I (22F) broke up with my boyfriend (21M) but made it clear I see a future with him after I work through my own issues with vulnerability, and I don't know if I made the right decision or how to move forward from here?
I (22F) met my boyfriend (21M) in high school and we were friends for a long time. We started dating when both of us were in college in two different states. Long distance was difficult but we made it work because we always knew the next time we'd see each other and that was a comfort to us.
However during the course of our relationship we struggled (as most couples do). I've always had difficulties with vulnerability and was relatively hyper independent due to the way things were with my parents. Often times in my relationship, I would get upset about something small, not fully understand what made me upset and I would close up. My boyfriend would then start pushing asking what was wrong and even if I finally understood what upset me (usually after a couple days) I would sometimes struggle to say it because I always felt like small, unimportant things would bother me. Small things that I didn't need to have such a strong reaction for. Almost like I liked him more that he liked me or something. (Which is scary, I think it means that I'm in a situation where I can be hurt in a way that I couldn't heal from). I think part of me also wanted him to just know what was upsetting me, like I wanted to be understood.
During these arguments when I would want space my boyfriend would also say things like "When I'm upset I don't want space from you, why do you want space from me" and that would make me feel like he thought I liked him less than he liked me (kinda contradictory to what I said earlier, I know, its complicated). I know he has issues with space because his parents used to give him the silent treatment as a child and I am trying my hardest to be as vulnerable with him as I can but sometimes a knot just forms in my throat.
Anyways back in November, a small thing happened and I said I wanted space but at that time I wasn't able to understand why I was so upset. He kept pushing and I finally broke... I was on my period, and dealing with the stress of being at home with my parents (plus job searching) and I said a LOT of things I didn't mean. I called him names, laughed in his face, overall I was just fucking evil. I barely remember what happened exactly but I was so upset that he kept pushing at me. I think it led to him having a panic attack and I also think he's been guarded since then (naturally).
After that things have been much rockier. His parents weren't really happy and wanted us to break up (again, naturally) but my boyfriend was certain that we could work things out. He told me that he wants us to work out because he believes the universe promised me to him. When we're together in person we really do flow so naturally together. We have similar ideas about life, it's just the vulnerability that gets to me and when you're doing long distance that is a huge thing. I told him I wanted to actually live together in the same city without the influence of parents before we decided that we wouldn't work out. We wanted to do the mundane things, like groceries and date nights. We genuinely clicked so well when we were in person. We kept talking about how neither of us wanted to do long distance for much longer. I graduated in December and went out of the country for a couple months and we talked about how I would definitely move to his city after I graduated and it felt like such a perfect future. He still has two more years of college and because of his degree he has to stay in the state so i would HAVE to be the one to move to him.
However once I came home the illusion shattered. Realistically if I was moving across the country I'd have a lot of things to take care of. I would need insurance, I would need housing, a job! The stress became too big and on top of that I was struggling back home with my parents. Being home felt like two steps backwards. On top of that he told me he wasn't coming home for the summer, meaning realistically I didn't know the next time I was going to see him. This was my emotional breaking point. Everything felt so doomed and with the current state of the job market I felt like there was no hope for me. The mental stress of being the one who had to break the distance was hard. Like if I didn't get a job sooner, then I wasn't trying enough to be with him. On top of that being back home in the same house that I spent so long trying to get out of was hard. I was back home feeling unconfident, like I couldn't talk to my parents about anything and when I was upset I would just have to keep a straight face and move on. It felt like a step backwards from all the forcing myself to be vulnerable and that was hard.
There was just a lot going on and one day when I was at home exhausted from being "normal" for my parents that I just didn't have the energy to talk to my boyfriend that night and he was upset and I was trying to tell him that emotionally I couldn't handle being there for him in that moment. We broke up and there was obviously a lot of strong emotions in between but I tried not to be angry or anything. I told him very clearly that I loved him, I do with all my heart, but with all these stresses around me I wasn't able to be there for him the way he wanted me to. I was back in an environment where I couldn't be vulnerable, and it took a large emotional toll on me to deal with my parents and I wanted to work through my issues with vulnerability because maybe things would be easier for us as well. I am in therapy as well for it. He was sad and upset, but eventually understood the stress I was under and how I was feeling that it was my job to "fix" the relationship by closing the distance.
We also talked about it being a weird middle of breaking up and not breaking up. Like we're not boyfriend/ girlfriend, but I don't see myself being with anyone else, I wanted this break to work on myself and give myself a little more space and time with moving to his city. I didn't tell him whether he could or could not be with other people. I understood if he wanted to because I'm the only person he's been with, but I guess I hoped that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
Last night I was upset and in my head wondering if I made the right choice by doing this.
Then this morning he told me he started seeing someone. It's obviously been hard and it feels like there's a nuclear bomb in the chest about to go off at any second. We talked about his situation and he told that it was casual and he just didn't want to be alone this summer. He told me he still thought that I was the person who the universe promised to him. That he still loved me. It's hard thinking about him being with someone else but I'm trying not to think too much into it. He told me the other girl knows about the situation with us and is okay with it. His parents know the situation with us and are okay with it.
Overall I'm wondering if I made the right choice by going on this break. I've been wondering for a while, and I think this new development made me want to get a general outside perspective. II want to know if the way I treated him was too harsh to a point of no return. Just overall advice on how to navigate this. And if anyone has tips on how to become more comfortable with being vulnerable, I would gladly welcome it.
TLDR: My boyfriend and I broke up because I felt overwhelmed with the fact that it was up to me to get the job and move to his city in order to end long distance. We struggled quite a bit with long distance because I struggled to be vulnerable (due to how I just interacted with my emotions growing up), and I'm hoping to work on being more vulnerable in the time we spent broken up. He started seeing someone else casually (which was technically okayed), but the thought of him being with someone else even just physically makes me want to throw up. I'm not sure if I made the right choices. And I just need advice on navigating this whole situation in general.