to believe that every single thing they said and did — all the times they called you a retard, called you pathetic, selfish, uncaring, disgusting, worthless, a disgrace — were all caused by your own doing and behaviour, that they only react this way because of the unbearable abuse you put them through.

Then, one day, you will be told “you don’t exist.” And at a single finger snap, you will be extinguished from their memory like a candle blown in the wind. Your endless effort, time, love, devotion and care gone in a flash.

The sense of loneliness that comes in a relationship with a person with BPD can only be understood by those who have experienced it. Day after day you carry an increasing unbearable burden. It manifests as brain fog, procrastination, anhedonia, irritability, and eventually a loss of a desire to live at all. You will develop violent thoughts of the sort you never had before meeting them because they will put you down so much and twist reality to such an extent that you feel like you are in a nightmare. A game. An illusion. You will question how this can even be real. You will look at them tell you their version of the story and behold their conviction and stand bewildered, clueless as to how they can possibly believe, genuinely believe, that everything was your fault, that you never did anything for them, and that you never cared. And it will drive you insane to know that you cared more than they can ever imagine, but they think you. never. cared.

You may be hit with accusations of wishing they would die, cheating, lying, all while they twist reality and make you question your sanity. You feel will like you are trying to walk under water, like you are completely alone in a hole they have dug and buried you in. And you will eventually, slowly start to unconsciously believe in some of the things they say. Even if on the gross level you don’t think that you’re selfish, under the surface, doubts will slowly creep in.

You will not recognize yourself. You will see yourself in the mirror and think you are ugly. You will see sunken eyes and large bags. All of this while you are trying your heart out to keep them happy and avoid further torture.

Torture. If you’ve been with someone with BPD, I’m sure you can relate to this word. When they’re screaming at you at the top of their lungs, when they are insulting you for hours on end, when they cry because your unfathomable levels of selfishness… torture.

You do not exist for the person with BPD. You only exist to serve their needs. You are nothing more than an extension of their needs. And when those needs aren’t met, which they never will, you will be beaten down into submission.

Trauma, loneliness, angst, despair, fatigue, resentment, and desperation. These are what you are left with as the fruit of the 24/7 job you entertained and failed so horribly at. A messed up game you were sucked into in which you lost right from the very beginning.

And one of the worst parts of it all is that they will never see it. They will never, ever understand what they’ve put you through. They will be stuck believing you abused them. This is why you will be lonely. Unfathomably lonely.