I finally understand my family system is enmeshed, and now literally everything feels like it's spiraling all at once
*This is a throwaway because I had too much personal info on my main account*
*Also, yes I am seeing a therapist I just need to vent to others that have been in similar family drama*
I'm married now with a 10 month old daughter and pregnant with my second, which becoming a parent has really opened my eyes to how my parents were. We're also about to move to another state soon, which i think could play into this whole drama. Anyways, before I get to the actual story drama, I'll give some background and i need to just talk about it too
How the enmeshment shows up with my parents
My mom is usually mainly loving and warm but can also be volatile, vindictive, not very self aware, and has a hard time with boundaries or receiving any kind of feedback without getting defensive.
Growing up I was basically her emotional support. She would cry and unload on me, and I would comfort her so i had to manage her feelings. She read my diary, my stories I'd written on my computer so basically no provacy or respect, used location tracking on me, and would give me the silent treatment when she was really upset. If i tried to talk to her about something I'm feeling bad about with her or the family, or if i told her i wanted to move out because i wanted my own space and more peace she'd make it about herself and how she's a horrible mother and ask what she did, to where I then had to comfort her when it was never about her to begin with.
My dad loves us a lot and shows it by providing and buying things, but he also has anger issues, yells, and uses emotional withdrawal as punishment. Like he would get cold, stop calling me by my nickname, say things like I'm a stranger sarcastically when i wouldnt have gone to visit them for a little bit (like 2 or 3 weeks, and this was as an adult living with my then boyfriend, now husband). It always passed eventually but as a kid that felt devastating.
I never cried in front of my family growing up, they actually all think I dont really cry and am not emotional. I am super emotional and cry a lot, just that because I had to manage everyone elses emotions, I guess I learned to not cry in front of them.
At 23, when I went on my first overseas trip with my boyfriend (now husband) they told me to keep my phone tracker on (they'd been tracking since I was in college or high school) and to call them every day. I FaceTimed mom as soon as we got the rental car, and then proceeded to call and text them pictures and text every single day of the trip so they wouldnt worry. One night we had a night tour to see sea turtle eggs, so had to have phones on silent and be quiet. I had already texted and sent pictures that day, don't remember if I had called yet or not. Mom called me while I was on the tour and since i didn't answer, kept calling multiple times and then had dad call multiple times. When I finally called them back, that same day, when we were back at the airbnb, my dad starts yelling saying that it looked like I was in the water and how worried my mom was and to answer next time. He made me feel so bad I started crying, for something so damn stupid that they should've been able to manage themselves
The rules in our house were inconsistent and depended on whoever's mood was running the show that day. My dad's mood would set the entire tone of the house and we'd all walk on eggshells when he seemed upset. My mom would sometimes explode about things like the house not being clean instead of just telling us what she expected or calling us names if she got really upset. It was a lot of reading the room, all the time.
The situation with my husband:
My parents have never fully accepted my husband. I think a big part of it is that I moved out with him before we were married which they didnt approve of, and around that time I also started setting more boundaries with my family. Instead of looking at themselves and asking why I might be pulling back, they found it easier to blame him for changing me, which may not have been entirely wrong as he actually gave me the space to be myself and learn who i am, as well as over time has helped me see and realize that the things they do or did weren't okay.
The thing is, my husband has actually suggested visiting my family more times than I have, I was the one who didn't want to go because honestly dealing with my parents is exhausting.
There was an incident where my husband drove my whole family to the state we're moving to do they could see it and he could look at properties, I couldn't go because of work. On the drive back he got frustrated in traffic and accelerated to get past a slow car. My parents came back convinced he had been reckless and dangerous and later my mom actually asked me if he was abusive. My siblings said they were exaggerating. My husband even initiated a conversation with my dad about it and apologized when he understood how it came across to my dad. But their skewed perspective of him stayed because again, i think its easier to blame than to look at themselves.
My mom also consistently leaves him out of family photos. Like will specifically gather me and my siblings and my dad for a group photo and just not include him. He's noticed, it bothers him and honestly it bothers me too.
They smile to his face and are cordial, my mom says she treats him like a son, but its apparent that she doesn't and underneath it they've never actually let him in. And he knows it. He puts up with it because they're my family but he doesn't really like them and I completely understand why.
Me finally trying to break away from the enmeshnent:
This has honestly been one of the hardest things I've ever done because I didn't even fully realize what I was doing for most of my life. I just thought I was being a good daughter and couldnt understand why on paper we were supposed to be such a close loving family, yet in reality they never actually knew who i was and I always felt like I had a mask on with them and couldn't fully feel comfortable or open up.
I've been in therapy, reading a lot, and doing serious self reflection. I've started setting actual limits with my parents instead of just finding workarounds to keep the peace. I'm now trying to not make myself responsible for their emotional states. I'm also trying to not let their anxiety and fear become my problem to solve, because they always need me to reassure their worries
I've also stopped being the messenger between my parents when they fight, stopped absorbing my mom's emotions as my own (or at least trying to), and stopped pretending their version of events is accurate when I know it isn't (this is more recent and i think what is causing and will cause a lot of conflict coming up)
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What happened recently, AKA the actual active Drama:
My mom came over to help me with the baby while I did some things around the house. Everything was fine until my husband made a dark sarcastic joke about our dog, who has a rash and has been wearing a cone. It was clearly a joke, the kind of dark humor he makes sometimes with everyone, especially people hes comfortabl with. My mom didn't take it well and started crying and leaving, making passive aggressive comments, implying my husband is cruel or evil, and saying she hopes I wake up one day and realize what's going on. Basically implying he's controlling or abusive and implying that we're abusing our dog (they literally had a whole couch in their own corner of the living room until they destroyed it, now its a big dog bed and a separate dog bed for the third dog. We've put ointments and creams on our dog with the rash that was helping until literally the night before they came over he somehow squished his cone and got to another section of his back and opened up a new rash spot, so it looked worse that day).
Anyways, she said all of this in front of my daughter, while im literally 8 months pregnant. That part I can't get past.
I got defensive in the moment, said some things I regret, and owned that when I called her afterward to apologize. I was specific about what I was apologizing for and I genuinely meant it because I'd had a bad reaction and knew i hurt her feelings.
I told her what I needed from her, an apology to me and to my husband for the accusations and the hurtful things she said, and a promise that she won't behave that way in front of my daughters or to my family again because that would also affect my daughters. She said she couldn't apologize for what she meant and her feelings. She did apologize for saying it in front of my baby. She said there are things they've observed that they need to discuss and she's willing to apologize if she turns out to be wrong, but she won't just apologize for how she handled it, for the accusations, or the fact that it was hurtful. I tried to explain that I dont need her to apologize for her feelings or even what she thinks to be true, that I need an apologize for the way she handled it and for being hurtful and she just won't do it. Had she come at it from a more level headed place or even a place of being hurt but not hurting back, husband would've apologized and promised not to make dark jokes to them again. She also mentioned how i had also said hurtful things and I had to literally repeat to her that I know that's why the first thing I did when I called was apologize for that, and immediately after that she said she's sorry but very disingenuous and like she was just saying it meanly or something.
So, I've been going to family events alone because husband obviously doesn't want to go see people that believe the worst of him (i dont blame him). I also haven't brought my daughter because for one i can't drive alone with her (she can't handle, being alone in the car seat without someone sitting in the back with her), and also i now dont want my mom around her because if she cant even apologize to me, her own daughter, for hurting me and owning up to just her bad reaction, how am i supposed to know she wont go off like that again in front of her. How would i know shes not talking bad about her dad to my baby. How do i know when my daughter, soon to be daughters, is older and she inherits some of my hsubands personality (dark jokes, maybe some sarcasm, maybe the straightforwardness) she wont accidentally say something to hurt my moms feelings and my mom wont go off on her. My mom has asked about her and I've deflected for now, but thats a major conversationi have to have because now i dont want them seeing her until they can actually show me they're willing to work on changing at least around my family
We have a four way conversation planned in about two weeks. Me, my husband, and both my parents. I'm going in having already decided to let them speak first so I can hear what their actual intentions are and whether they're there for resolution or just to air grievances about my husband. Then I'll say what I need to say regardless of how they receive it.
The main things I need to get across are that I won't be managing their anxiety and fears anymore, that my husband is my family and needs to be treated as such, that my daughters will not be around behavior like what happened until I see actual change and not just words, and that I need a real apology not a conditional one.
I don't know how it'll go. I'm not holding out a lot of hope that my parents will be able to put their need to be right aside and actually hear me, but I'm going to say what needs to be said for myself, not to change them, just so that it's finally been said out loud.
If anyone has been through something similar or has been in a four way conversation with enmeshed parents I'd really love to hear how it went and any advice going in. It's been a lot dealing with this whole drama, being incredibly pregnant, managing a 10 month old baby girl that is very high needs, trying to sell our house, and having to plan the move across states soon.
Sorry for the super long post, I have a lot on my mind.