19, questioning, and hoping for some advice
I’m 18 and trying to figure out my sexuality. I always assumed I was straight, but I went to an all-girls high school and never really had much experience with dating or attention from guys. Since coming to college, I’ve started wondering if I’m actually attracted to women instead of men (or both?)
Around the same time I started questioning this, I developed a crush on one of my best friends, who is a lesbian. These feelings are definitely romantic, not platonic. I feel very comfortable and “myself” around her, and our dynamic feels different from her other friendships, though I can’t tell if I’m reading too much into things. We don’t live near each other over summers, but we’ll be living together next year with other roommates.
Part of why I’m confused is that I’ve never had much romantic experience at all—I went on one date a few years ago with a guy and we never really spoke again. I had “crushes” on guys in high school, but looking back, I’m not sure if I actually liked them or just liked the attention/idea of being liked. I definitely can see men as attractive, but don’t find myself attracted to them. I’ve always felt like women were the more attractive gender. Learning about compulsive heterosexuality resonated with me a lot. Still, right now I definitely like girls, it’s just that how could I have gone 4 years at an all-girls high school and never had a crush on a girl then?
My main questions are:
How do people become confident in their sexuality? I worry that I’m “making this up” somehow because I didn’t realize it earlier, and I’m hesitant to label myself or come out if there’s a chance my feelings could change, as I feel it would negatively impact people who identify as LGBTQ and aren’t accepted—told it’s just a phase or it’s reversible. Also, I worry about “exploring” because I don’t want to be stereotyped as a bored straight girl and hurt someone’s feelings. My family would be accepting of me, and so would my friends, though it might seem out of the blue.
Should I tell my friend I like her? She knows I’m at least questioning (we jokingly took sexuality quizzes once and I got bisexual), but I’ve never explicitly said I like women. I just kinda said I don’t label myself and left it at that (in hindsight wishing I said more). I’d rather she make the first move, but realistically she probably wouldn’t risk the friendship if she assumes I’m straight. We’ve had conversations about how we both would rather “die” than “speak” (call me by your name reference), but agree that it’s better to speak. At the same time, we’ll be living together next year, so I’m nervous about making things awkward. I’m happy just being in her orbit, not in a romantic way, but at this point I’m not interested in anyone else and don’t see myself dating/putting myself out there because I’d really like it to be her. Even if I did come out to the first, I don’t want it to feel like cliche “the two gays in the friend group like each other” and make her uncomfortable. Should I just wait it out?
Would appreciate advice from people who realized they were queer later than expected, especially regarding uncertainty and friendships turning into crushes.