u/Dramatic_Pie_3485

I’ve (23F) just come back from holiday with two of my best friends - first one 24F is my cousin who we’ll call ‘Shay’ for confidential reasons. Second friend ‘Karen’ 24F is a girl I met through my cousin, and we’ve all been in the same friendship group for around 6 years. We also went with Karen’s fiancé 32?M who we’ll name P, her older brother Sam 33M and her mother, idrk her age but she’s the sweetest auntie ever. I’ve been close with Karen’s family for as long as we’ve been friends, even would’ve called us sisters tbh. I’ve been around her family, as she has mine, and have been nothing but respectful. Her family loves me, and I’ve also hung out with her and her in laws and fiancé for as long as she’s been with him. I’ll cut to the chase now.

I was invited to come on holiday with everyone as I’ve been having a rough time lately and we haven’t been on a trip together since going to Greece with the girls in 2023. I was told since her family will be there, no funny business but of course, I’m not silly and I’m not a stranger, or stupid, I know what is appropriate and what isn’t. But My girls should know about how hard it can be for me to navigate social situations and that I need my own space sometimes to get my head right & not be so burnt out due to my audhd. My health issues do not help with this either, but I expected some consideration. Since the start of the trip, I was being made fun of even with my mannerisms and told that I talk way too much. The guys got so comfortable after hearing my friend Karen kept calling me “stupid” and “special” so they followed along. My personality is bubbly and I’m naturally extroverted, but I will never ever dull myself down in order for people to not put me in a restrictive and nasty box and making that all that I am, instead of a person with feelings that doesn’t deserve to be looked down on by people she considered to be family.

It felt like I was being bullied constantly and picked on whenever we were on our own and especially without my cousin Shay being there. Over the years, I have never ever done anything to warrant this kind of bullying. Even on our trip, we had all of our apologies and all hugged it out from the day of the boat ride. They apologised for talking to me in a certain way and talking down on and backbiting me when I’m not there.

Unfortunately, it actually continued. They treated me extremely differently than normal. Every time I spoke or opened my mouth to say something, I could feel the disdain. It was like everyone would go quiet and have this judgemental look on their face. It hurt the most that one of my best friends, who’s meant to know me inside and out and defend me to others, still continued to let this happen.

Sam may not know me very well and I understand that. But her fiancé, P, may not know me as well as Karen of course but he’s fully aware of the kind of person I am. They’re also aware of what I’ve been going through. We’ve spent enough time together for them not to suddenly treat me negatively, with anything I say or do bringing a rude stare back and dismissive tone and attitude towards me. It’s unfortunately the same with everyone since the very start of the trip til the very end. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells even from the very start. Even my parents don’t tell me to shut up when I’m in the middle of talking or interrupt me to look over at the other person and laugh. Sam towards the end of the trip was actually a lot nicer to me and a lot more respectful ever since we cleared the air between all of us when I said the jokes were starting to get to me. He was nicer to me than anyone else. The difference in treatment with anyone else compared to me - it hurt.

I’m diagnosed with AuDHD and my whole life I’ve been struggling to navigate social cues, interactions and people in general. I’ve had to teach myself these things from a very young age, and have had breakdowns over this. It feels like since I’ve gotten older, it’s been harder to keep up with anyone and everyone. Even the simplest of tasks. But it’s really affecting me incredibly and I’ve been in denial about it for such a long time now, and it feels like I’m constantly trying to compensate for it. Where most people only need to put in 20-50% effort into things, I have to put in 200% of my complete physical and mental energy, every ounce of blood, sweat and tears into every single task I do. Even the simplest daily tasks and necessities that are unavoidable out in the world, anywhere that isn’t just my own bubble in my own home where I know where I stand and my place alongside my mum.

Example: I was harassed by the worker one night when we were chilling by the sports bar. Sam made the comment of it being because the worker probably saw me ‘around’ at night that day and took it as an invitation. I said that was wrong since that is victim blaming at its finest, and means that because I had a stroll around the resort, I shouldn’t be surprised and that it’s basically an open invitation. Even when saying no and that’s wrong multiple times, he doubled down on this idea. I also said that besides that, I’d never seen this worker a day in my life before and he then doubled down again in questioning me. Even when I tried to explain the misunderstanding of Karen thinking I said “yeah it’s khalas” (Khalas = done) instead of what I actually said, “yeah it / this is khalad” which means “wrong” in Arabic and my mother tongue, and then I was shouted at and was suddenly told what I had said out of my own mouth, in my own language, even though I tried to politely clarify the difference between the words. They do not speak my language, so I find it really disrespectful and dismissed in the worst way, being told to fuck off by one of my best friends, that I didn’t say what I actually said and was “covering” for myself, being assumed the worst by default. They stormed off in the order of Karen, then P then Sam. Sam told her to let me fight my own battles and forget about me. I was stood there calling out asking what I’d even done ?? Just stood in confusion and it was then that I thought, it’s better to just give up. I wanted to enjoy my holiday with no hospital trips, a break from how incredibly heavy life is and a reset especially when it comes to how easy it is for us to burn out. But instead, I left in tears and feeling paranoid the entire time, jumping every time someone said something or feeling insecure and so so heavy whenever i heard them laugh or something on the plane home. Because it felt like everyone in the world was just pointing at me and laughing. Even my cousin and friend Shay, started to get sick of me and I could hear it in her tone, see it in her eyes. There were so many more instances where i was the butt of the joke from beginning to end. I just needed to get this out because i want to hide in a hole forever.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t mask anymore. I can’t even keep up with conversations. I feel like an empty shell of myself. I was unapologetically me my whole life and now it feels like constant disappointments and beatings from the world of neurotypical ideals and norms has sucked the life out of me. I can’t do this anymore. I am so unsure of myself. I’m always second guessing my words, my confidence is beyond knocked after this incident and I don’t know how to get myself back. I’ve added screenshots from the texts I was sent by my so called best friend Karen.

Thank you to whoever’s made it this far into my post. I apologise it’s longer than I thought it’d be, but I’d appreciate some discourse regarding this if possible. Whether you relate to this, or have something to add, even just some tips and suggestions, whatever it may be, I just appreciate the fact that we can turn to this community and find people we relate to. Thank you again!

PT 2: I think life has me beat, anyone else? Adulthood + Womanhood with AuDHD ( UPDATE WITH the backstory to the texts!! )

I think life has me beat, anyone else? Adulthood + Womanhood with AuDHD