u/Dragulus24

So…despair for life. Wanting to end it all. There’s not really a biblical fix is there? Because I can read verses like “fearfully and wonderfully made” and how “all things work together for good”, but let’s be real. It’s not helping. Therapy won’t happen for several reasons. I’m on medication but it’s not working (that I know of). Over the last couple years, particularly after I lost my job and haven’t been able to get employed since, my suicidal ideation has increased exponentially and drastically. Every day I want to die, just so I don’t have to go through it all again tomorrow. But i know I’m a weak coward who doesn’t know what suffering is, and that suicide is a sin, but it doesn’t make it go away. I’ve prayed off and on for relief or at least an explanation on why I have this ideation (if it was a physical problem with my brain), but no answer. Not able to get tested to even find out. How can God help me? Would He even bother? Or am I on my own? I have no will to live and only do so out of obligation.

It's no secret that I struggle with things like trust and letting go, along with the love of God. When someone says to me "Just give it to God", that doesn't help me. Because I still have whatever I'm supposed to give up. God doesn't *remove* whatever it is and physically take it. Like, my fear of failure and inadequacy. Just because I say "Here Lord. Take this burden" doesn't mean He takes it away from me. So, in that sense, I'm not giving anything up. Because it's still there. I've essentially in a way gone prodigal because failure is unavoidable and a failing servant is worse than not having a servant at all, to Him. "A just man falls seven times and gets up again" but he still has to pay the price of those seven falls. So, in my eyes, one failure leading into exile is fitting. Basically, I don't have years to wait for Him to "fix" me. I need this fixed NOW. Everyone seems to have this one moment where everything falls into place and God just "clicks" for them. I have had no such moment.