Should I stay or should I go?
Tldr, my boyfriend of 8.5ish years has SUD (substance use disorder). I've always been empathetic and considerate of his disease, but after the 100th time of being lied to (in the worst way) I just feel anger and I find it really hard to feel any empathy or patience anymore. Not really sure if I should stay in the relationship or not.
Hi all. I just really wanted someone to vent to and get someone else's opinion. I feel stupid for getting myself into this situation.
So me (33F) and my bf (42M) have been together for about 8.5 years and we have a beautiful baby girl (1.8F) who I do not regret having 1 tiny bit (just wanted to mention this just in case people think I'm complaining about her existence, I love being a mummy it's my favourite job in the whole world)
My bf has struggled with substance use disorder since before we met, a very bad substance, think trainspotting. I 100% did not know how much of an issue this was going to be, and when I met him I felt like I knew him and he seemed to be a relatively normal, fine human being, not like some hard used or anything. I actually didn't even know he was using for the first few months, and by the time we got to know each other better and I found out he used "recreationally" as he said, I already had decided that he seemed like a nice fun loving guy.
A few years go by and he keeps promising that he won't use, blah blah blah, I believe him, he says he wants to stop and even goes to rehab for a few months. I catch him using or paraphernalia lying around and all this crap, I am COMPLETELY taken by surprise every. Single. Time. Because for some reason I kept believing him and he's very very good at lying. And I appreciate he probably believed himself too. Anyway, it was really heartbreaking to keep finding that I was being lied to over and over again, but then he'd vow to change and the whole thing would start over again. Honestly it's a really easy cycle to be mixed into.
Then we had a baby whom I'm so happy to have in my life, but it has made things more complicated. I feel like I've come out of some kind of trance and realized, hey I'm actually not enjoying this relationship because... He has lied to me for years and I guess I was wearing rose coloured glasses at the time.
Trust me, I understand that it's hard to overcome addiction. But years and years later of being lied to, with plenty of support groups, having gone to rehab, blah blah, I'm like.. well this is actually your choice, to use is your choice, and if you're too unmotivated to go to meetings and get help when you need it, then me and my daughter aren't enough motivation. That's the honest truth at the end of the day. I'm sure for anyone reading this, maybe you're thinking "well you must have known this would happen.. blah blah" well actually I completely thought I could help him and fix things and we would have a tough time to begin with, but his supposed love for me and to build a life with me was what I thought would help him. I'm aware that there will always be slip ups, but the constant lying and manipulation isn't a mistake from him.
Anyway, long story short, when I was about 5 months postpartum I found out he was using again (pretending he was going to his meetings, spending precious money that we did not have) when I found out he lied and was withdrawing a bunch of money every week, he said he was saving up for a ring. Then I probed him about it asking questions like where is the jeweller then? Why do you need to get money out of an ATM for that? Eventually he lied again and said he was actually going to happy ending places! I was like well okay because we weren't doing anything like that. I was actually relieved that he wasn't using.
Then I started thinking about this fucked up situation, I had a baby 5 months prior, ur spending our money on this shit, I have NO money and I'm home with a baby and also working part time, um wtf. Eventually he comes out and says actually he was spending the money on drugs not a happy ending place lol.
Since that time I just actually think I despise this person and how they've made me feel. At the time I had also just started taking anti depressants because I was experiencing postpartum depression, and he was out taking drugs and trying to lie about it any way possible.
Now, I'm basically full of anger whenever we are together, the anger has slowly been coming out and it's like.. anything he does seems to make me angry. So I've become basically just an angry person. I'm so hurt and have been for over a year now, he's relapsed other times and I've found out not through him. When I think about this situation I feel so dumb. But it's hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it. I think he is a narcissist tbh because he has a lot of symptoms and there has been correlations between SUD (substance use disorder) and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder)
I know that now we are going through money problems but that won't last for much longer. But like.. I keep telling myself that we'll be okay when the money problems are over, because we won't be as stressed, sleeping better, etc. but now I'm like.. what if it's not worth it to wait it out. Also I own our property and he didn't pay rent for like 4 months which was really really hard for us to say the least.
I really don't know if I should bite the bullet and we call it a day or of I should hold on to hope. ,,😞