u/Dramatic_Pension9817

First week alone post-divorce. What a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. I posted about my boring divorce a couple weeks ago. The emotions hit me so hard still the first night. Alone in my apartment that I was so excited to move into.

But I survived that first night and this week has been incredible. I went and bought all new furniture (great time of year with memorial day sales 😂 furnished new bedroom and living room for under 10k). Went grocery shopping for just myself which felt so weird. I had to downsize and remember I was just feeding myself this week. I have my 13 year old daughter every other week. We went shopping today and I bought her an all new bedroom set, let her pick everything out for her bathroom, make up, etc. we have been texting all week. Did dinner one night. She is going back to her mom’s tonight but coming back Monday for her first full week here.

One thing I want to admit. My ex-wife wasn’t the only one to blame in our divorce. We both sucked in our own ways. One of my ways was that I let my wife become the default parent. One of her non-negotiable in the divorce was that she was listed as the primary care parent. And I couldn’t argue. I was present as much as a working dad who showed up to events was. I wasn’t a bad dad, but I also wasn’t a great one if I’m honest. I’d give myself an honest B. I want to be an A.

This week I felt like an A+ dad. We texted and talked every day. We spent the day together. We had real conversations. Even ones she was uncomfortable coming to me with before. We talked about the dreaded B word. Boys. I know I need to model for her what a good man should be. I want to be that person. I wasn’t that person in my marriage. I was the first 10 years. The last 5 I wasn’t. I realized my depression and self-isolation from my ex-wife (work, home office, work trips, etc) was also isolating me from my daughter in a way.

I feel like this past week I’ve made incredible strides with her. When we were shopping earlier, I really just absorbed the time and appreciated it. My little girl who isn’t so little anymore called me daddy and I just stopped to appreciate it. These next 5 years will fly by even faster and I don’t want to blink.

My ex-wife and I are okay. I know I’m going to have to set some boundaries hard. She tried treating my space like her kingdom part 2. We are divorced. We are two parents raising a kid together separately and that’s it. I don’t fault her though. How can she go from kind of running things in the household and suddenly I go live in a new place? It will be an adjustment for all of us. She kept offering to take her shopping instead and send me the bill, offered to go with us. I declined both times. I need this time with my kid and I to bond and develop our own relationship outside of what was the family unit. We still have our family group chat. Our family just looks different now. I think it hit her hard and I empathize. But my time with her is my time.

I will say- being able to buy everything I wanted and not have to ask anyone’s opinion was the most freeing experience in the world. I got to choose my own furniture, my own style, my own preferences. It’s still developing.

I’ve ordered some art pieces I’ve always wanted. A hand-made amphora from Greece depicting Achilles and Hector. A full bronze replica Persian helmet. An oil painting of Alexander the Great approaching Cyrus the Great’s tomb. If anyone knows who Thomas Cole is, a 19th century American painter, he has some incredible paintings. I ordered some hand-painted replicas. Oh, I also found an amazing Minoan bull painting I am waiting for as well. My home feels like me and is becoming me more and more everyday.

I had a crazy dream last night. That I thought I made a mistake and tried to go back to my ex. I was in my childhood home which she never even saw. My daughter was 3 or 4 in my dream. My dad was also there- he passed away in 2019. It was like a dream processing the grievance of things that come to an end. I woke up really emotional. When I took my daughter back to her mother’s house this evening, I felt suffocated. I could never go back lol.

Emotions are so hard and so weird.

Week 1 down.

Judge signed off last week. I’m moving to my awesome new 3bd apartment above all new retail and restaurants this week with a wrap around balcony over the pool. Ex wife kept the house, I kept my retirement accounts to match equity.

She had an attorney that specialized in mediation. We wrote everything up ourselves, we both tried to be fair. I agreed to alimony for a few years that gave me peace of mind she would have time to adjust. We did the state child support calculation, split 50/50 custody. I agreed to split medical snd extra curricular 75/25. Once the attorney drew it up, I used my work’s legal aid benefit to help me review and make sure it spelled out how I thought it did.

Neither one of us a gaslighter narcissist. We just sucked at communication together. We stopped having sex years ago. She said she neglected me by prioritizing work. I know I isolated myself in depression. We tried to make it work for years and we just never could come together. Once we both admitted where we were, it was like all the pressure came off.

Does it hurt? Yep. Am I sad? Yep. We started the process with the attorney in December. A lot of heart ache leading up to that, but a lot of it was fear of the unknown. But I am also very excited about my new future. Out of the suburbs like I wanted, living around people, everything is walkable, events, community. I get to take my dog and I get awesome 1:1 time with my teenage daughter. My ex keeps the dream house she wanted in the suburbs on an acre of land and can actually afford since we bought in 2019. She has 2 years to refi or I can force a sale in our write up. We both feel like we won.

I sat down with my daughter last week prepared to have the heart to heart heavy conversation. I told her the divorce is done and I found a place. Asked her if she was still doing okay, how can I help. She said she was looking forward to it and not having the awkwardness “at mom’s house” lol and is excited. She wants to go with me to buy all new furniture. Teenage daughter that loves to shop, go figure. She said as long as my new place has a pool and we go walk somewhere for dinner one night a week when she is with me, she is good lol. My ex texted me and said my new place better have a pool or my daughter is going to be sad this summer 😂

I don’t know. I just feel like after what felt like years of storm clouds, followed by a hurricane of emotion… I know I’m going to be fine.

Sorry it was boring and not dramatic lol.