Does anyone else find it difficult to separate envy from desire?
I (55m) have always assumed I was gay at birth but have observed through my life that a major component of my attraction to other men is envy. I've had self esteem issues as long as I can remember, so maybe this convergence of envy and attraction is just an unfortunate by-product. I've occasionally wondered if I might've developed a more bisexual orientation if I'd felt more secure as a man, because I have had a few crushes on women, but the idea of "performing" as a man in a straight relationship is highly anxiety-provoking. (Fwiw, my limited hetero experiences have felt forced and mechanical compared to sex with guys.)
I guess I'm wondering if secure gay guys ever conflate envy and attraction, or if this is just a manifestation of my self esteem issues. I'd love to hear of any others' experience (or not) with this.
TL;DR: I have low self esteem and have confused envy and desire my whole life. Do secure gay men ever feel this way?