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AITA for cutting my now ex Mother in Law and Father of my child until he gets help for his anger and substance misuse?
Me (F34) and my now ex partner (M35) welcomed a beautiful baby girl 6 months ago.
Pre-pregnancy I had what I thought was a really good relationship with my MIL. I have 2 older Sons from a previous relationship. The youngest has ASD and can be a handful but as my ex had been part of his life since he was 3 months old they both took him on as their own. She educated herself on ASD and would and would frequently babysit so that me and ex could have a bit of time to ourselves. He called her Nana and absolutely adored her.
Fast forward to me finding out me and ex were expecting our first together. The pregnancy was extremely difficult. I suffered really badly with hyperemesis and for the first 27 weeks was vomiting up to 20 times per day. We were also in and out of hospital as their were concerns over the size of our babies head (she was in the 3rd percentile). This caused a lot of stress and obviously I was exhausted and struggling to cope with my older two children. My ex was struggling too but his coping mechanisms included drinking, week long stag do's, smoking grass and getting angry at me when I expressed I needed him to help more. Shouting, swearing, calling me names and then leaving for days on end. There was no offer of support from MIL at this time other than to send scaremongering articles on the worst case scenarios of microcephaly and her offering ridiculous solutions to her Son not having any space in my home when the baby arrived (Building a shed in the garden, running electricity to it and having my 11 year old son live out there).
As my pregnancy progressed the fears around microcephaly were proven to be false and we found out that we were expecting a baby girl. The sickness subsided with medication and I started to actually appear pregnant. MIL started putting the pressure on ex for us to visit more. So we did.
Full disclosure, I have sensory issues myself. I do not like being touched by people that I am not romantically involved in. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.
MIL kept asking to touch my belly. I declined as I don't like it and in all honesty, she wouldn't have felt anything anyway as the placenta was on the front and even i didn't feel the kicks sometimes. Ex had trouble feeling them unless he put his hand right down to my public bone which I didn't want his mother doing. She was very upset about this.
Then the comments on my weight started. Telling me I needed to move from the table as I was 'too fat' and she couldn't get past. That I would need to get a crane to hoist me into our van. That it looked like i would be joining her on her diet after the baby was born as I was starting to look like a whale. There were others but those are the ones that stuck in my head. I've always struggled with my weight so these comments hit hard. That combined with the decline of my relationship with ex and his complete lack of interest in me during the entire pregnancy, affected me quite badly. I became really self conscious and stopped going out as I felt awful about my body.
I brought this up with my ex and was told "that's just how she is. She won't have meant it that way. You're being too sensitive". Meanwhile, his behaviour had become worse and I was made aware that he had being using harder substances than just grass. He was out most weekends drinking and smoking with friends while my health was quickly declining. My blood pressure became dangerously high and I was put on medication that made me so tired it was hard to function and I was really struggling to look after myself and my older two children. I begged my ex for help but was told I was being controlling and dramatic and that my children weren't his responsibility.
Eventually I was booked in for induction. The induction was slow but the birth was quick! 26 minutes from start to finish. I barely made it into the birthing suite and had absolutely no time for medication. It was probably the most painful thing I've ever experience. But she was here. She was safe and she was perfect.
We were discharged from the hospital late that evening. I live an hours drive from the hospital and my Dad lives en route. So we stopped at his house so I could change my sanitary towel, take some medication and spend half an hour introducing our daughter to my Dad. It was not a long visit by any means.
The following day my ex said his Mum and Brother wanted to come visit the baby. No problem. But I made it clear I wasn't up for long visits and that I was trying to breastfeed so needed my privacy at those times. There were 2 rules.
No kissing the baby.
When the baby cried give her back.
That's it. The same rules that applied to my Dad but didn't even need saying.
She broke both rules. Even going so far as to walk away into the kitchen with her while she was crying to be fed and ignoring me asking her to hand her back. She also brought food with her for everyone and expected us all to have a sit down meal but then complained about space. She even criticised me for not having any kitchen paper. While I was holding our daughter, MIL was sat almost on top of me hovering and trying to kiss the top of babies head. Which when I told her it made me uncomfortable, she responded with "we're both women, you shouldn't care". Eventually, after 3 hours i had to pull my ex aside and say that I was exhausted and could they please leave. He wasn't very happy but they did leave. I was very kindly left the washing up from the meal she brought.
The weeks went by. We tried to settle into the new normal of having a newborn, little to no sleep and jugging two older children, one with additional needs. But the evenings were constantly interrupted with calls from her with 'really important' things. Which my ex felt he needed to answer and would do so even if he was in charge of our daughter and she was crying. I received no messages to check in, no requests to see us, nothing. Meanwhile, my ex had gone back to going out drinking, smoking and back to his evening hobbies and working late. Leaving me to juggle a newborn, breastfeeding, the household, two older children and while actively bleeding and cramping. Which i did. But when he turned up visibly high for the 4th time and unable to care for our daughter I told him to leave. This resulted in him screaming and shouting at me that I was a stupid c*nt, a d-head and an f'ing twat. Throwing a bowl across the room and then, when he did leave, he slammed the door so hard that the handle broke. This was also all in front of my youngest Son (4) and whilst i was holding our daughter.
I was at a loss as to what to do at this point. So reached out to his Mum to see if she would maybe speak to him about the way he was behaving and opening up about how I was really struggling to cope and was feeling extremely overwhelmed. That I hadn't even washed my hair since our daughter was born.
Her response? Was to tell me that he's just adjusting to being a new parent, that he needs time to himself and that I should shave my hair if it was becoming a problem.
So I called the health visitor and told her what had been going on. She advised me to change my locks, report the incident to the police and not to have him back until he had agreed to engage with the Drug and Alcohol service and some form of anger management. I spoke to him and he acknowledged he needed help and agreed to do those things. I let him back. Silly me.
Things did not get better. If anything they got worse. I made plans to meet my brother and sister with our daughter for the first time as they pretty far away. Suddenly his Mum needed to see her. When I said I already had plans that my ex was very aware of, he tried to pressure me to fit her into them. I stood my ground. He screamed and shouted again.
He continued to turn up high. He continued to go out drinking and not come back at night. He wouldn't help when I needed help with shopping. I wasn't able to shower. I was doing all the night feeds and changes. I got up on the weekend with all the children while he slept in. He wasn't helping with cooking. The little time he did spend with us he was irritable or hungover and would frequently shout at me if I even asked for help or expressed that I was tired and overwhelmed. He would make plans to go see his family without talking to me and if I said I was too tired or couldn't because of other commitments I already had (School meetings, vaccinations, hospital appointments, health visitor appointments, my eldest sons football matches) he would tell me i was controlling and keeping our daughter from his family. But when we did go to visit his Mum or his family she made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Would comment on what our daughter was wearing. Telling me to "do better" if she was in a sleepsuit. Snapped at my 4 year old because he was trying to get his attention. Would invite lots of other people to meet the baby at the same time and take charge of who could hold her. I was breastfeeding and everyone was having lunch. Not one person asked me if I wanted anything and I was left sat there hungry. I asked her to take a photo of me and my daughter as my ex hadn't taken any since the hospital and she was at that point over a month old and she responded "but you don't like having your photo taken and I'm more important" and then tried to brush it off as a joke. She continued to make comments about my weight by saying I hadn't bounced back this time and laughing. My Son has speech difficulties and she mocked him by pretending that she didn't know what he was saying and laughing at him in front of her entire family. She would constantly put pressure on me to stop breastfeeding so that my ex could bond with our daughter as I was "hogging" her. Decided that she was going to be looking after our daughter once a month without even discussing it with me. When we were given presents from her side of the family she wouldn't give me a chance to thank them and had them delivered to her so we had to go get them off of her. When my ex was throwing tantrums and screaming at me she sent me an article on 'how to deal with an angry partner' and told me that he needed support.
So I stopped going round. I stopped responding to her messages and I got on with my life. I politely declined her offers to take my son for the night. When she brought up breastfeeding I politely asked her to stop as it made me feel pressured and uncomfortable. When I asked my ex to leave and she tried to intervene and convince me to let him back I explained my reasons and set boundaries around discussing it.
This caused a lot of tension between me and my ex. He defended her behaviour as her having good intentions and just being an excited Grandma and got angry when I said that it didn't change how she had made me feel.
Eventually I wrote a message explaining that her behaviour had deeply upset me. This went down like a lead balloon. She complained to my ex about me and made herself out to be a victim and he then started trying to pressure and guilt me into seeing her so she could see our daughter.
We had booked a family meal out. I suggested she join us. That way, it's neutral, she got to see our daughter and any comments/bad behaviour would be witnessed. She declined. I was curious as to what she actually said so read the messages between her and my partner. I was horrified to say the least at what I saw. She had been messaging him saying that I was the reason he was having issues around his anger. That although she was aware that he was abusive towards me that it wasn't that bad because he wasn't directly abusive towards the children. That he needs to collect evidence against me for court and that I was a difficult one to help and needed the intervention of professional help.
I spoke to my ex and asked if he agreed with her and if that's what he wanted to do. He assured me he didn't and it wasn't. What he had responded back to that supported what he said so I left it. We went out for the meal and had what I thought was a lovely day. We stopped in at my friends house and the kids all had a great time.
Then we got home. I put the boys to bed and sat down to feed our daughter and get her settled. It was 1am by the time she went to sleep so I told him I was exhausted and was going up to bed. He then decided to search the kitchen cupboard for WD40 to spray the hamster wheel. I told him to stop and sort it in the morning. That WD40 was harm the hamster and I just really needed to go to sleep. He carried on. So I firmly told him to stop. That was it. He started screaming and shouting all the names under the sun at me. I was a stupid c*nt, a controlling twat, a f'ing ahole. All while he was holding out daughter. I walked away to brush my teeth but when I came back down to get a drink he screamed at me tk just f off and started insulting me again. That either I f off out the house and go somewhere else or he would. So I said ok. He put our daughter on our bed and left.
It's been a month now and I have stopped him coming to the house. I have only agreed to video calls until he gets help with his substance use and anger. I've sought advice from a solicitor and from the health visitor and been told that I am not to let him have access to our daughter until he has provided evidence of engaging with services and change in behaviour.
Obviously I have since been receiving pressuring messages to let him see our daughter, to not let whats happening with him affect his Mums relstionship with our daughter. I have been the subject of gossip and become the villain because I refuse to back down this time. I've had enough. Messages calling me cruel and saying I'm getting kicks out of separating him and his family from our daughter come thick and fast. It's daily. And now I'm sat in my living room, grieving the relationship that I thought we would have, grieving the family i thought we would have and feeling awful about myself.
So, AITA for cutting off my ex MIL and my daughters Dad until he seeks help for his anger and substance issues?