I miss her more and more every day
Around 10 years ago I first met a girl online who would eventually end up becoming the most important friend and person in general who I’ve had in my life. I struggle to trust people, nevermind anyone I meet online. Yet after mentioning an artist I had found on twitter whose art I enjoyed on a discord server I had joined, she sent a link to an artbook of his some time after I had mentioned that. We had already talked for some time before that but that just kinda surprised me for some reason. At some point she opened up to me and told me a but about her life. At around this point due to college and family stuff going on, I just stopped getting on discord for some time. Yet I couldn’t get her out of my head until one day 3 years after leaving, I decided to log back into my account and reach out to her. Not even a second after I sent that message did I begin to think it was a bad idea. “You left without a word.” “What exactly do you think will happen?” Delete the message already.” But before I could do that she actually responded and even seemed excited to see me. We started talking. The following day we continued talking almost the whole day. The day after it was the same. Eventually we spent almost every day talking. She then opened up about what was going on with her life at the time and I started wondering if I could open up to her. I hesitated for a while until she herself wanted me to open up to her. So I did.
The thing about me is I’ve always been a lonely person. I just never felt like seeking friendships or any sort of relationship. As a kid I would rather look at ants than play with the other kids in school. From middle school onwards until 2016, I spent my days at home doing nothing. Mostly watching tv in the weekdays and playing video games on the weekends. The few friends I had, it never really felt like friendship to me. I enjoyed their company but for some reason my brain wouldn’t label it friendship. It also felt like I wasn’t allowed to be myself with people. I was always the person they saw me as or wanted me to be. It wasn’t until I met her that I found myself making friends and yet it also wasn’t until we reconnected again that my brain finally saw someone as my friend. I was able to actually be myself with her and it felt nice. Over the next five years we got closer but it was purely platonic. We had both silently agreed that we wanted a platonic friendship from the other. Eventually she became more important than my own family. Might have to do that my family didn’t like that I preferred staying at home alone. It felt like they didn’t accept me for who I was. She did. We were in completely different parts of the country with a good amount of miles between us yet it never felt that way. I loved her so much. She was my sister after a while of being friends. We could talk about anything with each other. And then I developed feelings that I wanted nothing to do with, tried getting rid of said feelings since we swore it would only be platonic, couldn’t do that so I told her but the fear she would be disappointed and end our friendship caused me to explain it all in the worst way possible, she wanted space, I made the whole thing worse and then she ended our friendship for good reason. That was 6 months ago.
I spent the first month constantly crying and when I wasn’t, namely at work, I was fighting back tears to the point I would go to the restroom just to sit in a stall and cry. After a month I decided to forget her for a moment so I could work on myself. Figure myself out. I ended up learning something big and very personal about myself and found myself wishing she was here so I could tell her because she’s the only person I’ve ever trusted so she was the only one I could think of about telling. The regret of what I did seemed to have gone away for a moment there. I found myself remembering memories about our friendship. The things we’d talk about. The interests we’d share with each other. The inside jokes we had that would cause us to laugh for hours at times. At first it actually helped me get through rough moments where I wasn’t feeling it. Then the regret came back and I find myself missing her more and more with every passing day. I find myself not intentionally thinking of her only to start thinking of her due to having shared everything about my life with her so most everything I do has a memory involving her. I find myself crying more often now. She was a sister to me so I didn’t want the feelings I had somehow developed for her nor did I want to do anything with them. I tried dealing with them myself but when I couldn’t I thought it best to tell her. After all, we knew we could tell each other anything. Instead it cost me my family, my sense of self, and worst is at times I find myself doubting if I was even a good friend to her. She wants nothing to do with me. She wished me luck in finding what I’m looking for somewhere else but all I had ever wanted, I found with her. I don’t really care about romantic relationships and don’t mind if I remain alone for the rest of my life. I also used to not really care about friendships but that was before I met her and we got close. I don’t want to replace her. If possible I’d rather be friends with her again but I know that’s not possible. She was more than a friend, more than family. If anything a potential romantic relationship with her would likely have been lesser than our friendship. Had things played out differently years ago and we dated instead of being friends, I know I wouldn’t be hurting over a breakup like I am over me causing our friendship to be cut short. Now I feel like I’m being consumed by my own regret. I know should do what she said and move on but I just can’t find myself to do so. Trusting her felt like a miracle so even if I wanted to move on, I don’t think I could. So now I just feel lost and I miss her and everything that entails. Every night I wish this was all just a nightmare and when I wake up, I hear my phone buzz with a notification to see she’s still here. I wish I could change the past but I think I’m just going to have to live with this regret for the rest of my life. I just hope she’s good and that she finds everything she’s looking for and more because someone like her deserves only good.