Fear of abandonment is an issue that I frequently come across in my work with clients. Sometimes the person already knows that this is what they are struggling with. Other times, they describe a pattern of becoming very anxious when their partner takes too long to reply to a message, needing frequent reassurance that everything is okay, worrying that their partner will lose interest, or feeling extremely distressed by relatively small changes in their partner’s behavior.

There can be many different experiences contributing to a fear of abandonment, which is why I usually think of working on it as a gradual process rather than trying to find the one tapping phrase that will make the whole issue disappear. We can work with present-day triggers, earlier experiences, beliefs, self judgment, and even the parts of us that may be afraid of letting go of the fear itself.

Before Working on the Fear, How Do You Feel About Working on It?

One of the first things I might ask a client is how they feel about working on their fear of abandonment in the first place.

Does the idea of exploring it feel scary? Are they worried about opening Pandora’s box or opening a can of worms? Is there a concern that we might uncover memories or emotions that will be too painful to handle?

If so, that’s where I would begin.

Rather than pushing through that apprehension so that we can get to the “real work”, we can give the microphone to the apprehension itself (and this is still part of the “real work”, because we are finding a safer distance from which to approach the issue). For example, we might tap on the fear that opening this subject will bring up something overwhelming.

This is part of what I mean when I talk about meeting ourselves where we are. If a part of us is saying, “I’m scared to go there”, I don’t want to drag that part somewhere it isn’t ready to go. We can listen to it, tap on what it’s afraid of, and see what happens from there.

The Feelings About the Feelings

Another layer that tends to come up frequently with fear of abandonment is self judgment.

Someone may already be experiencing anxiety about their relationship, but on top of that, they might be thinking, “Why am I so insecure?”, “Why can’t I just trust my partner?”, or “I hate that I’m like this”.

There can also be a lot of guilt about how the fear is affecting the other person or the relationship. Perhaps they repeatedly ask their partner for reassurance, become upset when messages aren’t answered quickly, or start arguments because they are trying to find out whether something is wrong.

All of this can create what I sometimes call “feelings about the feelings”. We feel afraid, and then we feel ashamed, guilty, frustrated, or angry with ourselves for feeling afraid.

Those secondary reactions deserve compassionate attention throughout the process. In my experience, the more we can accept that this is genuinely how we are feeling right now, without demanding that we immediately feel differently, the easier it often becomes for some of that emotional charge to shift.

Start With What Is Happening Now

Once we are ready to work more directly with the fear of abandonment, a good starting point is usually something recent and specific.

Maybe your partner took several hours to answer a message yesterday and you noticed yourself becoming increasingly anxious. You might return to that particular moment in your mind and notice what thoughts and feelings come up now as you remember it.

Perhaps the thoughts are:

“What if they’re losing interest in me?”

“What if I did something wrong?”

“What if they’ve met someone else?”

“Why haven’t they answered me yet?”

“I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t stop”.

Those are all potential doorways for tapping. Rather than trying to replace them immediately with reassuring thoughts, we can give the microphone to what is actually coming up.

We can also work with an imagined future event. For example, imagine sending your partner a message tomorrow and seeing several hours go by without a response. What happens inside you as you picture that? What does your mind predict? What emotions or body sensations appear?

That imagined scenario can give us access to the emotional charge even though the feared event isn’t happening at that moment.

And, as always, if the emotional intensity starts becoming overwhelming, we can gently back away and do a few rounds of silent tapping until that particular wave subsides. We want the proverbial cup of tea to be warm enough that we can connect with what we’re working on, while being careful not to let it become boiling hot.

Following the Fear Into the Past

As we continue working with present-day triggers, earlier memories may begin to emerge. We can also deliberately become curious about earlier experiences that might be contributing to the fear.

For some people, there may have been a very obvious experience of abandonment. Perhaps a parent left after a divorce, someone important died unexpectedly, or there was another sudden separation or loss.

For others, the connection may be less obvious. A parent may have been physically present but emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or unable to provide the kind of reassurance and connection the child needed. There may have been experiences of rejection by friends, bullying at school, the end of an important relationship, or other moments that reinforced the feeling that people we depend on can suddenly disappear or stop caring about us.

We don’t necessarily need to find one single event that “caused” the fear of abandonment. There may be several memories contributing to it, and we can gradually work with them one at a time.

With EFT, we are also paying attention to how those memories feel now, when we think about them in the present. What emotional charge is still attached to them today? That is what we have available to work with while we tap.

What Did Those Experiences Teach You?

Earlier experiences can also contribute to beliefs about ourselves, relationships, and other people.

For example:

“People always leave me”.

“I’m not lovable”.

“I’m not good enough”.

“I’m not worthy of being chosen”.

“If someone really gets to know me, they’ll eventually leave”.

“I can’t relax in a relationship because that’s when I’ll get hurt”.

Rather than simply repeating the opposite belief while tapping, I prefer to explore the emotional experiences that make the original belief feel true.

If “people always leave me” carries a strong emotional charge, what memories seem to prove it? If “I’m not good enough” feels true, when do you remember first feeling that way? What experiences reinforced it afterwards?

As we gradually process some of the emotional charge attached to those memories, we may find that the corresponding beliefs begin to feel less true as well.

What If You Didn’t Have the Fear Anymore?

There’s another direction that I think is also important when working with fear of abandonment.

Imagine that you could wake up tomorrow and no longer have this fear. Your partner could take a while to respond, spend time with other people, or seem a little distant one afternoon, and your nervous system wouldn’t immediately go into high alert.

Does anything about that scenario feel uncomfortable?

Sometimes a part of us believes that the fear itself is helping to protect us.

For example:

“If I stop worrying, I’ll lower my guard”.

“If I relax and trust them completely, I won’t see it coming if they leave”.

“If I’m constantly looking for signs that something is wrong, maybe I can protect myself”.

“If I let myself feel completely safe, it will hurt even more if I get abandoned again”.

In EFT, concerns like these are sometimes described as “secondary gains”. I tend to think of them as protective mechanisms. A part of us has learned that staying vigilant might reduce the chances of being blindsided or experiencing that same pain again.

That protective part also deserves the microphone. We can listen to what it believes would happen if it stopped doing its job and tap on the emotional charge attached to those fears, rather than trying to convince it that there’s nothing to worry about.

Progress Can Show Up in Subtle Ways

Fear of abandonment, particularly when it has been reinforced by experiences over many years, may have many different pieces to work through. For that reason, I wouldn’t necessarily judge progress based on whether the fear has completely disappeared.

Instead, we can pay attention to how our reactions begin changing over time.

Maybe your partner takes several hours to answer a message and you still feel anxious, but the anxiety is less intense. Maybe you still have the thought that they’re losing interest, but you don’t spend the next four hours ruminating about it. Perhaps you notice that you need reassurance less frequently, recover more quickly after being triggered, or have more space between the initial fear and the impulse to react.

Those changes are all signs of progress.

As we continue giving the microphone to the present-day triggers, the self judgment and guilt, the earlier memories, the beliefs that grew out of those experiences, and the protective parts that are afraid to lower their guard, the emotional reactions can gradually become less intense, less frequent, and shorter lasting.

And that can make it easier to experience closeness with another person without having to spend so much energy preparing ourselves for the possibility that they might leave.

That said, when working on fear of abandonment, there can be many different layers, and it’s not always easy to know what to focus on when tapping by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

Have you ever noticed yourself replaying someone’s comments over and over in your mind?

Sometimes it is not even the words themselves that stay with us. It might be the person’s tone of voice, the expression on their face, or the way they looked at us. Hours later, or even days later, we find ourselves mentally replaying the interaction, wishing we had responded differently or wondering why it affected us so much.

When this happens, one helpful place to begin is simply by tapping on the most recent situation. We can give the microphone to whatever thoughts, feelings, or body sensations come up as we remember what happened. Or, if we know we are likely to see that person again, we can imagine the next time we might hear a similar comment and tap on how we feel about that imagined future scenario.

Sometimes, that is enough for the emotional charge to gradually soften.

Other times, we notice that the same type of comment continues to affect us despite having tapped on several recent interactions. When that happens, I find it helpful to become curious rather than assuming the process isn’t working. There are a few different directions we can gently explore.

One question that often leads somewhere interesting is: “Who does this person remind me of?”

Sometimes the connection is immediately obvious. Other times it takes a little while before we realize that the person’s tone of voice, facial expressions, or way of speaking reminds us of a parent, a teacher, a sibling, a school bully, or someone else from earlier in our lives.

If that happens, it may be worth exploring some of those older memories. Often we discover that the emotional charge attached to those earlier experiences is contributing to why the present-day comments feel so difficult to brush off.

Another question I often like to ask is: “What meaning is my mind giving to what this person said?”

Imagine that someone criticizes you, but what they are saying feels completely untrue. You might disagree with them, perhaps even laugh about it, and move on with your day.

But if their comments keep echoing in your mind, it can sometimes be a sign that they have touched on an old wound, insecurity, or belief that already existed before that conversation took place.

Perhaps part of us wonders whether what they said might actually be true. Perhaps it connects with an old feeling of “I’m not good enough”, “I’m disappointing people,” or “I’ll never measure up”. Those thoughts and beliefs can become valuable places to tap.

Finally, I sometimes invite people to imagine the following: “What if this person’s comments didn’t bother me anymore?”. As strange as it may sound, that question can sometimes bring up unexpected answers.

Some people notice a fear that if they stopped reacting, they would be letting the other person “off the hook”. Others realize that staying emotionally activated or triggered helps them remain vigilant or protects them from being caught off guard in the future.

These protective concerns deserve just as much curiosity as the original trigger. Rather than trying to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t feel this way, we can simply give those protective parts the microphone (while we tap) and listen to what they have to say.

One of the things I appreciate most about EFT is that it encourages us to follow the emotional charge wherever it leads. We may begin by tapping on a conversation that happened this morning, only to discover that it opens the door to an earlier relationship, an old insecurity, or a protective strategy that has been with us for many years.

As those different layers gradually lose their emotional charge, we often notice that the comments themselves begin to lose their grip on us. The other person may not change at all, but our nervous system no longer reacts with the same intensity, and that can make quite a difference in how we experience the relationship.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

One question I hear from time to time is whether it’s normal for a physical sensation to remain, even after making a lot of progress with EFT.

For example, someone may tell me that they have worked through several memories of abandonment or rejection and they feel much better than they used to. Their relationships are healthier, they feel calmer, and many of their old triggers no longer have the same emotional charge. Yet there is still a subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach, tension in the throat, or another physical sensation that seems to linger in the background.

It can be discouraging when that happens, especially if the sensation temporarily softens while tapping but then gradually returns. At the same time, I generally see that temporary relief as an encouraging sign, because it suggests that the sensation is responsive to the process, even if there are still some pieces of the puzzle waiting to be explored.

One place I often like to begin is by becoming curious about how we feel about the sensation itself.

For example, does it make us feel afraid because we worry it will never go away? Do we feel frustrated every time it returns? Have we started judging ourselves for “still having it” after doing so much work? Those emotional reactions can develop a charge of their own, and sometimes they end up becoming just as important to tap on as the original sensation.

Another possibility is that the sensation may be connected to earlier experiences that have not yet come into awareness. While gently tapping through the points, it can sometimes be helpful to ask ourselves, “When is an earlier time I remember feeling something like this?” It doesn’t have to be the very first time. Sometimes a memory from childhood or adolescence simply comes to mind on its own. If it does, we can begin exploring how we feel now when we think about that experience, including any meanings or beliefs that became attached to it.

I also find it useful to approach physical sensations as though they have their own perspective. If we were to give the microphone to that tightness in the chest, what might it say? Are there any words attached to it? Would it have a particular age, personality, or emotional tone? Does it remind us of a frightened child, a heavy rock, a tightly wound spring, or something else entirely? These images and metaphors don’t have to make logical sense. Sometimes they simply provide another doorway into the emotional experience that the nervous system is holding.

Finally, I sometimes invite people to imagine, just for a moment, that the sensation has completely disappeared.

How does that feel?

For some people, the answer is immediate relief. For others, though, something unexpected can happen. They might notice a fear of becoming vulnerable without that protective tension, or a concern that letting go somehow means letting their guard down. In EFT, these protective concerns are sometimes referred to as “secondary gains”. Rather than trying to push past them, I generally find it more helpful to become curious about them and give them the microphone as well, including any memories where (using the example above) letting their guard down resulted in getting hurt.

Of course, it’s also important to remember that physical sensations can have many possible causes, and persistent or concerning symptoms should always be evaluated by an appropriate healthcare professional. EFT is not a substitute for medical assessment or treatment, and I encourage people to seek medical advice whenever that is appropriate.

One of the things I like the most about EFT is that it invites us to stay curious rather than jumping to conclusions. A lingering sensation does not automatically mean there is unresolved emotional trauma, nor does it necessarily mean that progress has stalled. Sometimes it simply tells us that there is another emotionally charged thought, belief, memory, protective part, or feeling that would like some non-judgmental attention. And when we continue approaching the process with patience and curiosity, those next pieces often reveal themselves in their own time.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

One of the things I find most fascinating about EFT is that the issue we bring into a session is not always the issue that ends up changing. (The client described in this article gave me permission to share her story, and identifying details have been changed to protect her privacy).

Recently, I worked with a client who came to a session feeling overwhelmed after a work meeting. During the meeting, people had been using highly technical, professional language, and she had also been told that, going forward, she would be expected to use more of that language herself. She found herself feeling intimidated and doubting whether she was knowledgeable enough. The immediate goal seemed straightforward: reduce the anxiety and overwhelm she felt about work.

As we began tapping, something interesting happened.

The technical language reminded her of a professional licensing exam she had considered taking, but ultimately decided against. As she thought about it, she realized that this very formal, clinical way of thinking simply didn’t feel like who she was. She preferred communicating in a simpler, more human way, and the thought, “I feel dumb”, began to emerge. As she gave those thoughts the microphone while tapping, she noticed sadness underneath them.

At that point, the session could easily have stayed focused on work or professional confidence, but instead another memory surfaced.

She remembered being a child and watching two of her siblings struggle with school subjects that had always come easily to her. She also remembered saying cruel things to them, calling them “dumb” and making them feel even worse. As she thought about those moments, the dominant emotion was no longer sadness about work. It was shame about the way she had treated them.

We spent some time simply giving that shame the microphone.

As the tapping continued, she made an observation that neither of us had anticipated at the beginning of the session. She realized that, as a child, she had been echoing what the world was already telling her siblings. Rather than offering them understanding, she had joined in with the criticism they were already experiencing.

That realization naturally led to another.

She began talking about the people she works with today and noticed that this experience had helped her develop a deeper sense of compassion for individuals who have been treated harshly, criticized, or made to feel “less than” by the people around them, including their own family members. She even found herself thinking about making amends to one of her siblings, feeling that doing so would be meaningful not only for their relationship, but also as a way of honoring the empathy she now brings to her work.

Near the end of the session, another connection emerged.

She spoke about her own children, who are exceptionally bright. Sometimes, when she is with them, she finds herself feeling a little like her sisters once did, as though they understand things more quickly than she does. But now, instead of feeling ashamed, she found herself smiling as she said it. There was warmth, perspective, and even a bit of humor. She could appreciate the irony without judging herself.

By the end of the session, the overwhelm she had felt about the work meeting had largely disappeared.

She told me that it now felt manageable to ask for help with the technical aspects of her job if she needed it, and that doing so would not diminish the quality of the relationships she had built with the people she serves. She also reminded herself that she had been doing this work successfully for many years, and that she could deal with this next challenge as well.

I think sessions like this are a good reminder that the relationship between our present struggles and our past experiences is not always obvious. We may begin by tapping on something that happened earlier that day, only to discover that it is connected to memories, beliefs, or emotions that have been contributing to the issue for years.

The encouraging part is that we do not need to know those deeper connections in advance. If we simply begin by giving the microphone to whatever is emotionally charged in the present moment, those hidden pieces often emerge naturally, one at a time, as the process unfolds.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

One of the most discouraging experiences when doing EFT is feeling like you are putting in the effort, noticing a little relief while you tap, but then finding that the underlying issue doesn’t seem to improve very much.

Perhaps you feel calmer for a few minutes afterwards, but the next day you find yourself back where you started. After a while, it is easy to begin wondering whether the issue is simply too deeply rooted to ever change.

If you’ve ever had that thought, you’re certainly not alone.

One thing I think is important to point out is that experiencing even temporary or partial relief is actually an encouraging sign. It tells us that the issue is responding to tapping. The challenge is that some issues are relatively simple, while others are much more complex. By “complex”, I don’t necessarily mean more severe. I simply mean that they are made up of many different pieces, each one carrying its own emotional charge.

You can think of it as trying to solve a puzzle. Working on one piece may help, but it doesn’t necessarily complete the whole picture. Over time, as we gently work through more of those pieces, the issue often begins to shift in a more noticeable way.

One of the reasons this process can take time is that there are often several different layers asking to be heard.

For example, there may be beliefs about how possible (or not) it is to resolve the issue itself, such as, “Maybe this will never go away because my childhood trauma runs too deep”. That belief can carry a lot of emotional charge, and it can become a valuable target for tapping in its own right.

Sometimes there are also identity-related fears. A part of us may wonder, “Who would I even be if I didn’t have this problem anymore?”. Even if we consciously want to heal, another part may experience the possibility of change as unfamiliar or even frightening.

There can also be fears about what might happen if the issue were to resolve.

For one person, healing might feel like letting someone “off the hook” for the pain they caused. Someone else may feel that letting go of grief means loving the other person less. Another person may fear that becoming less guarded will leave them vulnerable to being hurt again.

These concerns often make perfect sense once we take the time to listen to them.

Self judgment can be another important layer. Sometimes people carry shame about having the issue in the first place, or about the younger parts of themselves that still feel wounded. Those feelings deserve the microphone just as much as the original problem does.

And very often, there are specific memories or younger selves carrying emotional wounds that are still waiting for some attention. As those memories gradually lose their emotional charge, the larger issue often begins to soften as well.

This is also one of the reasons why working with an EFT practitioner can sometimes be helpful, especially when dealing with long-standing or complex issues. Through the questions they ask and the way they follow what comes up during the session, it is often possible to uncover important aspects that were outside of our awareness and therefore never became targets for tapping. 

Sometimes these hidden pieces emerge because of a question the practitioner asks. Other times they arise organically while we are already tapping on something we know about. In my experience, once enough rapport and a sense of safety have developed, clients will often remember experiences, beliefs, or younger selves that had never come to mind when tapping on their own. Those newly uncovered aspects can sometimes become key pieces of the puzzle, allowing meaningful progress where previously the issue seemed stuck.

The common thread running through all of these examples is that anything connected to the issue that carries emotional charge can become a useful place to tap.

At the same time, we want to be mindful of the “cup of tea” analogy that I’ve mentioned in previous articles. Our goal is to connect with enough emotion for the tapping to have something to work with, but not so much that we become overwhelmed. If, at any point, the cup of tea starts becoming boiling hot, it can be helpful to gently back away.

One simple way of doing this is to continue tapping silently while shifting some of your attention toward something that feels neutral or pleasant. You might notice the sensation of your fingertips tapping, the feeling of your feet on the ground, the view outside your window, or even think about your favorite animal or television show. This often helps send cues of safety to the nervous system, allowing you to return to the issue more gradually.

Another question that comes up quite often is what phrases to use while tapping.

When we are working on our own, it can sometimes feel quite difficult to come up with the “right” setup statement. Fortunately, the words themselves are not what make EFT effective. Their purpose is to help us connect with the emotional charge we want to process.

For that reason, if you already find yourself emotionally tuned in (perhaps you’re crying, feeling anxious, or caught in a loop of rumination), you can simply begin tapping silently while allowing yourself, to whatever degree is possible, to feel what you’re feeling and think what you’re thinking. There is no requirement to come up with a perfectly worded setup statement before you begin.

Some people also find it helpful to imagine they are talking to someone they trust. Rather than trying to construct formal tapping phrases, they simply vent or rant about what is going through their mind while they continue tapping through the points. In many ways, this resembles what naturally happens during an EFT session with a practitioner.

When an issue has been present for many years, meaningful change often comes from patiently exploring it from many different angles. Every time we give another emotionally charged thought, belief, memory, fear, or younger part the microphone, we create another opportunity for the emotional charge surrounding the issue to become a little lighter. Those individual shifts may seem small in the moment, but over time they can begin adding up in ways that are difficult to appreciate when we are only looking at today’s tapping session.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

One challenge that many people encounter when doing EFT on their own is finding that they simply can’t connect with the emotions they want to work on. This often happens when tapping on older memories that are contributing to the issue we are trying to resolve (what in EFT is sometimes referred to as the “table legs” supporting the problem). 

We know the event was painful, and we remember what happened, but when we sit down to tap, the emotional charge seems distant or even absent. This can leave us wondering whether the tapping will still be effective.

One of the ideas I often come back to is that, for EFT to be both safe and effective, there needs to be enough emotional activation for us to “tune in” to the issue, but not so much that we become overwhelmed. I sometimes compare this to a cup of tea. If the tea is too cold, it is difficult to connect with the emotion. If it is boiling hot, the nervous system can become overwhelmed. Our goal is to find a comfortable middle ground.

One thing that can make this easier is having a compassionate witness. Many people notice that they connect much more easily with their emotions when they are speaking to a therapist or an EFT practitioner. Having another person calmly listening to us, in a non-judgmental way, can create a greater sense of safety, allowing emotions to emerge more naturally.

Some people discover ways of recreating part of that experience on their own. For example, one person recently shared that she imagines she is sitting in a therapy session and tells the story out loud as though a therapist were listening. She found that speaking this way helped her reconnect with the emotions much more easily, making the tapping feel more effective.

Another strategy is to mentally “zoom in” on the emotionally charged details of the memory. Imagine you are working on a memory of being rejected as a child, which might be supporting the “tabletop” issue of fear of rejection or social anxiety. At first, you might think about the event and feel almost nothing. But as you begin focusing on specific details, the emotional connection may become much stronger. 

You might notice the expression on the other person’s face, the tone of their voice, the exact words they used, the fact that other people were watching, or the moment you realized what had happened. Sometimes those seemingly small details are exactly what allows the emotional charge to become accessible again.

It is also worth remembering that with EFT, we are always tapping on how we feel now, in the present moment, when thinking about the memory. The emotion we feel today is not always the same emotion we experienced at the time. Perhaps you felt sadness when the event originally happened, but today you mainly notice shame. Or perhaps it is the other way around. That is completely okay. 

A helpful approach is to simply give the microphone to whatever emotion is present right now. As that emotional charge begins to soften, other layers often emerge naturally. In EFT, these are sometimes called “shifting aspects.” What can usually happen is that one emotion leads us toward another, eventually bringing us into contact with feelings that were present during the original experience.

Sometimes there is another reason why it is difficult to connect with our emotions. Part of us may be actively trying to push down those emotions because they feel too painful or overwhelming. When that happens, I generally would not recommend trying to push past that protective part. Instead, we can welcome it into the process and give it the microphone as well.

For example, you might tap while saying:

“There’s a part of me that doesn’t want me to feel what I felt back then, because it might be too painful. And this is where I’m at right now”.

Very often, protective parts become more willing to relax once they feel heard, rather than ignored.

Finally, there are situations where early memories simply remain difficult to access despite trying these different approaches. In those cases, it can be much easier to begin with a more recent example of the same theme. If your core issue is rejection, you might start with a recent situation where you felt rejected. Or you might imagine a future situation where you are afraid rejection could happen. 

As you tap on those more accessible experiences, you may find that older memories begin to arise on their own. And when they do, they often feel much more emotionally accessible than they did before.

There is no need to force this process. In my experience, the more we meet ourselves where we are, and the more willing we are to work with whatever is available in the present moment, the easier it becomes for the next layer to emerge naturally. That gradual unfolding often leads to deeper and more sustainable emotional processing than trying to force ourselves to reconnect with emotions that are not ready to surface yet.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

I'd love to know: What challenges have you encountered when doing EFT Tapping? Is there anything about the tapping process that you find challenging or difficult? Let me know in the comments below and I'll try to give you some useful tips based on my experience and training.

Many people think of EFT primarily as a tool for reducing stress, anxiety, or other unpleasant emotions. And it certainly can be very effective for that. By tapping while giving the microphone to our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, we often find that the emotional charge attached to them gradually decreases.

But what if the goal is to change our behavior?

Perhaps you’d like to exercise more consistently, reach out to potential clients to grow your business, or finally begin working on a project you’ve been postponing. Or maybe your goal is the opposite: spending less time on your phone, eating less sugar, or reducing another habit that no longer serves you.

One of the most useful ways I’ve found to approach behavioral change with EFT is to become curious about the part of us that objects to the new behavior.

Whenever we want to change something, there is often another part of us that is not entirely on board. Rather than trying to overpower that part through willpower, EFT invites us to listen to it.

What thoughts and feelings come up when you imagine doing the new behavior?

Those thoughts and feelings are often where the work begins.

For example, suppose you would like to reach out to potential clients for your business. On the surface, the behavior seems simple: send an email, make a phone call, or introduce yourself. But when you imagine actually doing it, perhaps a thought appears:

“I’m really afraid of being rejected”.

That fear becomes a great place to tap.

You might focus on an imagined future scenario in which someone rejects your offer. Or perhaps an older memory comes to mind, a time when you felt rejected or embarrassed, and that memory still carries emotional charge today. By working with the emotional charge attached to those experiences, the idea of reaching out often begins to feel less threatening.

The same principle applies to many other behaviors.

Imagine that your goal is to start going to the gym more regularly. You might notice a thought such as:

“Every time I’ve tried to work out before, I eventually quit, and I don’t want to disappoint myself again”.

Rather than arguing with that thought or replacing it with a positive affirmation, you can give it the microphone while tapping. There may be disappointment from previous attempts, fear of failing again, or shame about past experiences that deserve to be heard.

Or perhaps you want to reduce the amount of time you spend on your phone.

As you imagine putting your phone away, what spontaneous thoughts and feelings do you notice coming up?

You might notice thoughts such as:

“I don’t want to miss an important notification”.

Or:

“I’ll be bored if I don’t have my phone”.

Those reactions often carry emotional charge, and that emotional charge is exactly what EFT can help us work with.

The same applies to food cravings.

Suppose your goal is to eat less sugar. One layer might simply be the craving itself.

“Just thinking about those chocolates, I really want to eat them. They’re so damned good!”

That is a perfectly good place to begin tapping.

As you continue, deeper layers may emerge.

“When I imagine my life without eating sugar, I wonder what the point would even be. It’s my only source of pleasure nowadays”.

That thought may reveal something much more significant than a craving. It might point toward loneliness, stress, exhaustion, or a lack of enjoyment in other areas of life.

One aspect of this process that I think is especially important is remembering that the part of us resisting change often has something valuable to say.

Our first impulse may be to view resistance as an obstacle that needs to disappear. But very often it is trying to protect us or point out something that deserves our attention.

For example, someone might think:

“Going to the gym will take too much time”.

That may be a completely reasonable concern. Instead of dismissing it, we can ask whether there is a way to exercise that fits more realistically into our schedule.

Or perhaps someone notices:

“I don’t feel ready to reach out to potential clients because I don’t even know exactly what I’m offering”.

Again, that may contain useful information. Rather than tapping until the concern disappears, it may be more helpful to spend some time clarifying the offer first.

In other words, EFT is not only about reducing emotional charge. It can also help us better understand ourselves and our circumstances. Sometimes the thoughts that object to change are driven by fear or old emotional wounds. Other times, they highlight practical problems that can actually be solved.

The more willing we are to listen to both possibilities, the easier it often becomes to create changes that are not only meaningful, but also sustainable.

And even if we only release some of the emotional charge, or we only work through a few of the thoughts and feelings involved, that progress can still move us in the right direction. As those emotional obstacles become smaller, changing the behavior often requires less conscious effort and less willpower than before. It may not suddenly become easy per se, but it can gradually become easier.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

We all experience unpleasant emotions from time to time. Sometimes they are understandable reactions to difficult situations, and other times they seem to come out of nowhere. A comment, a facial expression, or a seemingly minor event suddenly triggers a strong emotional response of anger, fear, grief, shame, or disappointment.

Very often, these reactions have to do with what we commonly call “triggers.” Something in the present reminds our nervous system of an emotionally charged experience from the past, even if we are not consciously aware of the connection.

At first, these emotional reactions may be quite specific. Perhaps they only happen in certain situations or with certain people. But if we never give ourselves an opportunity to safely process those emotions, they can gradually begin to take up more space in our lives.

Over time, we may notice that the reactions become more frequent, more intense, or last longer than they used to. The emotional charge remains unresolved, and because it has not been given a chance to move through us, it keeps looking for opportunities to be expressed.

This can affect many different areas of life.

Relationships are often one of the first places where we notice the impact. During moments of emotional activation, we may say or do things that we later regret. A conversation that could have been resolved calmly instead turns into an argument because one or both people have become emotionally overwhelmed.

The effects are not limited to relationships. Unprocessed emotions can also influence the way we think. Some people find themselves having repetitive, intrusive thoughts that are difficult to ignore. Those thoughts can interfere with work, hobbies, or simply enjoying the present moment. Much of their persistence comes from the emotional charge attached to them.

Our bodies can also be affected. Emotional stress does not cause every physical symptom or medical condition, and it is important not to assume that it does. At the same time, there is good evidence that stress can contribute to certain physical problems, and many people notice improvements in symptoms such as muscle tension, headaches, or digestive discomfort as their emotional stress decreases.

When unpleasant emotions remain unaddressed, they often become more disruptive with time.

The encouraging part is that beginning to address them does not necessarily require hours of work every day. Even spending a few minutes tapping can make a meaningful difference, especially if those minutes are spent giving the microphone to whatever thoughts, emotions, or body sensations are asking most strongly for our attention. For some people, combining a brief daily tapping practice with sessions alongside a skilled practitioner once a week or even twice a month provides enough support to begin creating lasting change.

One analogy that I often use is the idea of a town hall meeting.

Imagine that someone attending the meeting has been trying to speak for a long time, but every time they raise their hand, they are ignored because they are considered too negative, too emotional, or too disruptive. Eventually, that person is likely to become frustrated. They may interrupt the meeting, shout louder, or find another way to be heard.

Our emotions can behave in a similar way.

When we repeatedly refuse to acknowledge them, they often become more persistent. Giving them the microphone, while tapping and staying within a level of activation that feels manageable for our nervous system, allows those emotions to finally express what they have been trying to communicate.

Another metaphor that I find helpful is to imagine a large ship crossing the ocean.

The direction the ship is pointing today represents the course our emotional life will naturally continue to follow if nothing changes. Every time we spend a few minutes processing an emotionally charged memory, thought, or feeling through tapping, we make a very small adjustment to the ship’s direction**. One adjustment may seem insignificant, but over time those small adjustments can gradually lead to a very different destination**.

As that happens, our emotional reactions often become less frequent, less intense, and shorter lasting. We may find ourselves responding more thoughtfully during difficult conversations, enjoying daily activities with fewer intrusive thoughts, and feeling calmer in situations that previously felt overwhelming. Some people also notice improvements in aspects of their physical health, particularly when stress has been contributing to their symptoms.

I sometimes think of emotional processing as a long-term investment. One round of tapping rarely changes everything overnight. But if we spend a few minutes, day after day, giving the microphone to whatever thoughts, feelings, or body sensations are asking most strongly for our attention, those small moments of processing can gradually add up. Months later, we may look back and realize that situations which used to completely overwhelm us now feel much easier to navigate.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

It might be a large bill you weren’t expecting, an expensive car repair, a sudden loss of income, or any other situation that puts pressure on your finances. Even when the setback is manageable from a practical standpoint, the emotional reaction can sometimes feel quite intense.

Part of the reason for this is that money is often closely linked to our sense of safety and survival. When something happens that affects our finances, it can activate fears and beliefs that go far beyond the actual amount of money involved.

This is where EFT can be particularly helpful.

When a financial setback occurs, one useful approach is to give the microphone to the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about what happened.

Rather than trying to immediately reassure yourself or think positively, it can be helpful to become curious.

What exactly are you telling yourself about this situation?

What does this setback seem to confirm?

For example, some people notice thoughts such as:

• “I knew this would happen”.
• “I’ll never have enough”.
• “Why does this always happen to me?”
• “I’m never going to get ahead”.
• “I can’t afford to make mistakes”.

These thoughts are often more important than the setback itself because they reveal the deeper beliefs and fears that have been activated.

If the situation triggers a sense of scarcity, hopelessness, shame, disappointment, frustration, or fear, those emotions can become the focus of the tapping.

You might ask yourself questions such as:

• Why do I believe this about money?
• What emotion comes up when I think about this setback?
• Does this feeling seem familiar?
• Have I felt this way before?

Very often, financial setbacks do not just activate present-day concerns. They also activate older experiences that are still carrying an unpleasant emotional charge.

This is another area where EFT can be useful.

You may find it helpful to tap on specific memories related to money, one at a time. It is not necessary to tap on every unpleasant money-related memory you have ever had. Often, working on a few significant experiences can create meaningful shifts.

For example, you might remember wanting a toy as a child that your parents could not afford. Or perhaps you remember losing a job, struggling to pay a bill, getting into debt, or receiving unexpected financial news.

When working with these memories, it is important to remember that EFT focuses on the emotional charge you feel in the present moment when thinking about them. We are not tapping on the past itself, but on how we feel now as we remember it.

As the emotional charge around these experiences begins to soften, the beliefs that once felt unquestionably true can start to feel less true than before.

A thought such as “I’ll never have enough” may still appear occasionally, but it often begins to feel less convincing and less emotionally charged. Instead of feeling like an unquestionable fact, it starts to feel more like a passing thought.

Financial setbacks are a normal part of life, even though they can be really stressful when they occur. By using EFT to work with the emotions, beliefs, and memories that these situations activate, we can often respond to them with greater clarity and calm.

And while tapping may not repair the car or pay the bill, it can help reduce the emotional burden that makes these already stressful situations a lot harder to navigate.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

One question that comes up from time to time is whether EFT works better if you tap in your native language.

I remember wondering about this myself many years ago. Since then, after working with clients for several years as an EFT practitioner, my answer has become fairly simple:

As long as you are able to emotionally connect with the issue while you tap, the language itself is usually not what matters most.

One of the most common misconceptions about EFT is the idea that the words we use have to be exactly right, almost as if they were a password that unlocks the process. In my experience, that is not how EFT works.

The purpose of the words and phrases we use while tapping is to help us connect with the emotional charge we want to work on. They help us “tune in” to the issue. They can also help us allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling.

For example, many people use balancing statements such as “I accept this is how I’m feeling” or “this is where I’m at right now”. The value of these phrases does not come from the specific words themselves, but they are meant to remind us that the more we can allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling (as opposed to fighting it, judging it or resisting it), the better the tapping tends to work.

If a phrase helps you connect with the feeling, then it is serving its purpose.

This is one of the reasons why I do not think there is a universal requirement to tap in your native language.

Around 90% of my sessions with clients are conducted in English because most of my clients live in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, or Australia. Some of those clients speak English as a second language, yet we tap in English and the process works very well.

What matters is whether the language allows you to connect with what you are feeling.

That being said, there are situations where a particular word, phrase, memory, or experience carries more emotional charge in one language than another.

For example, someone might notice that a certain childhood memory feels much more emotionally alive when remembered in their native language. Or they may realize that a specific phrase only “hits home” when expressed in the language in which the original experience occurred.

In those cases, it can make sense to use that language.

In fact, with some of my bilingual clients who speak both English and Spanish (like myself), we sometimes end up tapping in a mixture of both languages. We might start in English, switch to Spanish for a few emotionally charged phrases, and then switch back again. You could jokingly call it “Spanglish EFT”.

What is interesting is that this often happens naturally. As people connect more deeply with an emotion, they sometimes find themselves reaching for the words that reflect their actual thoughts and feelings the most, regardless of which language those words belong to.

So if you prefer tapping in English, even though it is not your native language, there is no reason to assume that the tapping will be less effective.

The question I would focus on instead is this:

Does the language you are using help you connect with the emotional charge you want to release?

If the answer is yes, then you are probably using the right language for that moment.

That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

From time to time, some of my clients tell me they are afraid they might be losing their minds. What is interesting is that these are not people who are psychotic. More often, they are people who are going through a period of intense stress, anxiety, grief, emotional overwhelm, or other difficult life circumstances. Yet despite this, they sometimes find themselves wondering, “What if I’m going crazy?”

I think this fear is more common than many people realize.

One of the things I often explain is that when we are under a lot of emotional stress, it is actually quite normal to feel disconnected from ourselves. When our emotions become intense, or when we experience strong physical sensations in the body, we may stop feeling like our usual selves. We may find it harder to think clearly, feel grounded, or make sense of what is happening to us. And when that happens, it is easy for the mind to interpret the experience as a sign that something is seriously wrong.

Another aspect that I think is important to understand is the relationship between pain and connection.

When we are in a lot of pain, whether physical or emotional, it becomes much harder to feel connected to ourselves, to other people, or even to spirituality in the sense of feeling connected to something greater than ourselves. In some ways, emotional pain can be especially confusing because it is invisible. If you have a broken arm, you can point to the injury. You can see it, and other people can see it too. Emotional pain is often harder to locate and make sense of.

Imagine that you have a really intense toothache, but the rest of your body feels completely okay. Even though the pain is limited to one part of your body, it would still be difficult to relax, enjoy a conversation, connect with other people, or feel fully safe and comfortable in your own skin. The pain would keep pulling your attention toward itself.

Something similar can happen when we are carrying a large amount of emotional distress. Even though there may not be a visible injury, the nervous system is still responding to something that feels painful and overwhelming.

Our nervous system is constantly evaluating whether we are safe or unsafe, and much of this process happens outside of conscious awareness. Many people assume that the nervous system is only paying attention to the external environment, such as the facial expressions, tone of voice, and behavior of the people around us. But it is also paying attention to what is happening inside our bodies. It notices our heart rate, muscle tension, dizziness, chest tightness, stomach discomfort, and countless other sensations. It is also monitoring our emotional state.

When the nervous system detects a large amount of distress, whether emotional or physical, it can become more difficult to feel calm, grounded, connected, and stable. This does not necessarily mean that we are losing our minds. Often, it simply means that our nervous system is working very hard to deal with something that feels overwhelming.

This is one of the reasons why EFT can be so helpful. By tapping while focusing on difficult emotions, upsetting thoughts, or uncomfortable body sensations, we often begin to feel more at ease with what is happening internally. Of course, there are times when physical symptoms should be evaluated by a doctor, and EFT is not a substitute for appropriate medical care. But when emotional distress is contributing to the experience, tapping can help reduce the emotional charge around both our emotions and the sensations in our body.

As the nervous system begins to feel safer, it often becomes easier to come out of survival mode. And as that happens, many people notice that they begin to feel more grounded, more connected, and more like themselves again.

That said, it’s not always easy to do this by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.

One challenge that sometimes comes up with EFT is the following:

A person gets very emotionally triggered in a social situation, but later, when they are finally home and have the time and privacy to tap on it, they notice they can barely feel anything anymore.

This can feel frustrating and confusing. After all, EFT tends to work best when there is enough emotional activation present while we tap. In other words, we usually need to be emotionally “tuned in” to what we are working on.

The difficulty is that some people only feel emotionally activated during the actual triggering situation itself.

For example, someone might feel very anxious, awkward, ashamed, or self conscious while talking to other people, but once they are back home trying to tap on the experience, the emotional charge seems to disappear. And unfortunately, tapping in the middle of the social situation itself is not always practical, especially if it would feel uncomfortable or draw attention because it’d look “weird”.

So what can we do in these cases?

One helpful approach is to try to mentally recreate the situation as vividly as possible.

This might involve imagining a future social situation that feels similar to the one that triggered you previously. As you imagine it, you can gently “zoom in” on emotionally charged details.

For example:

• the other person’s facial expressions
• the tone of their voice
• a comment they might make
• the feeling of awkward silence
• thoughts such as “Oh my God, this is so awkward!” or “I’m so lame!”

The more vividly we connect with the emotional experience, the easier it often becomes for the nervous system to “tune in” again, allowing the tapping to have something meaningful to work with.

Closing your eyes while tapping can sometimes help with this process as well.

Should we tap silently or should we say the phrases out loud? Interestingly, different people seem to connect better in different ways.

Some people find that tapping silently helps them tune into the emotional activation more deeply. Others notice that speaking out loud makes the emotional charge easier to access. Some people also find that working with a practitioner or therapist (that they feel comfortable with) helps them stay emotionally connected to the issue more effectively.

Another important thing to keep in mind is that the frustration about “not being able to feel anything” can itself become a useful doorway into the process.

For example, when you think about your difficulty connecting with the emotional charge, do you notice frustration? Hopelessness? Self judgment? Discouragement?

Anything that brings up some degree of unpleasant emotional activation can become a starting point for tapping.

And sometimes, rather than trying to force ourselves to feel a specific emotion, it can help to ask a different question:

“Is there any thought, feeling, or part of me related to this issue that wants to be given a voice right now?”

That shift in attitude can often help take off some of the pressure and make a surprising difference.

Very often, the more we meet ourselves exactly where we are, without forcing, pressuring, or demanding a particular emotional response, the safer the nervous system feels. And when that happens, emotions that previously felt inaccessible often begin to emerge more naturally.

That said, it’s not always easy to do this by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.

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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.

If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.