My boyfriend [26M] told me [25F] that I can only wear revealing clothing if he is with me, and now I’m not sure what to do next?
Hi everybody! My boyfriend and I have only been in a relationship for about 4 months, though we’ve known each other since high school. A few months ago, he reached out and we started talking again and found a romantic connection. However, the last month or so I’ve been seeing a couple red flags, and I’m not sure if they are worth considering or if I am overthinking them.
The first red flag that I started to notice was that he would make jokes/borderline be hateful to the LGBTQ+ community and make racist jokes that he “wouldn’t mean.” I told him I didn’t like him making any of those types of comments, but he keeps telling me they’re jokes and he doesn’t mean them, although I’ve found out he does not support LGBTQ. I am open to people disagreeing and having different opinions, but I feel like sometimes he crosses that line between disagreement and disrespect.
The main red flag that I am struggling with happened recently. I am going on vacation soon so he was asking me what I am going to wear, since for the most part I dress conservatively and I am planning on buying new outfits. He essentially told me that he prefers a modest woman when dating, and that I am only allowed to wear revealing clothing when I am with him, not out by myself or with my friends, and he says it is against his religion. We had a conversation where I told him that felt a little controlling and that what I decide to wear should not even be a factor in a relationship, but he stood 10 toes down and said that this is a boundary he has in a relationship and that if I have a problem then it would essentially be a dealbreaker. He also said this has been a problem in every relationship he’s had, and I told him that it makes me feel monitored, judged, and like I have to live up to a certain expectation in his mind. He even started asking me if I am gonna post on social media during my vacation, and if I can crop my chest out or put emojis over my boobs in pictures.
I don’t know if I am overreacting and this is normal in a relationship, but it leaves me feeling not good about him. I don’t even wear revealing clothes, but it’s just the fact that he has to “approve” my clothing before I go out or go on vacation and even has to see my swimsuit first that just leaves me feeling completely judged and evaluated, which I shouldn’t have to feel in a relationship. I also know it has more to do than just his religion, because he told me that he wants to “protect” me from other men, and that they shouldn’t get to see what he gets to see. He also says in his eyes he’s not asking for much, and that if I asked him to do it, he would do it in a heartbeat. There is lots more that I am considering in ending this relationship, but this post would be very long so I am looking for advice on what is bothering me the most right now. I’m not sure if my next step should be breaking up, listening and complying to it because maybe this is normal in a relationship, or just ignoring it for now. We are planning on having a conversation this week because it is such a big deal to him, and I’m just not sure what I should do.